Dumped Because I'm Stressed Over Custody Battle :'(

[montanamommy]

Hi everyone. I'll sum this up because it's an extremely long story.

My boyfriend is a Marine, in the Reserves as of 12/13. He has a daughter who is 8. He served in the Marines for 10 years, deploying twice, and working as a Drill Instructor the rest of that time. He is abrupt but loving. He works for the Sheriff's Dept. here in our county, and so I take care of his daughter every day/night while he's at work (he works many hours, overnight shifts).

He recently broke up with me as of yesterday, because he says I am too stressed out about a custody battle which I am having over my own daughter (age 7) with my ex-husband. The custody battle has turned extremely dirty on my ex-husband's part, and he has used my daughter as a pawn many times. He never partook in her upbringing, and so therefore, he's doing a lousy job taking care of her, and I worry constantly. I live 140 miles away in my hometown, and we share custody.

The battle has been rough, and my lawyer sucked, so I fired her. Looking for new counsel. It is very, very stressful, and many things have happened over the last few months to compound to my stress, bringing me to the near-brink of insanity. I have post-traumatic stress disorder and take medication for it, but that also contributes to my stress levels at times.

My boyfriend, as I said, dumped me yesterday. He said that I'm just too stressed out for "us" right now, and that the breakup isn't forever. He said he wants to get back together down the road, once I have everything in order and have my daughter in my full custody. To me, it felt like he was dumping damaged goods because he'd prefer to have me as I used to be--cheery, happy-go-lucky, stress-free, and fun. But a custody battle tends to hinder those happy emotions, and I admittedly have been drained, drained drained this summer.

Added to everything, I do all that I can for him. He also goes to college, and since he works overnights, there have been times when he's procrastinated his homework until the last minute, and I have (many times) had to do his class forums for him, and even essays (getting excellent grades for him). I take great care of his daughter, and she calls me her "half-mommy" and loves me as such. I love her as my "half-daughter", as well, and we have a great relationship. Since my boyfriend works overnights, he sleeps all day, so I am responsible for getting his daughter ready for school, taking her and a neighbor kid to school, keeping track of her grades, keeping in communication with her teacher, studying her homework with her, bathing her, etc. and putting her to bed every night. Not to mention, coordinating her play dates, sleepovers, etc. with other friends and family members.

I didn't mind doing all of this for them until my boyfriend started becoming distant after last week, when I was absolutely overwhelmed and broke down crying. yes, I was a mess admittedly, but not only was I PMS'ing, but I'm fighting a disgusting custody battle, raising his kid, taking care of his dog, doing all of the laundry, cleaning the house, helping him work on his dirt bike, and I work three jobs, as well.

Yesterday when he broke up with me, he said that not only was it my stress levels that were stressing HIM out, but that he is also up for promotion at the Sheriff's Dept. and he doesn't want anything from my custody battle making him look bad, ultimately causing him to lose the promotion. Since he's never done anything illegal or wrong, I don't see how this makes sense at all.

Ultimately, we decided that we should stay together, but that I should move out. I think this is extremely wrong. Not only does it feel like I've been taken advantage of, overwhelmed by him, and then tossed aside when I reach my breaking point, but I also am worried about his daughter and how she will handle it. She has had a rough life with her mother, whom has lost custody since. However, this child is in desperate need of a stable life, and my boyfriend wanting me to move out just will cause her more instability, and that worries me TONS. I love her to bits and pieces, and I can't bear the thought of her thinking I 'left' or anything else. She loves me so much, and this whole thing just seems so wrong.

This morning, I hopped onto his Facebook page and he'd deleted his relationship status. It doesn't say "Single"; it's just altogether deleted. I asked him why, and he said that it must have done that automatically when I deactivated my account last week. But this change to his account wasn't made until yesterday. And I've been using Facebook long enough to know that you have to manually change that aspect of your profile. I said, "Are we okay?" and he laughed and said, "Yes, of course we're okay. Don't worry, ok?" Huh?

Advice? What the heck is he thinking? Am I nuts, or what? Should I fight for this? Thank you all sooooo much in advance for advice!!

