I'm Going To Go Insane!! Mother In-Law...HELP

[in.love.]

This post is admittedly kind of long, but I'm begging someone--anyone--to read it and help me figure out what to do. I am seriously feeling like this woman is going to drive me and my boyfriend apart. I love him dearly, and I desperately don't want that to happen. I've known my boyfriend for over 20 years, and we've been romantic together for about 2 years, and dating for 9 months. By "romantic", I mean talking over the phone--he was deployed overseas. Anyways, he has a daughter who is 8 years old. I have a daughter who is 7 years old. The girls get along very well, and each have their own room, their own possessions, etc. Everything is as fair as we can possibly make it, and the girls are happy.

It's my Mother In-Law (I'm calling her that even though we're not married) who I can't handle. This woman is overbearing and is one of those know-it-all types who think that she knows the answer to everything, and "your" opinion is always wrong--unless it's what she thinks...then it's right. She interrupts, she's rude, she's crass, and she's a trash-talker from Hell; bashing people constantly behind their backs.

Anyways, as all kids do, my boyfriend's daughter has started to try and test her boundaries by lying and seeing what she can get away with. Fine--all kids push their boundaries, and I'm handling it by having very frequent contact with her teacher, having all homework and assignments signed by both me and her teacher, etc. because most of her lies were based around not doing homework.

Boyfriend's mom has been talking trash, and it came apparent to me by the way she suddenly started criticizing literally EVERYTHING I do or say. It got to a point that I even mentioned it to my boyfriend, asking what the deal was. He didn't know. It turned out, his daughter had gone to my MIL and accused my daughter of "stealing" a stuffed animal bear (which honestly, she gave to my daughter months ago but then suddenly wanted it back). My MIL went to my boyfriend with this accusation, and believed his daughter even though she's been lying like crazy lately, trying to get pity from people.

I brought it up to my MIL, and she blew up on me completely. She said the rudest things ever, and one of the meanest things she said was saying I don't raise his daughter. This is crap because her real mother is out of the picture and barely visits her. My boyfriend works long hours at his job, and therefore, I'm the one who is with his daughter all of the time. I cook her meals, take her and a neighborhood kid to school, I keep up on her grades, contact her teachers, coordinate counseling for her, coordinate visits with her mom's side of the family, help her with homework, baths, brushing teeth, dinner, tucking into bed, reading stories, etc. I do this every single day, and I love her, so I don't mind at all. But I'm with her 24/7 and essentially raising her. I teach her lessons about issues in life, teach her about lying, teach her tons of other stuff. That's raising a child, is it not??

Anyways, my MIL took care of my boyfriend's daughter for about 6 months while he was deployed overseas last year, and so she sat on the phone in a snide voice, saying, "Me and Dave never had those problems when she was living with US..." as if it were my fault that his daughter is suddenly acting like a friggin' kid and testing boundaries. She believes everything that comes out of his daughter's mouth, and instead of coming to ME with any issues, she runs to my boyfriend and talks shit to him about me.

On Christmas Eve it became so bad that I ended up bawling my eyes out over everything she had said, and my boyfriend called her to see what her problem was. On the phone, she was saying everything she could to make him want to break up with me, like stating her opinions about me, talking trash, etc. It made me so, so mad because I've dedicated myself to him and his daughter, (and of course, my own daughter), I treat him very well, I take care of the entire house, the kids, and everything else. I'm usually always in a great mood and smiling and laughing, and it's honestly like she feels jealous of me or something, having her son's attention.

She almost tries to live vicariously through his accomplishments since she can't accomplish things of her own...like the bad attitude getting her fired from every job she's had. She and I worked for the same company, where she was an accountant...she got fired about three months into it, while I remain employed by them. Again, she was fired for her bad attitude. That didn't help matters, as she felt threatened by me not getting fired like she did.

This woman is destroying me inside and out. She'll say horrible things to me, and then when it hurts my feelings or I tell her it offends me, she just says, "Oh, god...everything offends you". At Christmas, when she was supposed to apologize to me for what she'd said the night before, instead, in front of everyone there, she bent over to me, looked me in the eye, pointed her finger in my face and said sternly, "You need to stop taking things so seriously!" and my boyfriend even looked at me and nodded, like he agreed with her. I think he did that just because he felt awkward and didn't know what else to do, but I just stared at him like "Get this woman the EFF away from me--NOW."

I don't know what to do with her, and I seriously feel like she's going to drive a wedge between me and my boyfriend and eventually break us up, which is obviously what she wants. I've tried to talk to her, but she's impossible to get through to--she keeps just interrupting me, trying to talk louder than me so I have to listen, saying, "No. No. Listen--listen to me" and just keeps saying that until you listen to her, at which point, she just says more mean things.

HELP!!!! I don't know what to do. I obviously don't want my boyfriend to kick her out of our lives, but I can't have her around anymore, either. It's too hurtful. It's an every-single-day thing anymore, and it's got me just stressed to the max and feeling like complete crap about myself.

[vashti]

I don't think you should be acting like this kid's mother when you aren't. Step-parenting is 1000x harder than parenting your own kid, and it's a thankless job, particularly when you aren't getting the family support you need, and you aren't even married! For how long do you plan to audition for this crappy role?

I am guessing that your boyfriend thinks his mother's point of view about you being overly-sensitive has at least a LITTLE bit of validity.

Why don't you live on your own, and focus on your own kid? All this negative attention being sucked from you surely can't be in her best interests.