Torn in two

[whetherornot]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years. She's very closed emotionally, very passive.

She said that before me she had only one intimate relationship with one guy, for one month. They mutually agreed that they're not one for each other, and after that they remained friends for a casual cup of coffee.

I'm not the guy to question how many men someone had before me, nor does it really matter. We all have our pasts. Sex is a normal thing. But she brought up the subject herself. And I was honest with her about all my previous relationships. But one thing about her answer bugged me - when we first hooked up, sexually she felt more experienced than someone who just had one sexual relationship for one month.

But I buried that somewhere in my subconsciousness. It didn't matter. Until one day, when she was showing me some pictures on her phone (and I never ever browsed her phone when she was not looking, I'm just not that kind of guy), she handed the phone to me to keep browsing (a fodler of some 2000 pics), and I just got bored and clicked on another different folder, she then tried to take the phone from my hand, but I didn't let go because I saw pictures of her lying on a pillow shot from the top (which she then said she took herself) but never evere showed them to me. Then as I started to get angry I saw that she has his contact numbers, and some sms messages from him.

After many traumatic attempts at open conversation, the truth about her relationship came out: She was with him for one month, but then he found another girlfriend whom he eventually married, but she continued to have sexual relationship with him for 4 more years, as his side-lover, don't know if that's the right term.

But she claimed that that all stopped a year before we met, and although she still met him occasionally while we were together, she didn't have sex with him anymore, it was only cofee and chat.

And those two messages I saw show that, one time when we had a fight and didn't see or spoke to each other for two weeks, she contacted him, and when we continued our normal everyday relationship after those two weeks, he was texting her "why don't you answer my calls now".

When I asked her then, if it's true that he didn't matter to her anymore, and that they're not even in "casual cofee" touch anymore for over 2 years now, to delete his contact from her phone, she refused. Reason: "if you want me to delete it, it proves you don't trust me or love me"

So what am I to assume? She again claims she was never with him while she was with me. But my trust in her is completely shaken. She continued a sexual relationship with a married man, whom she calls a friend, but once she stated, and I do qoute: "I don't have sex with friends."

[woody]

He's the past, your the present and the future.
She isn't answering his calls anymore either so...

Yes, being handed a lie is never an easy thing to move on from especially when it's about another person they were intimate with. BUT, again, he is her past, you are her future. So unless she's actively seeking him out for intimacy you have little to worry about.

[michelle23]

She has a cheek saying that proves you don't trust her. She did lie to you from the beginning, she had an affair with a married man, she has remained in contact with him whilst lying to you and she has gotten defensive, upset and angry when you tell her to get rid of him. It all stinks of shady shit.

I wouldn't believe her or trust her and I wouldn't stay with someone who shows such red flag behavior.

[whetherornot]

First I thought... 6 years... There were good times too... But, as the time goes, I'm thinking if sex is the only issue, that the only solution I guess would be is to ask her to do us at the same time, then either have it or not - it's goodbye all the same and move on - the triangular relationship is out of question. and for many people it is... for many not...

Then again, is it not possible to love more than one people at the same time? But if something like that would ever happen to me, at least I'd have the guts to tell my other partner about it.

"Things are what they are, and what will be will be."