I Gave My Judgmental Boyfriend an Ultimatum, and I'm Worried I Did the Wrong Thing

[toughlove]

My boyfriend has been starting the same fight with me over and over again over the past few months. I am 25, and he is angry that I have not made any decisions on a future career for myself yet. He gets furiously mad about something small, and after talking we uncover that he is actually angry because I have not chosen a career path and am "not making decisions in my life." He makes me feel small and belittled during these fights, but says he doesn't mean to. He knows I obsess over my future already. We have been together for 4 years. He is 29, recently graduated from graduate school, and we recently relocated for his new job.

Yesterday, a couple of days after our last argument over this, I brought the topic up again and I gave him an ultimatum (I know - bad!). I didn't know what else to do. I have repeatedly told him how hurtful his judgments are to me with no response. Yesterday I told him that I could not handle this anymore, and he had to stop. He said that he would work on it and we went along with our evening as normal. Today he came home late appearing a little drunk and gives me the silent treatment over my ultimatum. When he did talk to me he was very mad.

The thing is, in the last argument we had I told him he needed to deal with his own internal issues regarding this, because he was the one with anger. He agreed to, but this was during a heated fight and tears. I wanted to talk about it in a calm discussion, but I'm afraid I did the wrong thing by bringing it up again, and for giving an ultimatum.

Am I the one being unreasonable? Is this normal for someone to be mad about in a relationship? I love him, and I am not really prepared for the other side of my ultimatum.

Thank you so, SO much for any advice.

[dontaskme]

What to you do for a living right now? Did you at least graduate college? What are your future career plans?

If your boyfriend is a planner and he wants to plan for a better future, he has a right to be upset due to your lack of ambition. I myself would not want to go out with someone who is not as successful as I am.

At the end, if you don't make any move to improve your career, you will end up breaking up because this is who he is and this problem will always come up.

You are probably incompatible in your life goals. If that's the case, he should just take your ultimatum and leave.

[TablesandChairs]

Here's my story:

When I was in my early 20's, my partner would go off at me about my 'lack' of direction. Mind you, I was working full time - I just didn't know what it was I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I'm now 30, have a Masters degree and earn more than he ever will. I don't say this to boast, I say it because I hated being judged - it's not like I was sitting back spending his money - I was spending my own. I just needed more time and well, working in a shitty job 45 hours a week made me realise how important qualifications are.

However, if you're sitting at home all day, that's a different story. That would mean he's solely supporting the both of you and he might be over it. I can understand that frustration, it's hard to get ahead on 1 income and he might be fearing that this is how things will always be. I don't know.

But, if you're proactive enough to earn your keep while you're figuring shit out, there's no issue and pressuring you isn't going to achieve much.

[dontaskme]

You can keep on obsessing over your future, but if you're not doing anything to reach your goal, then those are just dreams that would never come into fruition.

[toughlove]

Thanks, everyone. This is really helpful.

I am bartending full-time right now, and I certainly pay all of my bills. I am applying for other "professional" jobs right now, and I do have a Bachelor's degree. I have always been set on going to graduate school, and my boyfriend knows that, so we both know that getting another professional job probably won't be the end of it for me.

I am also frustrated because he took 4 years off before grad school to work random jobs and figure it out, and I am only 2.5 years out of college. He says it doesn't matter what he did because our lives are different now and he is doing something with his life now.

[TheEvilJester]

This is one of those situations where there isn't necessarily a right or wrong. Just as an extreme example, many of us may not agree with the lifestyle of somebody who chooses to literally just do nothing, but if that is what they decide, it is their life to live. Now, you obviously do a lot more than nothing. In fact, you even appear to know that you want to do SOMETHING more, you just aren't yet sure what. At some point you do need to figure that out, but it sounds like you do have every intention of finding that.

So, really you are not in the wrong at all. Yet, at the same time he is not wrong to want somebody who has a clear path. If that is important enough to him, then it is important enough to him. However, where he is in the wrong is if he has always been well aware of your situation and is choosing now to not be okay with it. It would be different if you acted like you knew exactly what you wanted to do and now suddenly changed your mind. Then you couldn't expect him to necessarily just be automatically okay with that if you are changing expectations on him.

