How to help love of my life to forgive me? ;(

[ketiket]

Hello everyone,

I would appreciate your advice on this because I don't know how to make or not make a plan and what to do now.

My boyfriend (25) has broken up with me (28 ) few days ago, but basically I have initiate it and said it first in personal despair and anxiety but he is not willing to forgive me the harsh words (atm we are 1000 km apart & this was all going on on viber&skype).

We have both been playing "we are done" game all the time but just for hours or minutes… to get each others attention or to show that we were hurt (stupid.. I know). We have shared extremely deep and loving connection but there was lot of childhood emotional baggage so the road was rocky after his depression hit. We were together for 2 years and have lived together until February, when I moved back home (1000km away) to have some space coz of his stressful depression and his family constantly hatefully involving in our relationship. He had an internship there but we have been visiting each other regularly (for 2-3 weeks with a month of breaks in between). I have helped him a lot to deal with his depression which re-appeared after year of our relationship and I have been pushing him to therapy. He's been dealing with his depression much better now but my baggage had resurfaced. We were planing to move back together to his country but he got very hurt by my behavior over Skype in the last 2 weeks.

I was very non tolerant, pushy, stressing while he had been finishing his master thesis and I have been in some kind of anxiety state started to push him away because I so terribly missed him, couldn't bare the distance and because he didn't have time to talk to me I have been blaming him for that (unconsciously) and initiating the break up saying horrible stuff to hurt him (ex..it started that I don't feel good and I don't know what's going on with me..,I don't love you, you don't understand me, you are suffocating me, I will never love you, you can't make me happy, in this 2 years I have not been dealing with my problems just yours , I feel like I am your mother doing everything etc..). This things are not so true as I have dramatized them.. I feel so responsible to loose him and I am torturing myself not to realize how I felt and find a help.

He said we are over and I actually it was a shock and I couldn't believe it…I thought he will cool off, but when I have realized that he really means it and I have re-viewed what I have been saying to him, I apologized sincerely for horrible words and explain where this pain and pushing away came from and that I love him and didn't want to break up because of my emotional baggage of abusive father.

He said something in him broke and his feelings vanished and that he's just flying over to come to pick up his car and to tell me its over. Now his family is finally showing him some support and they are extremely happy with his decision and he looks very ego builded on Skype. They are the cause of his depression and they always made him suffer. His mum and his brother are a manipulative egoistic machines and they always are forcing him into spending time with them even if he didn't want it, have been stressing him on a daily basis for nothing. He is very sensitive and compassionate otherwise but I had to drag him out of the "I want to kill myself " situations numerous times and I have been hurt many times by his depression and now I actually don't understand his decision because despite our rocky road, I have been forgiving him constantly for being crazy&mean during the depression time and I have been lifting him up lots of times.. I understood this he didn't want to be like that and that he wants to change it, and I feel like I didn't have that chance.

I really want to try the 30 day no contact that everybody is mentioning on the get your ex back sites, because I really wish to get back with him and grow old with him. I am prepared to be patient and change to be a better person and handle this fears I have.

I am wondering how to deal with this handling the keys of the car on Saturday. We were supposed to have a talk in person this, and I had a lot of hope because of finally seeing my problems I thought I would be able to explain the whole situation to him, because he doesn't clearly see in what kind of anxiety/psychological state I was. I also think that because we haven't seen for 3 weeks he would feel differently when he sees me in person. But just yesterday he got very unkind and not sympathetic, he said he will stay in hotel for 2 days and just 2 days ago I have told him that I will take this part time job in his city that we were planing and now he refuses to share a ride with me&dog&cat to his country, to show me that THERE IS NO HOPE FOR US (sorry, capitals to emphasize his tone of voice). Now even his twin brother (which was is manipulating him always) is getting in the story to help him get his car back and he will fly over to Venice. His family was constantly trying to break us up by talking dirty about me. They all have a bit of manipulation and egoistic personalities.

Now I am confused if I should take this job and try to solve things out with him slowly because I really want to be back together with him eventually. But he made me feel like I would be a lunatic stalker if I move in the same city as he is now, but I just wanted to take things easy. Am I hoping for too much?

I do love him sincerely. Now I am even more hurt and a bit angry but I haven't been txting him like crazy or something…it was just one or 2 days of calls and txts to really understand that he is serious in his decision because I have been trying to see if he is just so hurt and he could forgive me by explanation.

I really wish for this 30 days no contact period, do you think it should happen after the conversation in person, or can I avoid this talk because I don't want to be more hurt since he has made his mind clear that THERE IS NO HOPE, has locked his heart and first time in his life looks like he took a decision and he will respect himself and follow it no matter what.

I am afraid of letting him in the apartment because I feel vulnerable and that I would be more hurt, even if I wish him to come because he could soften up because constantly saying this was his home, and we got a cat when we were together and he loves my dog. Just 1 week ago he was saying he would be moving mountains for me and he has always been expressing and showing tons of deep and committed love, he always said everything he does is for me and we wanted to have a family together.

He'll fly over on Saturday morning and then head back in 2 days. Please help. I am devastated, I can't eat and I torturing myself every minute for what have I done.

How can I help him to forgive me?

I appreciate it <3 <3

Thank you!!

[adriana]

Hey Ketiket
You haven't got a reply I think because your story goes for too long and a lot of people don't have time to read- could you summarise in a few points so we can get the details quickly and respond better?
Thanks

[woody]

okay. First off, you need to eat and hydrate; ONe cannot think without feeding the engines. So go eat and make some tea. Everything will be alright.

This 30 days of no contact will be difficult but perhaps this time might offer some distance to re assess things. Sure, your hearts going to feel like it's being ripped out when he comes to collect his stuff. It will pound and keeping clear thoughts will be most trying. BUT, you will get through this. That being said, I'm sorry your going through this. It is apparent you are very upset about this. Your feeling protective over him, worried about him and by the sounds of it, you both said some things you really didn't mean and now are bearing the consequences.

Perhaps once he's there, back home with you and the four legged furry friends, he'll relax and remember.

And If you two have been arguing over the same things, using the same tactics, well, perhaps finding a better way to hatch out your differences is in order. Long lasting couples learn to argue well together. They do not bring out the low blows or say things that once said, well, you can't take it back.
Being constructive is key.

Sometimes we push our love away if we feel threatened in any way. Not always the best approach; but if you two have the right stuff, you will find a way back.
Perhaps space is needed here for awhile so both of you can reflect upon things.
Go pamper your self. Make a nice meal for you. Buy some treats for your pup and cat. Water your plants and set the home. Create an environment for both yourself and for him and see how it goes.

I know this isn't as helpful as you'd like. There are no majical answers. Just know who you are and what you have to offer and rest in this.

[ladyloveslosers]

Hey sorry to hear. Try to work on yourself and stay strong! In time maybe you could reach out to him and see gauge how he feels