[Wakeup]

Well, I'm likely not going to be telling you anything that you want to hear but; I think he was right to want to distance himself from you until you're straightened away emotionally and with the drama that you're involved with your ex husband.

You need to concentrate on yourself and your daughter right now and worrying about and taking care of his daughter and not being able to understand why he'd want to distance himself from it all is something that you don't need adding to your own responsibilities.

Frankly, IMO if you didn't have all this with the ex straightened out before you met him, then he was foolish to get involved with you in the first place.

Obviously he's not worried about who will be taking care of his little one overnight if he was willing to totally break up with you. Who will be doing that when/if you're no longer in his life?

Right now he's there because of guilt. You'd do well to cut all ties with him until you've straightened everything out with your daughter (who should be your first priority) and you've worked with your therapist to overcome your PTSD. Once you're happy with your own lot, then you'll be able to have a less stressful, more happy romantic relationship, if not with this guy, then certainly with the next one you find yourself involved with.

You have to strive to be able to accept that your daughters father wants to be a part of his daughters life and that he wants to be a part of his daughter's life is something that will only be a good thing for her in the future towards her own emotional well-being. Are you really worried about him not being able to care for her or are you just not wanting him to care for her at all?

How long have you been with your current partner?

[montanamommy]

My current partner and I have known each other since early childhood, on through all of school, and finally got together in 2014 after talking for three years as intimate friends. It evolved, however, and we started dating officially in May 2014.

I worry about my ex-husband taking careof my daughter because he isn't emotionally supportive of her as the divorced proceeded, etc. She would be sad, and he'd just send her to her room, and she became more stressed. I enrolled her into therapy, and she goes every week, and that seems to help.

And my boyfriend's mother will be watching his daughter in the evenings, and she'll be spending the night there, as well.

[Wakeup]

I'm glad to hear you're having your daughter go to therapy. Have you considered asking your ex if he'd join you in family therapy so that you two can get on the same page when it comes to your daughter and her well being? That, if he agrees (which he should since it's for the benefit of her) would be a really good step in you feeling more confident that she's in good hands when its his custody time.

If you had been having an emotional affair with your current partner before leaving your ex husband then that's probable his reason for being an asshole (no excuse to use his daughter as a pawn of course but to him, it's the only way he knows how to get you back) I'm assuming of course because you haven't given further details on the reason for your split ~ you'll correct me if I'm wrong, no doubt.

Anyway, show your current that you are doing everything you can to fix what's happening to make you stressful and unfun to be with. No one wants to care take anyone through divorce drama... (it should all be ironed out before any new relationship is formed actually). Perhaps if he sees you're able to handle things to conclusion without losing it, he'll not want to depart the scene.

Best of luck in you achieving a speedy journey to being the best you that you can be.
It's nice to hear that you're looking after your daughters best interests by getting her therapy. Are you in therapy as well ~ for your PTSD?

[montanamommy]

Gosh, you are very kind. Thank you so much for your great advice.

[Wakeup]

You're welcome.
Stick around and contribute if you have the time and let us know how you're making out periodically. It's always nice to see follow up posts.

Hopefully you'll get some other opinions on your situation.

[woody]

Dear M.M,

I've never been one to stick around a prick which by the sounds of it, this guy is. Your having a rough go of things and he dumps you like a coward. Huh.
I'm sorry to say but since you do everything, why do you need this guy anyway?

The sad part is what's going to happen to your half daughter? And Your daughter?

Any man who cowards out when his woman really needs him, well, i.m.o who needs him. And his excuse is lame, lame, lame.
Maybe one day he'll grow a spine.

One thing I will however agree with wakeup over is your need to work on yourself right now. Get your own place, keep contact up with that little girl your mother to, get custody of your other child and live woman, live.

May you find a good lawyer, may you be strong and may you find a way to a stable home with a good man who doesn't ditch when his woman needs him.
What a dink.
Maybe not what you want to hear but i.m.o, this guy is weak, better off without him.
Upsetting though it must be to worry about the girl on top of everything else your going through.
Well, GodSpeed woman. Good luck
let us know how it goes.
Hope you get some more thoughts on this and the support you need.
woody=trees

[montanamommy]

My hands are shaking with anger towards him after what you just said. You hit the nail on the head, and the more people that respond to my question on this forum and one other, the more I realize I've been taken advantage of big time.