So, bottom line, if this has recently been an ongoing problem, and it is getting to levels that feel abusive to you, then you were absolutely within your rights to give him an ultimatum. It isn't right for him to do that to you, especially knowing that you ARE making some effort to figure things out. Even still, if he finds that is make or break for him, there is nothing wrong with that per se. But, he needs to decide if that is the case and decide if that means you two are not a match. He can't just stay with you and expect you to suddenly magically change.

[dontaskme]

My question to you is, if you are 25 y/o and has a Bachelor's degree, why do you choose to be a bartender?

[michelle23]

Your working full time, paying bills, you have a degree and you are applying for other jobs. Plus you have plans for further education so what more does he want?

I think hes being unreasonable. In the current climate, we are lucky to have a job. Plus what about if you have a baby and decide you want to take a year off? Will he have a problem with that?

Maybe your with the wrong guy. He sounds abusive, like nothing you ever do is good enough and the fact he gets so angry and volatile is also abusive. Ive been with my bf 6years and hes never once raised his voice to me or been angry. Hes certainly never dictated what I should be doing with my life...

[woody]

So do you wish to be part of a so called 'power house couple' who makes bundles of cash and measures success by their bank statements or do you want unconditional love who's sole goal is to ensure the other is happy,inspired and loved no matter what...question mark.
This ultimatum you placed on the table doesn't seem like an ultimatum to me. You told him he is being hurtful, belittling and unjust and you will no longer tolerate it. good.
If I were hurting my love, i'd want to know.
You work hard, you've also schooled yourself and plan on doing more. You are young and doing exactly what you should be doing. Thinking about what you'd like to do with your future. Your man sounds materialistic and more concerned with what other's think of him than what you think of him. Hhmm. I could be wrong. Just a guess.
No one has a right to make you feel like shyte. No one.

[pcmaster]

He finally did the right thing in his life and now wants you to do the same or else you are wrong stupid pussy. Think its the age diference here - guy really dont want you to take the same life path as him but get to that happy place whee he is faster than he did. Seriously must be these father feelings that makes him wantt the best for you. Still he can suggest and inform you but its not his decisions what to do with your life. The power is all yours.

[dontaskme]

So do you wish to be part of a so called 'power house couple' who makes bundles of cash and measures success by their bank statements or do you want unconditional love who's sole goal is to ensure the other is happy,inspired and loved no matter what...question mark.
This ultimatum you placed on the table doesn't seem like an ultimatum to me. You told him he is being hurtful, belittling and unjust and you will no longer tolerate it. good.
If I were hurting my love, i'd want to know.
You work hard, you've also schooled yourself and plan on doing more. You are young and doing exactly what you should be doing. Thinking about what you'd like to do with your future. Your man sounds materialistic and more concerned with what other's think of him than what you think of him. Hhmm. I could be wrong. Just a guess.
No one has a right to make you feel like shyte. No one.

There's nothing wrong in making bundles of cash and still be in loving relationship. Those two can be mutually exclusive.

As I've said, if they have different goals in life, maybe they're not compatible and shouldn't be together. Eventually, this will catch up and become a major problem, if it isn't already.

[surfhb]

What do you guys make? Unless it's really low and cuts into what you guys want out of life then I don't see the problem. Do you enjoy your work?

[Wakeup]

My boyfriend has been starting the same fight with me over and over again over the past few months. I am 25, and he is angry that I have not made any decisions on a future career for myself yet. He gets furiously mad about something small, and after talking we uncover that he is actually angry because I have not chosen a career path and am "not making decisions in my life." He makes me feel small and belittled during these fights, but says he doesn't mean to. He knows I obsess over my future already. We have been together for 4 years. He is 29, recently graduated from graduate school, and we recently relocated for his new job.

