I have been with my current boyfriend for 4 years now and I know he is the man for me... so why did I cheat on him over the weekend?!

I am very lucky to have this man in my life, he is my best friend and he makes me laugh so much!
The sex life at the start of our relationship was amazing.... however these days it is non existent!
He sometimes struggles to "perform" and says this is due to stress, I understand this as he has his own business and I see how stressed he is all the time!
However it is the little comments that follow "this has never happened to me with a girl before"... This comment for a woman does not make you feel great about yourself!
He is very selfish in bed.. it is like he forgets that it is actually for 2 people and not just him. He has no interest in pleasuring me or making sure that I finish.. this is not even a thought in his head! This has never been a major issue too me as to be honest I do not have a high sex drive at all and all of his other atributes outway this 100%.... So why did I do it?!

A couple of weeks ago we were out having a few drinks with friends in one of our favourite bars, he came up to me " Lets leave.. I need to talk to you"
I was a bit confused... on the walk home he came out with " Listen dont worry I am not cheating on you or anything...... its just......... the way you used to look" followed by some more drunken drivel.
I felt so upset I cannot describe! I have always been with idiot men in the past, shallow, sleasy, unfaithful men... but I thought he was different!!!
I still do as when he saw how upset I was he instantly regretted it! He told me he does not know where it came from and wants me to forget it and forgive him!

I forgave him but could not stop thinking about it! " these comments do not come out of nowhere, am I that disgusting to him?"... I am aware I have put on a bit of weight but not enough for such a horrible comment- I am 24 years old and about 5.4, I have got from about 8 1/2 stone to 9 and am more that confident I am not obese!

I tried to bring it up a couple of times with him.. getting nowhere with the conversation. It made me realise I have to get over the confidence crush myself.
I felt so low... it started to make me think (I cant remember the last time he gave me a compliment, the last time he stared into my eyes, made me feel sexy) I felt so shit and stuck in a rut within myself.

I decided over the weekend to go down to the bar as he did not want to go out. I used to work in this particular bar so always know there is somebody to chat to or hang out with.
I ended up running into a friend of mine there and we started hanging out he told me how great I was looking.. it sounds pathetic but just hearing this gave me a boost within myself! He was full of compliments and he made me feel like the only woman in the bar.

I will not go into detail but I ended up cheating with him! I never thought I would do something like that. I have always been very opinionated on the subject of cheating " never cheat... if you are not happy then leave" " It is one of the most hurtful things you can do to a person"......... And look what I have done.

To be honest ever since I have felt my confidence go up, I felt like a woman again, I felt sexy again, I felt 100x better.
I feel like I just needed this to get my confidence within myself back... to move in from the put downs and help move on from it for me and my boyfriends sake.

I genuinely have no intention of ever doing anything like this again so this is not what it is about!


Apologies for the essay... I would just really really really appreciate peoples opinions on this, in my heart I feel it was ok and that I am not a terrible person.... but my head is telling me otherwise and I cant concentrate on anything else at the moment!


Thank you guys for reading this