Advice please! First love failed? At age 25

[bobdole1]

Hey there,

So this year I decided to make dating a priority for me. I created an OkCupid account, and 3-4 months of casually dating different girls, I started messaging a girl who lives in Vancouver (I live in Seattle). We messaged, then we started texting, then we started Skyping every night. Eventually I took the plunge and went to Vancouver to meet her in person.

That first visit went really well. We both clearly liked each other a lot. The Skyping continued after I went back home and she came to visit me the following weekend. It was that weekend that we decided to date exclusively, "girlfriend/boyfriend".

Our visits continued in this fashion for the next 8-9 weeks. We would text each other a lot, Skype at least a couple times a week, and spend 2-3 days visiting each other at the weekends. About halfway in, we said "I love you" to each other. I'd never felt this kind of connection with anyone else before. I thought everything was going great.

Our last visit as a couple was over Thanksgiving - we drove down to Portland and stayed in a hotel. In retrospect, there were signs that she was becoming distant during this weekend. Less affection, less excitement about us being together in general. Everything overall still went really well during this trip though, so I either didn't really notice or didn't think to make an issue of it.

It was when I got back that I really started to notice that she was being distant and unresponsive to my texts. A few days later I asked her about the upcoming weekend when she was supposed to be coming to Seattle. That spurred her to send a long text about how she was unsure of how much longer she could stay in the relationship, by continuing to block out entire 2/3/4 days at a time in order to see me.

My reaction was to send her a list of solutions and ways in which we could still see each other each week, without inhibiting each others' social lives, time for relaxation, hobbies, etc. I even suggested that I would visit her more often than she visited me, given that her schedule is in general, much more demanding than mine. This didn't seem unfair to me, if she was otherwise fully committed to the relationship. Her reaction was cynical and couldn't come to a conclusion.

It took her about a week to decide to break up, citing that she couldn't put into the relationship what it deserved, and it was what was best for her.

The next day I responded: If she was 100% sure that we should break up, then so be it. But if she doubted her decision at all, we could try just casually meeting up with one another and going on dates. To me, this seemed logical, as I thought we were breaking up purely due to the complications of distance (which I believed could be overcome), rather than due to a lack of emotional connection. She agreed to go out for a date on that Saturday.

I went to Vancouver and we went out. Despite the weirdness of us seeing each other for the first time since the mess of the break up, we actually had a really fun time, leading me to think that we both really did still like each other. We went for dinner, played mini golf, and had a drink. We hugged, and I drove back home that night.

I was going to be in Vancouver the following Wednesday in order to fly home for Christmas the next day. I asked her if she wanted to go for dinner that night. She said yes, and we ended up getting drinks as well. Again, we had a good time. At the end of the night, I asked her if she wanted to see me again. She said she did, but wanted to wait for the craziness of her life to settle down first, after she got back from visiting her parents at Christmas, and after things at her work settle down. Before getting out of her car, we kissed. I remember thinking; "it's hopeless". I was hopelessly in love with this girl.

So I went to home the next day. A few days later I suggested that we spend New Year's together. She said she was going to a friend's house but maybe I could come and she would talk to her about it. I tried to keep up text communication over the next few days, but she was lacking in responsiveness. Last Monday I just sent her a text saying "let me know what your friend says about NYE". She didn't respond. That's the last I've heard from her in the last week. She's only just gotten back in town after visiting her parents.

I've been spending the last few weeks doing a lot of soul searching, introspective thought, and personal development. While our relationship was short, I still really feel in love with this girl. Today I've been attempting to re-analyze the situation now that I have a little distance from the break up, and my emotions have calmed slightly.

My thoughts as to why we broke up (a lot of this is pure speculation and conjecture on my part, as she is not the most forthcoming when it comes to communication):

- She's a very deliberate, autonomous, independent person. She's lived alone and owned property since 18, has a salary job, her own car, etc at age 23. She hasn't been in a relationship in years (either have I). I think that being with me may have threatened her independence. She may have had reservations about letting herself be emotionally attached to someone else.

- Exhaustion and stress from a lack of free time. Her life was hampered by the our relationship occupying all her free time. Unable to pursue social relationships, relax, have hobbies, do chores, etc. Her job is also intensely demanding of her time.

- The over planning of our relationship. We would frequently book our trips weeks in advance. This made things more rigid and less spontaneous.

- The distance - we were physically apart from each other for most of the week. There is a solid 2 1/2 hour drive between our houses (no traffic).

- I was emotionally reliant on her. She made me so happy that I neglected my social life, my hobbies, school. This is an intense amount of pressure to put on another person. As a result, I often became needy and requested more of her attention than necessary.

- When she began being distant on that last trip, I responded by being more demanding of her attention and affection. I became more needy emotionally (without realizing it), making the problem worse.

- The excitement of the initial dating period began to wear off, and the realities of a long(ish) distance relationship began to set in for her.

I think a lot of these things may have acted together in synchronicity. Her response was to cut off emotionally to protect herself. My solutions I initially presented to her solved problems of practicality but not of the emotional distance which had formed between us. My willingness to visit her more often may have exacerbated the issue of my neediness.

So that's where I'm at. I'm under no illusions; this relationship is likely completely over at this stage. If that's the case I would at least like to understand what went wrong in order to not repeat my faults in the future. But if there is any recourse in us getting back together, I would like to explore those options.

Like I said, I love her. I really feel like she still at least likes me too. The distance makes things much more complicated but I feel like that can be remedied easily by altering the manner in which we were visiting each other.

So, I'm sorry this was a long post. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[racemanxx]

I think she may have someone else in her life that is more local. Answer my post?

[smackie9]

This is easy, you both live in different countries, and the insecurity between you snuffed out the fire of your relationship, making things go tainted, sour, and unsettling. It takes a lot to keep the passion burning with these LDRs. The challenges get in the way, and things start to slide down a slippery slope. Date locally.......go to Ozzie's and have a drink, sing some karaoke, play some pool, dance to two turntables and a microphone.