I don't know what to do, please help!

[killgarah]

Okay so i met this girl and we have been dating for about a month now. I'm 16 (almost 17) and she's 18. I think i love her and she's says she feels the same, but she has this ex who she was with for more than a year and who she did stuff with (gave him head, and got fingered) and he is two years older than her; now she tells me that she regretted doing stuff with him and never wants to do them again...and said she could only go to second base with me; and i think i really love her and don't want to cheat on her...but the hormones and all, like i want to go past second base with a girl...and now i'm saying she prefers him to me cause she would go further with him, and its led to an argument

[waryfairy]

I think you pretty much answered your own question. You love her. You don't want to cheat on her. So you want to stay in a relationship with this girl. You want it to work out. So your only choice is to learn to live with it.

You have to understand that girls are very complicated creatures. Sometimes, when they are in the moment and feel like they are in love, they do things that they didn't really intend to do. Sometimes, they feel pressured into it. If the guy really wants something and they don't know how to say no or feel like they don't want to disappoint them, or if they are too young to be able to figure out what they want then they go along with it, but then afterwards, when they can think clearly again, they regret it. And when I say regret it, I mean as in really REALLY regrets it. To the point where they feel like it is a stain in their life. They never even want to remember having done it. She is obviously in the same situation. It was a horrible memory for her and she probably feels really guilty about it and she doesn't want to repeat it again. You have to realise that she is telling you this because she respects you and trusts you. If you really love her, you won't pressure her into doing something she obviously doesn't feel comfortable doing. She is letting you go to second base. You take what you can get.

You only have 2 choices: break up with her and find a girlfriend that will let you go past second base or stay with her and go at the pace she wants.

[NotApplicable]

The concluding statement in the above post is pretty spot on.

Further to that, unless she is religious or has had other traumatic sexual experiences in the past, it's pretty rare and strange for an 18 year old girl to not want to do anything sexual with a guy she "almost loves". This may be worth a deeper discussion. Did he hurt her? Was he emotionless? Maybe she didn't get any tenderness from him with what they were doing and now she thinks sex sucks. You need to give her time and go at her pace but you may need to address some stuff if you really care.
Concluding statement same as above. Specific advice? You're too young to be in this situation, let her sort her stuff out and you go find a girl who is more compatible with you on that level.

[michelle23]

Well you have only been together a month so its understandable if she wants to take thinks slow and only go ti second base for now. You should respect that and let the relationship turn sexual naturally when she feels more comfortable with you. If nothing changes in the next few months then move on as a relationship without sex indefinately wont work

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Ill just add her past experience is irrelevant. She was with him for ages. Your relationship is still new so she shouldnt feel pressured to do things with you just because she has done them before

[TheEvilJester]

It seems that you very much feel you may be in love with this girl. So, I would say that is worth giving her some time. You are young, so there is no need to feel in a rush. Love really is not something you should ever rush.

At the same time, you certainly do deserve to be with somebody who will want to be with you completely. So, I wouldn't say you should necessarily stay with her indefinitely if there never seems to be any end in sight. Sex should never be considered the most important thing in a relationship. I think too many people put WAY too much importance on sex, and it is often what destroys a relationship, or at least a big part of it. Yet, at the same time, that doesn't mean it ISN'T important. You still need to be sexually compatible with your partner.

So, just give her time. Try to be gentle with her and even offer to talk about it if maybe there are some hurt feelings she took away from that relationship. Being there for her will be something she will likely very much appreciate. Most importantly, don't pressure her. It's okay to talk about it, and even to say what you want, but do so in a way that shows you respect her feelings as well. In time, she will probably begin to warm up and be ready. If not, then you can deal with that later.

Good luck!

[killgarah]

Thanks but do you think it has anything to do with the fact that she's older than me. Like I feel like she's not taking me as seriously as she did him

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NotApplicable; Thanks as well...Ive tried talking about it but she doesn't answer, she says he's an asshole and she doesn't want to remember, and she told me about him before we started going out and now that we are going out I do know how to tell her that i want to go further than second base because that would be insensitive, wouldn't it?

