Complicated Situation

[ispitzhotfire]

I had no other real place to turn so I decided to ask the internet. I am in a pretty tough spot right now.

Had a strange ending to a great relationship with a girl almost 5 years ago. Long story short, I knew I loved her the second I saw her. I knew I was IN LOVE with her after our first kiss. It was a movie like first kiss. It really freaked me out and I pushed her away. I have regretted it every single day since then. I have moved on with my life, but not a day goes by that I don't think about her and kick myself over the choices I made.

Fastforward to present time. I am in a messy situation. I am with a girl for the last couple years. We have a baby together now. The day she told me she was pregnant I was actually going to break up with her. But I figured, for the baby I should give it a real shot with her to see if it can work out. There is also speculation that she maybe got pregnant on purpose to keep me around. Thinking it would make us one happy family. We are very different. She constantly keeps tabs on me and is convinced I am cheating on her, when I have given no reason to think that. She thinks I am a liar so when I tell her I am doing something she doesn't believe me. If she only knew I am with my friend throwing a frisbee at the park like a couple of dorks, like I said I was going to be doing.... it gets very frustrating to be smothered like this and accused when I have done nothing. She is insecure because she still has baby weight and I get that. But no matter what I say or do, she is stuck in her own head and I am unfortunately the one who pays the price.

I know that it isn't going to work out, but I am kind of stuck at the moment. I had an injury and have not been able to work for a while so I am not able to financially live on my own, let alone, help support a child. We both know it is not going to work out, but she scares me with some of the things she says. Like suicidal things, that I am not sure are real or just to make me feel bad. She is very dramatic, but I don't want to dismiss anything so I have her friends on alert. We have both sacrificed greatly the last couple years, but how long can you sacrifice your own happiness? Sure we have a child and you live for the child, but we also have to live for ourselves. What is the point of being on this planet if it is not to be happy? How can we stay in a relationship based on guilt?

Here is where the two stories collide. Me and the girlfriend broke up last weekend. We talked about it, and figured it was for the best. But then the next day she acted like nothing was different. So things are up in the air. But I have just found out that my ex is single again. This could be my last chance with her. Maybe it won't work out, or maybe she hates me, but to not at least try would be something I would not be able to live with. Here is my question

How can I make communication with her? Even if broken up, I can't move out on my own right now. The situation would probably scare her away, especially if I am still living with the babies mom. But I don't think I can wait because girls like this don't stay single. It might seem harsh that I would try and jump right into something, but I have been checked out of my current relationship for a long time.

Also, this has nothing to do with me wanting to be with my ex, but it is just an added torture... but she is all over TV right now. She is making small appearances on a bunch of TV shows and a ton of commercials. That doesn't make me want to be with her any more than I already did, but I just see her constantly so it is just this reminder I can't escape.

I feel terrible about this entire situation, but I also feel like I deserve to be happy. Maybe things don't work out with my ex, but happiness is not going to be found with my current girlfriend.

[michelle23]

Get off your ass, find a job, end things amicably with this woman, sort custody agreements for the child, be able to support your child financially and be living on your own with your current gf knowing its over with no going back before you go near any other woman.

Be a man, act responsible, you have a child so whether you like it or not, you HAVE to stay on good terms with the mother and ending it through cheating or replacing her too soon will cause drastic long term consequences for everyone involved.

Have some integrity and respect and forget your own selfish needs. You dumped your ex. What makes you think she would even want you? Especially after 5years. Shes long over you and you should be over her now too

[ispitzhotfire]

Not sure how you misread this, but I am not able to work. I am fine with you having a different opinion, but let's not attack, especially when you were incorrect in the first place. I am not just some lazy ass, who doesn't feel like getting a job. It was hard work that put me in the position I am in. I am recovering from back surgery and even so, I am able to support my child, if I am splitting the rent. If I leave, it makes things very difficult. Not just for me, but for the mother of my child. I tried to go back to work early, and paid the price causing setbacks to my health that will last me the rest of my life.

