Keeping in contact with an Ex-wife, is this normal?

[blueorchid]

Peoples honest replies would really help me try to decide what to do here. I am a 40 year professional woman and fell for a colleague of mine who's wife had left him, in fact she had an affair during the marriage and wound up with moving in with her boss when the marriage ended.
There was a period of 9 months before my bf and I started dating...and it was fantastic, he was so good to me, so caring generous and kind, we both very much have enjoyed each others company. I went into the relationship with an understanding that the two of them were amicable...I was okay with occasional contact. I started to notice pattern of phone calls and texts messages from her that really started to make me uncomfortable. Daily contact, if he did not answer his cell phone, she would call his landline...send 4 or 5 texts in a row if she did not get a response, calling at 9:30 at night when we would be in bed. Always wanting to know what he was doing at the moment and what his plans were for the next day. This eventually got to me and I ended it as I was shocked with what she was doing even though she had moved on with her life with a new guy. I spoke with my bf and he swore up and down that they were just friends, but I was uneasy about it and ended it. A month or so after that we tried to talk things through and he had told me that he told her she needed to stop calling and texting. It worked for a while, but then it started up again. We would go away and she would be texting, we would go out for dinner and she would be calling or texting. We went on vacation and she showed up with her boyfriend for the day, and walks around crying because her ex husbands family is not receptive to her. My bf's daughter is 20 there really is no reason for any of the constant contact, there is no young children involved here. Then it came to her calling wanting my bf to be Mr. Fix it for her and her boyfriends restaurant business, and my bf started doing what she wanted.
She would snap her fingers and he would do it.
My bf bought me a ring and we were getting serious...potentially moving in together was the plan. I tolerated this and put my own feelings aside because I very much cared for him and did not want the dynamics of the relationship to change. However the last straw for me was the last time he took me for dinner, he dropped me off, said he was going home, I felt quite uneasy so I text him and it took 15 mins for him to text me back and he said he was at his friends house...I almost felt sick to my stomach...I got in my car and drove down the street and sure enough he was at his ex-wifes. She was the only one home. I was devastated...and I made him aware right away that I knew where he really was. He tells me she invited him in for coffee when he went to pick up the dog and the reason he lied to me was because he knew I would be upset. I felt cheated and deceived and I was so hurt...I could not wrap my head around the fact that this man was making all these future plans with me, spending so much money on us as a couple and now lying on top of the ex-wife troubles that already existed. Why would a man risk a really good potential future with someone loyal, honest, fun, hardworking and promising for someone who was not faithful and with someone else? I ended it again as I felt that it was too much to cope with and I am also protecting myself from getting hurt...he did not try to fix the situation either and that hurt me quite badly. Almost 2 months have gone by now but Im still having a difficult time with it. I had arranged to meet with him and talk this upcoming weekend. I know this is a long post...I appreciate whoever has taken the time to read it and any suggestions would really help me, really stumped with this.

[Makeme]

Hi I'm wondering if he still may have feelings for her since she was the one that left the relationship.

[blueorchid]

Hi there, yes...I think that there probably is but he just has not been able to work through them, but on the same note he says that he had an unhappy marriage, she was a very demanding woman, and not a happy person either

[smackie9]

Obviously he has fallen onto old habits.....one of the issues in that marriage was that he is a pushover. he needs to snap out of it. You already have told him that this is not appropriate, he did take action, but didn't follow through again. I bet money on it he spinelessly told her you were upset that she was calling all the time INSTEAD of saying that he didn't approve of her doing it and it needs to stop now. That's why it has continued.

Tell him this: His ex is being disrespectful of your relationship (and so has he). Since they are divorced, he doesn't owe her anything, not even his time...the marriage is OVER. She has no right to intervene, and make demands. Then you can say if he continues to allow this, then there can't be a future with you. And then continue to say, why should you stay in a relationship that make you feel paranoid and uncomfortable, compounded with his lying.

