How to help my ex girlfriend deal with being raped....

[Legliss]

Hey ladies, new guy here. I have a question for only people who have had to deal with issue in their relationship, past or present. To spare the long details, my ex girlfriend was date raped a few months before we dated back in November. She found out she was pregnant by the person and due to self preservation she chose not to report it to her superiors (she's in a Navy ROTC unit and another unit member committed the act), and she in turn got an abortion. In December we had met and not too long after that became friends and then started to date, but since then she's always had to force herself into being intimate and affectionate and she hasn't ever gotten over what happened to her because she had always hoped she could forget about it, and never had time to herself to cope, but now its a lot worse and she told me what had happened, but never told me her true honest feelings until the other night. She said its gotten to the point that she hates herself for what has happened and that she's been so unhappy that she's taken it out on our relationship and it's made me unhappy in turn. So pretty much she felt that us breaking up after almost 10 months was necessary for her to more or less find herself and find her happiness. We have talked some since then, and she finally admitted she needs help and will seek professional counseling. And I want to be there for her as much as I can for a friend, but there is still that part of me that knows me and her can work and get back together, maybe not right now, but one day. I know not to overstep any boundaries and to keep it just strictly a friendship, but is there anyone who has had to deal with this and if so, how did your guy help you through it? We both still love and care about each other deeply but she just can't bring herself to having a relationship. I don't blame her for anything and have never judged her for what had happened. I still love her just as much as I did. I just want to do what I can and do whats best for her and I'm willing to help her as much as she'll allow me to help her get through this tough time. Thank you.

[Legliss]

Update: Me and her talked the other night. I told her that I still want us to get back together, but I want to help her get through this process as much as she will let me. She told me she was afraid I was going to shut her out of my life completely and I told her I couldn't do that to someone, and I care way too much about her to do that. She started to open up about her feelings about what all had happened (she had told me previously she was date raped and what happened but never how she felt) and she started to cry about it. She said she feels like she has lost her humanity and she feels guilty for letting that affect her and I. She then said she also feels guilty, because she loves me, but feels like she used me as a coping mechanism. But most importantly she said she will start looking into counselling through her school.I told her I was happy she was moving in that direction, and that I'll be there for her as much as she'll let me and that I think me and her could still work when she's ready because I might not completely understand but I now know the full gravity of why she was unhappy and why she was taking her unhappiness out on me, which in turn I didn't quite understand and was unhappy in return. Since we talked there hasn't been much communication since then (side note, we live together so it has been harder) and I understand that she needs her space, but a part of me is scared that she will shut me out completely. And that will hurt a lot more than what it already does. We briefly talked about grabbing coffee this weekend, we will see. It hurts like hell going through this and it's embarrassing to say, but there has already been plenty of tears shed over this. But thanks for everyone viewing this at least someone has read it even if you can't help. I've now started reading articles on these situations so I can try and help her to the best of my abilities. Thanks all.

[woody]

She needs to speak with a professional and the sooner the better. (but i'm sure you already know this)
By God, I can't f__ing imagine.
Good of you to gather information and learn about coping and healing but this journey back to normal (for her), may take some time; in fact, she may always have those terrible memories and I'm sorry to say, but they may never truly fade. Being attacked like this is one of the most horrific experiences a woman can go through and i'd love to kick the living crap out of any man who would do such a thing; kick the crap out of them. Of course, violence doesn't solve much. Still, living crap..

Be gentle with her; kind, compassionate. Gather more information and make it available to her without pushing it on her. Suggest she speaks with a therapist as soon as possible. Don't want those feelings becoming too inter grained. Not only was she raped, she got pregnant. Do you have any idea of the guilt associated with something like this? I can't even fathom the magnitude of something so messed up. This poor woman. My God.

and she won't tell her superiors? What about the perp? Free? Where's the justice?

- - - Updated - - -

More from me. I'm angry. But aside from that, when you say you don't blame her or judge her for what happened, you never said those words to her did you by any chance? If you did, big big mistake. I hope you didn't use those words man.; because like uh, of course she's not to blame and why would anyone have any right what so ever to judge her for being attacked? I'm just saying. You sound like your being very supportive all in all.
Anyway, steer clear of certain words.

She is not to blame. (i know you know that but i'm pissed here, going through a whole slew of emo's) I can't imagine what she's going through. Makes me wish I could fly invisible to this mo fo that did this to her, fly him up about a thousand feet and drop him, indeed I would if I could. I'm visualizing it now and i have a sly grin on my sweet face. Oops, there he goes, down, down , down.

I got followed once and I'm fairly certain they were up to no good and I was their target. I was saved by a stranger that saw the situation and came to my rescue. I can't tell you how much that still shakes me up, the thought of what could have happened that night; and i'm a strong woman, tough but I would not have been able to fend off 4 of them. Thank God and Goddess this other stranger helped me. Man, did he ever puff up; he was scared too. An angel he was and he saved me... I get choked up just thinking about it. I can't imagine what your friend went through nor do I want to.

