My male best friend acts distant and cold at times and I'm so confused.

[DoctorLuv]

I work with a guy who is one of my best friends. We have a lot in common, right down to both of us being New Yorkers transplanted to CA. We work in competing roles, doing the same job. Two years ago, he crossed the dividing line between our two "factions" at work to pursue a friendship with me.We share the same sense of humor, which is often inappropriate. We have confided in each other and have generally been there for each other in work battles. We are both married and any time we socialize it is always with our spouses. The four of us get along great. My friend has in the past jokingly said things like "I'll bet you're great in bed." Which we both laugh off. I've caught him staring at me with a twinkle in his eye. He's constantly giving me a hard time in a playful way. People comment things like "You two should get a room." And truly, there is a lot of chemistry, but both of us are fiercely loyal to our spouses and there has never been even a hint of something physical.we often say we are like brother and sister. The issue is that we will laugh and have fun for 1-2 weeks at a time, then...all of a sudden, he'll become cold aND reserved. Treating me like an acquaintance. I have asked him if he's ok...have I done something. ..and he always says he's busy and it's no big deal. Then eventually after I leave him alone a while, he's back to the old him and we're chatting it up and he's publicly calling me his bestie. What is this craziness? Can we be friends? Have you had issues like this in your relationships with the opposite sex? I adore him and when we are in that "sweet spot" I feel this is one of my closest relationships.

[Wakeup]

Oh my dear you are having an emotional affair and you may be "loyal" in a physical sense to your partner, you are apparently not so much loyal in the emotional.

Your friend is backing off more likely then not so that you can cool your jets and re-group mentally to bring this back to a platonic relationship.

Do yourself a favor and STOP crossing relationship boundaries with him (like flirting and being inappropriately innuendo-ing your way through the work day, like hanging out with him one on one, like texting/phoning/emailing him when it doesn't have anything to do with your job) and stop letting him do any of those things to you. Do you guys go to lunch together? Hang out one-on-one outside of work?

Its great that the four of you get along that's fun... it's what the two of you do while "getting along" that is disrespectful to both your and his primary partners.

Like I said, either he's trying to get things back to a less emotional involvment or he sees you're getting too emotionally involved and he's trying to cool your jets by backing away... That's my GUESS anyway. The only person you're going to get the truth from is him so why not ask him outright why he does that rather then just asking him if he's okay.

Here's something to ponder: You're far too close to him emotionally if he doesn't give you attention for a short while and you have a need to ask strangers on a message board why he does it.

I adore him and when we are in that "sweet spot" I feel this is one of my closest relationships.

Funny, that's how I describe my relationship with MY HUSBAND... (sans of course him backing off and playing me with this push / pull stuff this guy is doing to you... oh how he has you in a tither)

[katyk]

Agree totally with Wakeup....you say there is never any hint of something physical but you previously said he commented that he thought you would be great in bed. So what is that then? NOT something a friend says to a friend t.b.h. Not in my experience. He is obviously getting under your skin...otherwise you wouldn't be pondering what he means, what his looks mean, why he seems cool etc. He would just be a 'friend' to pick up and leave of as and when. But he isn't...is he? You are already relying on him to add spice to your life. A disaster waiting to happen and that is probably why he cools off!

You know what they say about that river in Egypt? De Nial.....People's worst enemies.

Nip this in the bud yourself now otherwise it will get messy and your respective partners will not be amused.

[michelle23]

Your spouses must be blind to not see the writing on the wall here.. i would have divorced you by now if i was married to you.. people have no common sense anymore.. were you raised in the wild or what?

How can you even think for a second that your behavior with this man is appropriate? And you call yourself loyal??

Denial is not just a river in egypt

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http://www.redbookmag.com/_mobile/love-sex/advice/emotional-affair-ll

[dontaskme]

Be honest with yourself, do you have romantic feelings for your male bestie?

[woody]

yah, wakeup and dontaskme nailed some hard truths here. O.P, I would imagine he goes from hot to cold due to feelings becoming inappropriate towards you. Having chemistry, though grand, when it's with someone who isn't our S.O, well, talk about confusing.
and then there's the whole, how does your husband feel about this guy? Sure, he may put on the good face but do you honestly think that they (your hubby and his wife) don't get a little insecure over it all?

If your co worker/buddy puts on the drastic brakes regarding how he treats you, sounds like he's thinking of you in a very friendly way indeed. But he loves his wife, knows your husband and understands full well he must step back...

Love the one your with. Protect their honor.. If you love your husband, then love your husband.

I get that this other guy is a good friend but it sounds to me like some boundaries are needed. And some real soul searching regarding just how you feel about him. Is he really just someone you want as a friend or is there more?

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Your spouses must be blind to not see the writing on the wall here.. i would have divorced you by now if i was married to you.. people have no common sense anymore.. were you raised in the wild or what?

How can you even think for a second that your behavior with this man is appropriate? And you call yourself loyal??

Denial is not just a river in egypt

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[url=http://www.redbookmag.com/_mobile/love-sex/advice/emotional-affair-ll]Emotional Affairs - Signs of an Emotional Affair - Redbook[/url]

Now now; I was raised in the wild, pretty much and in no way did that affect my so called 'common sense' in a negative way. Let's not assume bush women are morons shall we. te heeh