Choosing between Fiance and Family

[gknyc87]

Okay, I just wrote a much longer post but I completely lost it. Therefore, this is going to be much shorter and to the point.

I have been with my fiance for 2 years now. My family refuses to accept the relationship or meet him. This is due to the fact that 1. were Italian and he's from Pakistan and 2. he had a murder attempt against him about 7 years ago. He entered into an arranged marriage not knowing the woman had a mental illness. Instead of divorcing her, he tried to get her help but it became very difficult and then she started cheating. He had enough and told her he was going to file for a divorce, and that night she tried stabbing him in his sleep. There are news articles all over the internet about it, which is how my family found out to begin with. My mothers ideology is that the woman must of had other reasons to try and kill him, aside from a mental illness.

My fiance is a good man. He's been a college professor for 16 years, and a high school teacher for 14 years. He treats me very well, and would pretty much do anything for me. My family won't accept it, period. My mother and I have gotten into major battles over this relationship for the past 2 years. My sister moved to Italy a year and a half ago and refuses to speak to me. My Aunt works with him at the high school, and makes his life there torture because of me. My father isn't against it at all, but has told me several times that he just can't go against my mother. I have told her on several different occasions that if she just MET him and then found something off about him or something she didn't like, then I'd take her advice into consideration. I can't possible respect her wishes if she refuses to even meet him. She has nothing to go on. He's from Pakistan but he's not even Muslim, he's Catholic just like we are. He went to Catholic schools growing up, so It's not like there's even a religious difference there.

The Holiday's are coming, with Thanksgiving just a few days away. Last year, the holidays were hell for me and I couldn't wait for them to be over. I find myself in the same situation now, not knowing what to do. My fiance literally has NO ONE here. He has 2 grown children, but they live about 2 hours away and are obligated to stay with their mother for the holidays. Aside from them, he has no one else except me. I do consider him to be my family anyway, especially since he's going to be my husband one day (I am dragging my feet about even setting a date because I SO desperately want my family to be a part of it). I don't want to leave him alone on the Holiday's, I wouldn't feel right. At the same time, I love my family and don't want to hurt them either by not being there. Last year I tried splitting the holidays between them and him, and my mother still made my life hell over it because she expects me there for EVERY minute of the day. I'm in the same position again this year, and hate it. I feel like he shouldn't be punished because they refuse to meet him or accept him. It's not like he's the one making me choose; he would probably jump to the moon if he was ever invited to a holiday or special occasion.

I just don't know what's right or wrong. I don't want another holiday season to come and go with nothing but arguing. I always LOVED this time of year, but these days I hate it and I don't want to hate it.

Any advice/guidance would be appreciated!

[dontaskme]

How old are you and your fiancé?

[gknyc87]

I am 32, and he is 46.

[michelle23]

I would be wary and suspicious too. He killed his ex wife and you don't know 100% that it was self defense. Remember he is bigger and stronger than her, he had an unequal advantage-that is why men usually lose in domestic violence charges because it is possibly for him to restrain her without causing severe harm or killing here.

If a man lashes out in anger against a woman then the chances of her being seriously hurt are high coz again there is a difference in height, weight, muscle mass etc giving him a dangerous advantage

[gknyc87]

I would be wary and suspicious too. He killed his ex wife and you don't know 100% that it was self defense. Remember he is bigger and stronger than her, he had an unequal advantage-that is why men usually lose in domestic violence charges because it is possibly for him to restrain her without causing severe harm or killing here.

If a man lashes out in anger against a woman then the chances of her being seriously hurt are high coz again there is a difference in height, weight, muscle mass etc giving him a dangerous advantage

Sorry if I made that unclear. He didn't kill his ex wife. She tried to kill him in his sleep (she straddled him in his sleep and stabbed him multiple times, he didn't do anything to her except grab the knife and run). No one died, he actually testified in court saying he didn't think she should have jail time but she should get help instead.

[dontaskme]

Could it be that the reason why your family is against your fiance is because of the combination of his race, marital status, age difference and his history with his ex?

I'm sure their intentions are good and harmless being that you are their daughter. If I become a parent myself, I would want my daughter to marry someone who is 1) Never married before and 2) closer to her age... but love is love and sometimes you don't get to choose who you fall in love with.

In my opinion, you do not have to choose between your family and fiance. It seems that you both love them equally. Keep doing what you are doing and hopefully, once you are married and have kids with this guy, your family will eventually learn to accept him.

- - - Updated - - -

Could it be that the reason why your family is against your fiance is because of the combination of his race, marital status, age difference and his history with his ex?

I'm sure their intentions are good and harmless being that you are their daughter. If I become a parent myself, I would want my daughter to marry someone who is 1) Never married before and 2) closer to her age... but love is love and sometimes you don't get to choose who you fall in love with.

In my opinion, you do not have to choose between your family and fiance. It seems that you both love them equally. Keep doing what you are doing and hopefully, once you are married and have kids with this guy, your family will eventually learn to accept him.

[TheEvilJester]

It is unfortunate that families do this to us sometimes. I can understand your family's concerns. At the end of the day, though, you are 32. You are long since an adult, so unless they have reasons to doubt your common sense, they need to treat you like an adult. As I said, I can understand their concerns, but it isn't like he killed anybody. HIS wife had mental issues and tried to kill him. As you state, he did not even attack her in return, but merely got himself out of the situation.

I would imagine your family probably doesn't even have to take him at his word on that. It is probably in the news articles you mentioned. So, when it comes down to it, it is okay for your family to be concerned. That is what family does. But, they should trust your judgment and care enough about you to want to give a chance to the guy you love and are planning to marry.

The sad truth is, even though people reach an age where they are technically considered an adult, some people never truly grow up. Sounds like your family is among that crowd.

Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do but continue to do what you are doing. As best as you can, try not to let them drag you into an argument. Just continue to calmly tell them something to the effect of "Listen, this is the man I love. I appreciate your concern and love you for caring about me, but you need to trust that I am an adult and would not allow myself to knowingly enter into a bad situation. You need to treat him as part of the family, since he is going to be marrying me, so he should be part of the family. If you ever see legitimate reasons for concern after knowing him, I will listen to what you have to say, but you cannot judge him unfairly, especially without knowing him." Something along those lines, I would say.

They have to know that you love them, but if they are going to treat him unfairly, and refuse to trust you and give him a chance, then you may have to start to distance yourself from them. Make it clear you don't WANT to do that because they are your family and you love them. But, you may HAVE to do that because this is the man you love and they are not even willing to give him a chance.

Hopefully they grow the heck up and stop this crap. If not, even if they turn out to have been right (if he suddenly proved to be a complete jerk and completely unworthy of you), they were still very wrong because they didn't even give him the chance to prove or disprove their concerns. They just judged him without even a chance. Good luck.

[katyk]

What a sad story. I can understand your family's concerns but you ARE an adult and as such they should respect your judgement and wishes. They appear to be blinkered in their judgement and refuse to waiver. IF, you are really convinced that this man is for you then I think all you can do is tell your mum, you love her, you don't want to lose her, you will always be her daughter but that you have to live your life the way YOU want it and not how SHE wants it! She made her choices and nobody can or should control their children for ever more. They raise them, they teach them and then they send them out with their blessings to make their own way and their own mistakes. IF your mum refuses, it will be difficult but it is YOUR life....remember that! xxx