I don't see how I need to "be a man," when I have done nothing but that. Put yourself in my shoes... you are with a girl who threatens harm to herself if you leave, yet you stay and constantly get accused of things you never did. We have talked about the situation and she knows that I am spent. I never said anywhere in my post that I didn't want to remain as friendly as possible after the split. I want nothing more. Custody has already been discussed and is set.

Maybe it is wrong of me to want to do something that will make me happy. I am not going to "cheat" and I never have in my entire life. But I don't think it is being selfish to want to be happy. I have changed my entire life to try and make this work, but at a certain point you just have to cut your losses. And maybe my old girlfriend won't want anything to do with me. That is most likely what will happen. But if I don't try, I will always regret it. Me wanting to split with the mother of my child has nothing to do with her. Just the timing of everything is the reason I would want to get in touch with her. But to say, "She's long over you and you should be over her too now" is kind of a BS statement. Especially telling someone that they should be over someone. Of course I feel like I should be over her... but here I am and I am not.

[michelle23]

Your missing my whole point. You cant start a new relationship until you finish the one you are already in completely. You still have a lot of work to do before you are ready to be in a new relationship. I wasn't calling you lazy, I was saying to sort this mess your in first. If you cannot work, fine but you cannot stay living with her and trying to start something with someone else.

Yes you deserve to be happy but you need to go about it in the right way

[Wakeup]

dated a few months before we started staying

Can you give more information on why you and this ex you "can't" get over broke up?

As for starting a relationship while you're disabled, unable to work, still living with your new ex... You're not exactly what most women would call "A Catch." I'm not saying that to be a smart ass.. just sayin.

What makes you think that pursuing her now would be a good strategy?
Are the issues that lead you to your break up still there?
What is your estimated recovery period?

[Bitter me not]

you have to consider your feeling with your ex, cause yo will never happy if you are going to prioritize the feeling of you child mom, at first its too hard to do but then later the mom of your child will accept. if she really want to commit suicide she does not have to let you know, she is just black mailing you.

[ispitzhotfire]

Fair enough. Sorry I took it as an attack. I agree as well. I am trying to go about it the right way.

- - - Updated - - -

So the ex I can't get over... we met one night as she was a friend of my buddies. We just really hit it off. Never had a connection like that in all of my years. I mean...she is gorgeous, and her voice made me melt...but our personalities just click so all the physical stuff was a bonus, not the biggest attraction. The reason we broke up is because of this. I had been in a really messed up relationship a few years before that left some pretty deep wounds...as had she. So we were both really guarded. The only way I felt that I could protect myself was by keeping her at a distance. So I would just start small arguments. I never did anything overly bad, just a lot of small things. So she got weird because she wasn't used to me being like that. So we didn't talk for a week, and I thought she just bailed. So I got mad (and unfortunately had a friend feeding me BS instead of real advice) We both thought the other person was over it and just sort of took time off. Then I see her at the movies with her friends and they stop to talk to me and I just walked right passed them, because I was with my friend and like an idiot, didn't want to feel like a wuss. And in case she was over it I didn't want to be that awkward guy who couldn't let go. When in reality all I wanted to do was grab her. I let my "pride" if that's even what you want to call it get in the way.

As for starting a relationship now... yeah I am not in the best place but I have a lot of great attributes aside from my job. But yeah, not the catch I can be if I wait. The only problem is that if I wait I fear my window will close. But I have grown a lot, especially after this injury and becoming a father, so the issues I had with closeness would not be a factor. I see a whole lot more clearly now. It might not be a good strategy, and she might reject me the likes have which have never been seen, but at least I will know. Living the rest of my life without having given it a shot will really be tough on me.

Hopefully I will be back at work in 6 weeks. I should have been back by now, but I was rear ended in my car and that set me back pretty good, and then reinsured myself in physical therapy as well. Before the injury I was extremely athletic and in amazing shape. So it has been hard and I pushed myself too hard in therapy.

Thanks for the reply.

- - - Updated - - -

Thank you. I hope she will be able to realize that it will be better for all of us. Not seeing the baby every day will be terrible, but I will be happier, babies mother will be happier and that will make life easier for everyone involved. She deserves to be happy as well and she will find someone who is 100% into the relationship and find that.