I guess I'm only hesitant because of his daughter; her life has already been a roller coaster because of her mother, and I don't want to add to that. Now I finally understand why parents considering divorce say "We stayed together for the kids".

Very hard decisions I have to make. Thank you genuinely for your response.

[woody]

In lue of your last paragraph dear woman; is there any way you can maintain a relationship with this little girl without staying with her father?
Would he allow this, meaning, is it in him to be selfless regarding his child's happiness or would he punish you by keeping her away?

I must update this. I wrote the other stuff yesterday. I write this paragraph today. I must apologize really.
I uh, tend to get a little opinionated when I sense and/or read of someone getting mistreated, which I do think you are, but still, I shouldn't jump to conclusions that your man is all bad and I am sorry.

ONly you two know the scoop here; all the in's and out's so to speak. For me to encourage you to leave him for good wasn't the best advice because I'm just some stranger writing from the comfort of my home and your the one there, going through it. So if I was overly opinionated, again, all apologies.
I do however, hold firm on the notion that he IS being a dink. He may not be a dink all in all, he's just behaving poorly. Your choice is whether or not he's got enough good bits in him to keep him around; either way, power to you woman.
good luck

[Wakeup]

Way to enable her to be the victim, woody. Sorry, but that is exactly what you've done.

He didn't sign up to be her caretaker. He signed up with her when she wasn't who she is now. Since they are not married and her behaviour is affecting HIS child then he's doing the right thing by wanting it over and done with... whether that over and done with is by her getting better at handling her ex husbands bullshit or whether it's over and done with the relationship as a whole.

OP: Don't let woody talk you into thinking that you're fine and he's the asshole. He's just a good man that has good personal boundaries in place who does not want to be your knight in shining armour which is considered a personality defect to be with "White Knight Syndrome" Google that and find out what he isn't.

Don't stop working on yourself or he will indeed leave you as will every man that doesn't have white knight syndrome do. You were attracted to him because of his personal boundaries now don't stop getting better and striving to be the best you that you can be because you don't have a milque toast enabler as a partner.

[woody]

She didn't sign up to be his either.

How would you like it 'wakeup' if your husband or wife told you one day,
"hey, your going through a rough time right now and uh, your cramping my style, think you should go but hey, when your back to your old problem free self, give me a call, i might be around. Thanks for taking care of my kid, cleaning my clothes, cooking my food, but could you please uh, leave because your a real drag with all your justified emotions and custody issues, cramping my style and i don't want my boss thinking i'm with someone who isn't a stepford wife cause i only care about my promotion and while your uh, great when your great, when you really need me, i'm no where to be found because I lack the balls and spine of a real man'

Huh, HEy, would you like that.

Come on.
enabling??? my ass

[montanamommy]

Omg woody...you just made me laugh out loud. I love your blunt answers Omggggg

[Wakeup]

She didn't sign up to be his either.

How would you like it 'wakeup' if your husband or wife told you one day,
"hey, your going through a rough time right now and uh, your cramping my style, think you should go but hey, when your back to your old problem free self, give me a call, i might be around.

That's not what the Ops partner said or is doing... So Stop being an instigator of even more unrest in this family. Quit enabling and being your codependent self by panting the Op as a victim when she clearly needs to have the help she needs to be clear of her PTSD and her custody battle drama.

Come on.
enabling??? my ass

You are not helping the op to take care of her problems. The very problems that have pushed her SO away from her.

If she wants to leave him because he won't be her white knight codependent enabler then that's her prerogative but her problems will still be in place and they will be there when she meets the next man that thinks she's not issued but in time he finds out that she is... they will still also be there while she's alone or with the man who is tired of all her ex drama.

Woody perhaps you should go smoke a blunt and think about what you're saying. And... "Don't bogart that joint, my friend."