Yesterday, a couple of days after our last argument over this, I brought the topic up again and I gave him an ultimatum (I know - bad!). I didn't know what else to do. I have repeatedly told him how hurtful his judgments are to me with no response. Yesterday I told him that I could not handle this anymore, and he had to stop. He said that he would work on it and we went along with our evening as normal. Today he came home late appearing a little drunk and gives me the silent treatment over my ultimatum. When he did talk to me he was very mad.

The thing is, in the last argument we had I told him he needed to deal with his own internal issues regarding this, because he was the one with anger. He agreed to, but this was during a heated fight and tears. I wanted to talk about it in a calm discussion, but I'm afraid I did the wrong thing by bringing it up again, and for giving an ultimatum.

Am I the one being unreasonable? Is this normal for someone to be mad about in a relationship? I love him, and I am not really prepared for the other side of my ultimatum.

Thank you so, SO much for any advice.

I'm sorry but where in there does it show that you gave him an ultimatum. An "ultimatum" is (as an example) would be to tell him (and actually mean it) that next time he bought up your career (or lack thereof) you were going to leave him.

Telling him his nagging had to stop or that you couldn't handle it anymore is not an ultimatum... Its a simple fact.

Anyway. Personally, my guess is that he does NOT like you being a bartender which entails working late nights (often) and getting hit on by drunken mashers (very often). Why else would he be so obsessed with you not doing that, but rather you getting something that would show that you didn't just go to Uni for the social aspect?

BTW: The job situation is not so bad in North America that you couldn't find something a little more along the line of what you studied for in school.

I have a question for you: Why aren't you sussed to get out from behind the bar?

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, I think the general consensus here seems to be that you were not wrong. Again, in my opinion, he is not inherently wrong if he wants somebody with a more definitive path in their career. If that is important to him, then he can't change how he feels. But, again, I would assume he knew your situation when you two began dating, and would assume he has known for a while where you stand. In other words, that you have a degree and plan to go back to school in the near future, but currently have a job not at all involving your degree. So, where he'd be in the wrong is knowing all of this, and suddenly expecting it should just magically change. Again, I guess it would be different if you'd been saying this for 5, 10 years and nothing is ever changing. Then, he'd have a right to start getting impatient if he felt it was important enough to the life you and he wanted to build.

Where you WOULD be in the wrong is if you had lead him to believe one thing and then radically changed out of nowhere and expected him to just be okay with that. Say, for example, when you were just graduating high school you were ADAMANT that you were going to college. Then, fast forward a few years later and not only had you decided not to go to college, but now you decide you don't think you want to work at all. That would be a HUGE difference. Technically if that is what you want, that in and of itself is not wrong. You can't help how you feel any more then anybody else could. However, to expect that he should just accept that WOULD be wrong. Maybe he'd be fine with that, maybe he wouldn't. But you would be wrong to blame him for not accepting it, because you had mislead him all along to think you were working towards a common goal, then dumping him with the sudden realization that he was working at it alone.

Thing is, you didn't do that. You didn't do that BY FAR. You have a degree, you currently have a job, and you are even considering going back to school. And, again, if he feels it is important for him to be with somebody that is at the same point in their career as him, there really is nothing wrong with that either. He just can't hold it against you that you are not there yet. So, he either needs to decide if that is important enough that you two are not a match, or if he feels you two can make it work.

Good luck.

[Wakeup]

Oh ffs... In other words you two are incompatible, Schweetheart. You're wasting your education doing what you're doing.
He's wasting his time trying to change you when it's quite obvious all you want to do is tend bar. If you wanted more for yourself then him encouraging you to get out from behind the bar wouldn't be such a thorn in your ass.

Bottomline: What effing difference does it make if he is right or wrong (and he's definitely not abusive by what you've described.. he's just too codependent to leave you due to incompatibility so he stays with you and nags because it makes him feel less NOT in control of things he wants for you and isn't getting.

Thing is: And this is what you should be concentrating on: You're not doing anything at the moment to utilize your degree. What was the point of you going to Uni when You could have tended bar on a high school education?