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TheEvilJester, cheers mate...I know i'm actually not trying to rush it, but its harder to not do anything with other girls. I don't know how to talk about it as well which is another problem, because she says she hated herself for doing it, and if i said what I kinda want to do it then aren't I as bad as him?
And I love her, really and i'm quite sure she feels the same...I think if i broke up with her I would break her heart more than the last guy did(she admitted that to me) and thats the last thing I want to do. But like i said, its become increasingly difficult to not want to do these things, especially as I don't have as much control over the hormones at this age. It feels like i have to make a choice between love and lust because it i was to do anything with a girl, it almost certainly wouldn't be with my girlfriend. I want to be with her but I can't commit fully and i'm starting to feel really bad about it, as she seems fully committed to me. Do you still have any suggestions? Thanks!

[TheEvilJester]

As far as if it has to do with her being older than you, it is hard to tell, really. Sure, that could have something to do with it. She may worry that being younger might mean you are also less mature and she may be worried you will turn out like the ex or worse. At the same time, you being younger may have nothing to do with it. Without being able to read minds, you can't really know unless she tells you. Either way, though, your course of action doesn't change. Just continue to be a gentleman, and a caring and loving boyfriend. If she is worried about you being too young, in time she will see she is worrying for no reason.

As for your follow-up questions, I will have to admit I am not so sure I am the best person to give you advice here. I've never understood it myself, but I am different from most men. Don't get me wrong, I'm still human (I think). When I am in a relationship, I do want it to involve sex as well. But, it has never been nearly as important to me as it is to most men. Were I in your shoes, I wouldn't even have to think twice about waiting for her (still within a reasonable amount of time, of course). Does that mean something is wrong with you? Absolutely not. I'm the one who is bizarre.

Anyways, when she did stuff in the past with her ex, did she tell you she felt pressured to do so when she did not really want to do so? Or did she just do it without thinking twice and later regret it? I mean, if she did it without a second thought and wasn't really pressured by him, then that is sort of her issue and she would need to deal with that. After all, how are you (or how was he) supposed to know what she does or does not like/want to do if she doesn't share with you?

If he DID pressure her, then by not pressuring her you are already proving yourself better than him. At the same time, not pressuring her also doesn't have to mean you don't share your feelings. It is okay to let her know what you want, but also be sure to make it clear that you don't want to do anything until she is ready. At the same time, make it clear that if there are certain things she doesn't want to do, that you are open to talking about it and learning what works for you both together.

No two people are exactly alike. So not everybody will be into all of the same things. So, as long as you two don't hit any make or break things, there is no reason you can't come together on what works best for you both.

I wish I could offer more specific advice, but I guess the best thing you can do is to continue to be patient, while at the same time sharing your feelings and welcoming her to share hers. Hopefully in time things will improve. If they still don't after a reasonable amount of time, then you would be perfectly within reason to begin considering ending things. She should never feel pressured, yet at the same time you also deserve to have your needs met. If she may be unable to do that, then as good of a match as you may seem to be otherwise, that is an important aspect of a relationship.

Good luck. I hope everything works out.

[killgarah]

Okay so we talked about her ex a bit and she says what she feels for me is different, and she didnt really love him but she's madly in love with me... i love her so much, but still don't know what to do about her not wanting to have sex, and like so far i've turned down two chances to cheat on her but its get harder and i don't know what to do

[uadialej]

Try to be gentle with her and even offer to talk about it if maybe there are some hurt feelings she took away from that relationship. Being there for her will be something she will likely very much appreciate. Most importantly, don't pressure her. It's okay to talk about it, and even to say what you want, but do so in a way that shows you respect her feelings as well. In time, she will probably begin to warm up and be ready. If not, then you can deal with that later.

[youtube]mkiEugZ9pXI[/youtube]

[moneyspills]

No two people are exactly alike. So not everybody will be into all of the same things. So, as long as you two don't hit any make or break things, there is no reason you can't come together on what works best for you both.



[url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkiEugZ9pXI]How to Make Your Ex Boyfriend Jealous[/url]

[TheEvilJester]

Funny. Both of those last two posts sound awfully familiar.