Are you in a relationship with someone that you caretake? Is that why you suggest that this man should be a care taking partner? That he should be happy to stay no matter what dysfunction is going on?

Do you know the difference between Care taking and Care giving? I doubt it so here's a link that will clear that up for you. It will likely go against your hippy dogma but hey... it is what it is.

[url=http://www.expressivecounseling.com/codependency-caretaking/]Codependency: Caretaking vs. Caregiving | Expressive Counseling[/url]

No one should stay where they need to care take someone else if they've lost feelings for them due to the perpetual drama. To do that is not looking after your own interests and forgoing your own personal boundaries. Only people who are codependent and fear being alone stay in situation where they are not happy.

That goes for Momma or her S.O.
Currently he's staying with her. Now, Momma needs to work on why he's fed up to the point that he wants to leave her.

Op: Don't forget to be the best you that you can be. THAT is what will keep you, your daughter and everyone else in your life engaged in the essence that is you.

[woody]

Wakeup, with due respect, why don't you go back and read the original post. REad it well and you'll notice she made no corrections regarding the impression I got from it as I responded.

wakeup, i can't help but to wonder if your associating with this guy (her partner, when it's convenient for him that is), almost like you relate to him somehow. I could be wrong. Seems to have struck yet another nerve with you though with all the 'enabling' this and enabling that. If by enabling, you mean, encourage her to stand up for herself, yes, that is what I am doing.

INteresting how you assume he takes care of her; when from where I'm standing, she is the one doing most of the caring.
You know dear Wakeup; we can always agree to disagree. An amicable solution.

oh yes, I never bogart. wanna toke? (I can't materialize it but I will wish some comes your way)
interesting how you assume that weed=hippy. You know, pot reaches many, not just your convenient stereotypes.
but oh yeah, I am definitely part ha(i)ppy and thank goodness for that

[Wakeup]

Wakeup, with due respect, why don't you go back and read the original post. REad it well and you'll notice she made no corrections regarding the impression I got from it as I responded.

I've read it. He's fed up with her current state and the drama that her divorce is causing him and his daughter. It's understandable.

wakeup, i can't help but to wonder if your associating with this guy (her partner, when it's convenient for him that is), almost like you relate to him somehow.

Hardly, Do you relate to her? Is that why you think that he should forsake his daughters best interests to accommodate the drama that her divorice and PTSD is bringing into ALL their lives?

I could be wrong.

No doubt.

Seems to have struck yet another nerve with you though with all the 'enabling' this and enabling that. If by enabling, you mean, encourage her to stand up for herself, yes, that is what I am doing.

She already stood up for herself by discussing this with him and him having changed his mind (for the time being) about breaking up with her. She doesn't need help with that. What she needs help and encouragement with is getting the divorce drama settled (to which I gave advice on) and to seek or continue to seek therapy for what ails HER which is PTSD.

INteresting how you assume he takes care of her; when from where I'm standing, she is the one doing most of the caring.

Why because she cares for his daughter? His mother can easily do that (as she's stated in her own words) so it's not something that kept him there before the stress got too much for him and his daughter.

You know dear Wakeup; we can always agree to disagree. An amicable solution.

Sure we can. In the meantime, we debate the merits of our opinions.

[oh yes, I never bogart. wanna toke? (I can't materialize it but I will wish some comes your way)

I stopped smoking weed in the early 80's with the birth of our daughter. Perhaps that's why I can see things without the fantasy conjecture, things based on what she's actually told us? *shrugs*

interesting how you assume that weed=hippy. You know, pot reaches many, not just your convenient stereotypes.

It's not the weed that makes me call you a fvcking hippy but it's part of it. No offence btw, we know a few fvcking hippies from back in the day.

Anyway, back on topic. The best thing for everyone around is for her to finalize everything as quickly as possible so that he won't break up with her over the stress and blaming him for wanting a stressfree existence for him and his child, and her and her child isn't helpful to why she's come to a forum. Where's the advice in blaming him for something that if she changes/fixes should make them one big happy family again?

Yea.. we definitely agree to disagree on this one, woody but like you said, that's okay.