I'm so sorry this happened to your lady friend. Please get her to speak with someone. She must not do this alone or she will risk shutting herself down irreparably and we must not let that happen. This is not her fault in any way shape or form.

and you?, keep the support going and watch out for certain terms, words, things like that. She's going to be super sensitive for a long time and you must watch what you say.
GodSpeed to her; may she heal and come back to herself soon

[dontaskme]

I don't even know what to say to you... Your post left me quite dumbfounded, but at least let me begin by saying I'm sorry this happened to your girlfriend.

I have no experience whatsoever in dealing with rape cases but I can only imagine the grief and difficulty your girlfriend is going through right now.

I can only say that this is probably going to take sometime for her to recover with the proper support and therapy.

In her case, it is important that she gets the right therapist who is experienced in dealing with rape victims and violence towards women. I am not sure if the school therapist would be the appropriate person for that. Does she have insurance or is covered under her parents insurance? Reason I asked is that, most insurances here in the US will provide for lifetime mental health treatment/therapy with very minimal co-pay.

As for you, it is best not to push yourself into having a relationship. Most rape victims will have intimacy issues for awhile.

I know of a woman who was raped when she was in her 20's and she is now on her 50's, never got married because of the dreadful experience.

I'm not saying that your girlfriend will feel the same way, and that's how a highly effective therapy and supportive friends and family will play a crucial role in her recovery.

In terms of reporting it to the authorities, I know that at this point, it will be very difficult to prove the crime that was committed. I am not even sure if that's a route she will be wiling to take since it will require her to recall the dreadful incident. But if it is something that might help her have a little closure, she may want to consult with an attorney first who can guide her on the necessary steps to take prior to going to the authorities. Most lawyers will give free consultation, specially if they know they have a strong case.

Both of you need to take baby steps until she gets to a point where she can feel whole again as a person.

She will be angry and upset for a long time and if you care for her as a friend, all you can do is to listen to her vent out her frustration over the awful incident.

Hopefully, in due time, she will be able to cope and recover from this. Once again, I'm sorry this happened. Hopefully, you will both take the right steps to move on the right direction.

[woody]

Reading these posts has been quite the tear jerker.

Many Blessings on this Lady, where ever she is, may she heal, may she move on, may she still allow for Love.

blessings on you woman.

[woody]

Legliss, I apologize if I came off slightly 'gruff'. This is one of those things no one is comfortable with let alone offering advice to you and your sweetheart on how to deal with this terrible experience.

You are doing what you can and by the sounds of it, she has a very loving man in her life. I can understand her concerns though about being damaged and not wanting to take it out on the two of you; but I also understand your worried she may shut down, close off and harden her heart. You must continue with the support, keep reading and learning about how best to cope. I agree with 'dontaskme' regarding therapy at the school; might be better to go outside of the school for something like this.
In lue of taking legal action; it is so very unfair and deeply upsetting that to prove an attack like this would be very difficult and would make her re live it and who wants that right? So how does she get closure? Does she even have to see this guy? Is there anything anyone can do (you know what I mean) Anything?

Anyway man, I'm so sorry this happened to your sweetheart. I'm glad she has you though.

best wishes to you and yours through this most trying time.

warm regards,
woody=trees.

[Legliss]

Thanks for all the advice and support guys. We're okay. I've finally gotten back into being that 'good friend' that I was beforehand. I mean it still hurts but I'm doing okay. She seems okay as well, we went out the other night to hang out and talk, she has now seeing a school counselor and is looking into other resources. I'll try and keep you guys and gals updated.

[michelle23]

Im sorry this happened too. She needs professional extensive therapy-possibly for years. Its not something she will ever "get over" but she may learn to move past it and stop blaming herself or feeling ashamed/guilty with help. She was violated in the worst way and she needs an experienced professional to help her process and deal with this.

I think you should tell her you want to support her through this as long as shes getting professional help. If she refuses to get help then you would just be enabling her depression and allowing her to stay ill by supporting that decision

Also your either a couple or your not. Its only going to hurt you if you try to be just friends when you want more and that isn't fair to you. You should tell her how you really feel and what you want. It can't be all on her terms but you can say your willing to hold off on intimacy until she feels ready.

One of the most difficult tasks for her now will be to separate rape from consensual sex in her mind. She obviously knows the difference but may not yet be able to shed the bad feelings that come with it so you will need to be patient and understanding.

I am sure there are online support groups for survivors of sexual assault so recommend one to her. It may help to talk to others in a similar situation

the man who did this deserves to be punished but its her decision whether she wants to involve the authorities. Unfortunately it would be her word against his now as theres no evidence and its very difficult to prove so they would need a confession. It is possible that he has other victims who would come forward too if she presses charges so theres always hope that he will be convicted.