Should I tell him/how honest is too honest?

[lavinia808]

I'm a 20 year old college student at an out of state university. Before leaving for college, I was in love with a guy who was amazing, but I was inexperienced, unstable, and not ready for a long distance relationship. I ended it, still in love with him. He was hurt. Since then, we didn't talk for 2 years, and are just now beginning to speak again. I've only talked to him a few times recently, just to catch up, but it brought up a lot of strong emotions. I plan on seeing him in person when I get back. At one point I thought he was the love of my life. To be clear, I have no intentions or expectations with seeing my ex. I have no idea what to expect, if anything. However, there is a small possibility of us getting back together.

Meanwhile, I have been casually dating at school. I met a guy who I am not committed to but am starting to have feelings for and who cares for me deeply. Knowing that I needed to find closure with my ex, I told him that I didn't want anything serious initially. Things have managed to get serious regardless, and I am afraid of hurting him. I feel bad balancing two guys.

My question is whether or not I should explain the situation to the guy I have been seeing recently. The honesty would most likely hurt him, but he would understand. I haven't lied to him about anything. Is telling him the right thing to do, or is this just a selfish way to get something off my chest which need not be addressed? I risk hurting him more later by not telling him, leaving him feeling betrayed. I risk hurting him unnecessarily now if all I do is find closure with my ex.

[TheEvilJester]

I guess it depends somewhat on how long you have been going together, and how you define the relationship. You say that it has gotten somewhat more serious, so that would say that you probably should talk to him about it. Do you two still date others, or are you exclusive? If you are specifically exclusive, then even more so you need to talk to him about it.

Would you say you are boyfriend and girlfriend? Again, that would say you should definitely talk to him about it. In fact, if you are that serious, you really should decide whether he is important enough to forget your ex. If not, if you feel you want to see if there could be something with your ex, then you really owe it to the current BF to end things first (again, this is assuming it is serious and you and he are not just dating).

To be honest, even if you two do not consider it serious, it sounds to me like you've at least been going together long enough that the right thing to do is to talk to him about it either way. If that is the case, you certainly shouldn't be going behind his back to see your ex. It would be one thing if you had just gone on one or two dates. There is nothing wrong with dating around a bit to see if you may hit it off with one guy more than another. However, it sounds like you and he have been somewhat of an item for some time. So, that is not just casual dating if you ask me.

Good luck. I hope you are able to decide what you think is best, and I hope it goes well for you.

[smackie9]

From what I see you don't really want closure, you want to see if there is a possibility to be with him again and also to assess who you want to continue seeing. Nothing really wrong with that, you already told the one guy that you weren't serious ( I hope you told him that), so you owe him nothing despite his feelings for you.

Meet your friend, tell him what you told us as to what happened and why your feelings were messed up. Then proceed to catch up. After your meeting think about things, then give him your answer.

[lavinia808]

To clarify, I am neither exclusive nor in any sort of defined relationship with the man I am seeing now. I met him in October and we're still just seeing where things go. When I met him, I told him right away that I didn't want anything serious.

[smackie9]

To clarify, I am neither exclusive nor in any sort of defined relationship with the man I am seeing now. I met him in October and we're still just seeing where things go. When I met him, I told him right away that I didn't want anything serious.

Yes but since you stated "Things have managed to get serious regardless" which says to me none of the above is true anymore. So If you are going to stick by "We are not exclusive" I think you better clarify it with him AGAIN. I have a feeling in the back of your mind, he is assuming you are not just dating, that this defined as a committed relationship....any of you dating others, keeping your options open atm??


If there is no defined relationship as you say with this guy you are seeing now, then you owe him nothing. You don't have to tell him anything about it. It's not cheating, you can go meet anyone you want, am I right?

[kp15]

If it was me I personally would not tell the guy that I was casually dating. If you all are not serious or in an exclusive relationship it's not like you owe that to him anyway. Get the closure with your ex. I think if things go differently with your ex, like getting serious again, then yes, you owe the man that you are casual with an explanation.

[Wakeup]

How sad that some people want to string along a guy that is clearly falling for the op and not clear things up. You don't owe the guy you are currently bedding a relationship or an conversation about your thoughts being with the possibility of reconciling with an ex but if you know for a fact that he is developing feelings for you then you need to do the right thing which is have a conversation with him again and ask him if he is indeed catching feelings when your deal was "nothing serious."

Someone with integrity would have that conversation. Someone who was confident and knows that she is a good catch that will catch someone new if she should lose lover boy and things with the ex don't work out, would talk to the guy and let the chips fall where they may. Anything less is just plain shitty and self-serving.

Op: I think you want to tell him hence you started this thread... If you didn't feel you needed to talk to him about it then you wouldn't bother asking us... you'd just go about stringing him along as backup as you pursue a possibility with your ex.

[TheEvilJester]

I agree with what the folks who responded after my post have had to say. Again, the distinction really is with how serious the current relationship has become. On the one hand, you are saying it is not serious and you've even had the not serious talk with him, yet on the other hand you are saying it has become more serious. So, bottom line, if it has become more serious for you, or for him, or for both, then yes you should talk to him about it and not just do what you want behind his back.

Now that I think of it a little further, even if it is not serious, and you both are well aware of that, if you've been going together for a while (multiple dates) then why would you NOT tell him? I mean, if neither of you thought it was serious then why would it be that big of a deal to him what you do outside of your dates with him?

So, I kinda feel like the right thing to do either way would be to tell him about it/talk about it. If you had only gone on a date or two, then I would say no. But, serious or not, you've been together a couple months at this point, so I get the impression that would imply several dates have taken place. So, at this point why not just talk to him about it?

[lavinia808]

Thanks guys. I plan on telling him now. Hopefully he won't worry about it too much over break :/ I won't bee seeing him for a month.