TBH I see a huge red flag. He has no backbone...this is going to cause other issues in your own relationship down the road. I would be cautious of investing your future with this guy. I know you are in love, but sometimes what isn't right is hard to see.

[Wakeup]

Rebound relationship is what you and he were in. \

It's block and delete him or it's ultimatum time. Either he stops talking to her 100% which will help both him and her to get on with their lives without one another or you block and delete him and YOU get on with your life without THEM in it.

He is really very poor long term relationship material at this point (google rebound relationship and see why) so be very careful that you don't settle for anything other then the two choices mentioned.

Me? I'd block and delete him. He's proven to have unfinished emotional business with her (going over for coffee? pfffft) and he's proven to be a liar for reasons that are clearly for his benefit in order to maintain the status quo with you while still entertaining her and her bullshit. She cheated on him and he still wants to have a coffee and chat with her and respond to her texts etc? Pffffft again.

[blueorchid]

He is almost 50 and unfortunately people get set in their ways at that age, I think he has been hanging onto old habits as thats what he has been used to for 20 years. I do plan on putting these things forward in a non aggressive manner...I have done my homework on this. Prior to this relationship I had been single for many years as I was in an abusive relationship when I was younger. When someone came along and treated me well it was everything I never had but unfortunately with an ex wife constantly still involved in his life, it's not something I really desire...and not sure if I could trust either. Smakie9 I thank you very much for your reply!

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Thanks for your reply Wakeup, I did do the block and delete anyhow on FB...unfortunately being colleagues this was difficult as well as it has affected our work performance. I am going to keep my distance with this with him, but get my point across as well at the same time. I have done my homework and really did not want to entirely give things up but, for the sake of me blowing sky high I may have to unless he chooses to have no contact with her... which Im not sure he can do.

[smackie9]

I'm 50 and I also know people can learn to grow up if they understand the consequences of their choices.

[blueorchid]

Yes, you are right, I believe that as well, maybe just a matter of time, change does not happen overnight.

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I should not have made reference to the age in that respect...I think its old habits that are still there, anyone can change if they want to.

[woody]

Dear BlueOrchid,

Well, having been in a similar situation, well, sort of, I'd say your tolerance level greatly outweighs my own. Gallant of you to have put up with this for as long as you did. As you say, there are no young children involved here at which point it became a rather odd zone didn't it.
She's a lingerer; and he's fallen for it. He may not have the za za zoom for her anymore but for some reason, she seems to know how to play him right into her hands and it's a shame he can't see through her controlling aspects. dang. I feel for you.
It's a tough one as you say he's a good man, things felt right, everything was going well aside from the ex lingering on and on and on some more. She's not respecting your place in his life and whether he's too naive to see how her actions are dishonorable ttowards you or whether he just doesn't have it in him to stand up to her and protect you two, well, for crying out loud, you can't be with a man who for whatever reason isn't standing up for you or himself for that matter.
In your situation it would seem like he's put her ahead of you even if he doesn't see it like that, but from where your standing, that's the view and you sound like a good woman; and as we know, a good woman won't tolerate for long what you've already spent too much time tolerating.

I don't think i'm making sense. Sorry about that. Bottom line's this. If he can't figure out that the two of you can't really start a fresh life together while his ex has him on speed dial and takes full advantage, then he's a fool and after all the talks have been exhausted yet he still doesn't really get it (or hold to it), he leaves you no other option than to stand up for your self. Perhaps he'll figure things out now that you've taken yourself away from his life. Sorry your going through this.
I never understood why some people keep lingerers. We had one ourselves and it still bugs me.

I wish you the success you want regarding this. Hold strong, know your self worth and stick to it.

okay, I came back, realizing I tend to ramble what I really wanted to say in my long post is this: when the ex doesn't respect or honor the new ladies place in their ex's life, it becomes the man's place to protect and honor his present ladies place in his life and if he cannot, well then, that's a show of character there and it becomes your responsibility to do right by yourself.
I'm sure I could have worded that better but in a long nutshell, there it is.
good luck lady and again, sorry your dealing with this.