My BF is sending sex emails to another woman

[Lea1morley2012]

Approx two years ago I found some emails on my boyfriends Facebook account, sex emails with a random women who lived in another country. He was asking her what she would do if they met up etc, I called him that day and accused him Of cheating on me. He basically said I was going over the top and actually fell out with me for over reacting. We moved on from that and got on with our lives until today....'i saw on Facebook that they are friends again!!! I was so mad and so upset and he basically lied to me telling me he can't ever remember any sex emails and that he didn't even realise he'd added her.'i got really angry and now he is basically refusing to talk to me for how I've gone off. He won't tell me the truth about this women. They don't know each other, they've never met and they live in different countries. Surely he's added her on Facebook just to continue doing what he was doing before??? Advice most welcome.

[kp15]

So you saw they are friends on facebook again but didn't see messages right? Sounds like you need to leave him not because of what you are accusing him of doing but because you can't trust him.

[smackie9]

True dat. How could you ever trust him? If he was truly appologetic and made things right the first time then I could see he is taking the repercussions for his foolishness, possibly learning from it. But he has down played it twice, and twists it around like you are the bad person here and he isn't to blame. That's manipulation, and he is just abusing your relationship. Time to get out.

[michelle23]

Hes gaslighting you. A manipulative tactic to make you feel like you are the guilty one when he knows well its him who is in the wrong. Only a complete asshole would do that. Dump him. I don't understand why you didn't leave 2years ago.

[Wakeup]

He's "deflecting" blame from himself onto her... He's not gaslighting.

Anyway: OP: Are you going to stick around for the third strike or are two foul balls enough for you to take back your self-respect and say sionara to this rookie?

[TheEvilJester]

....Let me be sure I have this straight. You were together at the time two years ago when he was sending sex messages to some other woman..... and somehow he manages to make you out to seem like the "bad guy" because of the way you reacted? Hell, if you hauled off and kicked him full force in the groin, I think I'd still have sided with you and said he deserved it. To each his/her own, and hindsight is always 20/20, but I've gotta say that I can't see how or why you even bothered to continue the relationship with him after that.

How long had you two been together at that time? (The time two years ago when you caught him sex e-mailing some woman.) Were you officially a couple? Officially exclusive?

Either way, there is ABSOLUTELY no excuse for him to be friends with this woman again. And "I didn't realize I added her" is absolute BS. You don't just trip, fall, and accidentally add a friend on Social Media. (Although, that IS how I got added to that Justin Bieber fan club on Facebook, I SWEAR! :-P) (Author's note: Kidding, of course. I would not be caught dead in a Justin Bieber fan club, accidentally or otherwise.)

Short of chopping off his (probably extremely) little friend, I don't think I'd say almost any way you could have reacted would have been over-reacting. He deserved it, and obviously you deserve better than a pig like this loser. Good luck. I hope you find a real man, and not a giant child playing dress-up in men's clothing.

[Wakeup]

Oh don't deny it, Jester. You're a belieber. lolzzz

[michelle23]

He's "deflecting" blame from himself onto her... He's not gaslighting.

Anyway: OP: Are you going to stick around for the third strike or are two foul balls enough for you to take back your self-respect and say sionara to this rookie?

Deflecting is a form of gaslighting as far as i know when you present clear evidence of wrong doing and they call you crazy. I read that somewhere when i looked it up

[smackie9]

Gaslighting is the practice of systematically convincing an individual that their understanding of reality is mistaken or false.

He's just deflecting, to cause a diversion to simply shut her down. He's acting like a child. I'm sure he's been doing this since he was a child to get out of trouble with his parents, teacher, etc.

[Wakeup]

Here's a link that will (hopefully) finally help "mishie" to understand that gaslighting has much more to do then simple deflecting.

[url]https://aloftyexistence.wordpress.com/2013/04/10/gaslighting-tools-manipulator/[/url]

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A simple example:

*Lights flicker*

Her: Wow, the lights just flickered.
Him: No they didn't

Or

*On Tuesday he says that he went to the bank*

on Thursday he says: I'm going to the bank
Her: But you just went on Tuesday.
Him: No I didn't.
Her: But you said you did.
Him: No I didn't, you must be thinking of when I went a few weeks ago.

Which, if she's not on top of things will make her think she's gone bonkers thinking "Jezus, I could have sworn it was this week he said he went?"

If the Op's bf was gaslighting her, he would have completely denied even doing it and made her to feel that she didn't even read or see what she saw... (the facebook befriending) (likely doing this after he deleted everything).

[TheEvilJester]

Oh don't deny it, Jester. You're a belieber. lolzzz

Nuh uh! I swear, I totally don't have a life-sized Bieber pillow that cuddles with me every night. I so wouldn't even know if such a thing exists.

[Wakeup]

^^^ lol ^^^

[woody]

I think you got allot of wise words here but may I say, I believe sites like 'fb' probably kill more relationships than people do... Makes me wonder why some people put so much into it. Odd indeed. anyway O.p, hope it all works out for you.