tricky college dating scenario

[LuckyCharms95]

Hi, this is long, so be prepared. I'm madly in love with this girl that I almost dated, Kate, we've been great friends since August. We attend the same college. She is a freshmen and I'm a sophomore. We met through a mutual friend that we've both known for years, Molly. We have the same circle of friends that we hang out with and we've gone to concerts and road trips with these friends over the course of the last several months. It didn't take long for me and Kate to connect on many personal levels we both are very passionate about music, same sense of humor, similar hobbies, etc. In fact a few months back she told me that she had never met someone so similar to herself before. After being friends for about 2 months Molly had accidentally told Kate that I liked her, Kate approached me and said that she just wanted to be friends. Initially I was upset and a bit hurt, but with the passage of a few days I accepted it and things went back to normal. But slowly me and Kate grew closer and closer, and it confused me a bit because she began to say things that seemed to show interest like "I love your sarcasm it makes my day", "never change", "I like sharing my favorite things with you". I knew something was up so I confronted her about it, she admitted that she always missed me when I wasn't around and was beginning to develop feelings for me. We were only "talking" for a few weeks and one night when we were watching a romantic film she felt sick and left directly after it was over, she proceeded to text me saying that we weren't going to work and that she just wants to be friends. We talked it out in person a few days later and she said that "we had to try or we would never know if we were right for each other" but that she just didn't feel the same way, and that she was trying so hard. Her head and heart were telling her different things, she knows I would treat her right but she claims that she only dates to marry and didn't see our future. She used alot of cliches, like "don't dwell on it and try to move on", "you're going to make someone so happy someday", etc. I told her that I would have moved to New York with her after college so she could pursue her journalism dream, and she told me that nobody had ever cared about her that much before. I'm currently taking some time away from talking to her, but I know I love her, shes been through a severe heartache only a year and half ago. Her ex boyfriend left her to run off and get engaged to one of her best friends, around this time her mother passed away as well. She admitted that shes still picking up the pieces and that her life is a bit of a wreck. I don't want to just walk out of her life entirely, and I've dated before and left ex's in the past because they did me wrong. Something about her just feels different. I also don't want to upset the balance of our friend group because me and Kate have always been the core of the group. What should I do? Should I tell her that I love her? I feel that since we've only been close for 4 months that maybe it was too soon to try and date and that maybe down the road she would take another try with me, but I don't want to be falsely optimistic.

[tayhei]

I wouldn't push it. Leave it alone for now. She's not ready for a relationship and you should respect that. Continuing to profess how much you like her will only push her away, and it's not fair of you to push your feelings on her when she clearly told you she doesn't want to be with you. If she does down the road, let her take the initiative to be the one to ask you out because you've already stated your feelings. She knows you like her, now she has to sort her priorities out. Try not to get your hopes up by anything she says because unless if it's "let's date" then you're only going to experience heartache.

[LuckyCharms95]

Yeah, my biggest concern is honestly maintaining the friendship, we never dated. We just planned on it and we were talking as more than friends for a few weeks before she realized that it wasn't meant to be. I don't want to throw away a friendship over a few short weeks.

[tayhei]

To be frank, I think it will be hard maintaining the relationship for you, unless you can somehow put these feelings behind you. I would try to do just that. It looks like she has work to do before she's ready for a relationship. I would advise to try to see her less, but sounds like that might be difficult because of your social group. I wish you luck.

[LuckyCharms95]

Well, I managed to stay friends with her when she initially told me she just wanted to be friends. But she admitted that the issue initially was that she was afraid to date a close friend again, like when she dated her ex who she was best friends with. As much as I would like to date her, I don't think shes in any position to date anyone. And since we never actually dated there isn't as much for me to get over.

[milk&honey]

Just take it slow. You'll be with her in the end

[tayhei]

Well, I managed to stay friends with her when she initially told me she just wanted to be friends. But she admitted that the issue initially was that she was afraid to date a close friend again, like when she dated her ex who she was best friends with. As much as I would like to date her, I don't think shes in any position to date anyone. And since we never actually dated there isn't as much for me to get over.

To be honest, it sounds like an excuse on her part. If she really wanted to date you, she would make it work. As of now, she sounds very reluctant to date. Try not to wait around for her. Meet other women. Maybe she'll come around, maybe not. Just move on is the best you can do and don't guilt trip her.

[LuckyCharms95]

It was possibly an excuse on her part, and I will just move on and I wont guilt trip her. I know that I mean A LOT to her, and we have been through a good deal as friends. This break from college and from her is helping me get my head straight a bit.

[tayhei]

I am glad you feel a little relieved. I said that before because I know guys who try to guilt women into a relationship if they are friends. It never works, both ways. Not saying that you will. Happy holidays

[LuckyCharms95]

The thing I've been dwelling on the most over break is that one of the last things she said to me was that nobody has cared about her as much as me. She doesn't just say things she does not mean. And shes a very blunt person, but I guess I ought to just back off and let it all play out.