I was strong, but guilt made me so weak...

[banana1119]

Hello, recently I have been devastated over my ex whom I broke up with over a text (although it was 24 texts long, it was still a text) a little over 2 years ago. We dated for almost 2 years, and I have never been so attached to someone in my life. My parents are very overprotective and religious, and he a very romantic and affectionate person. He simply wanted affection and to have it returned to him, but my parents would seriously punish me each time I did and it made my life very difficult. I had to make him out to be the bad guy to slightly lessen my punishment and my life was miserable by my parents hand. When I denied him affection for my own sake, he felt so slighted and would refuse to even talk to me. All I wanted was him and I felt like I wasn't giving him what he deserved. For this reason, I broke up with him. He tried to contact me after I sent the text on and off for 6 months and not once did I grace him with a reply; it was too hard. I told myself I didn't care about him and that my life would be so much better without him. As a freshman at a different high school than him, I could surely find someone better. But I was so wrong

A little over 2 years has passed. I'd think about him occasionally and then move my mind elsewhere. But my good friend has recently entered a relationship where the love shared seems so much like what we had. He is a close replica of him and it is haunting. Watching the two of them together, and especially the way he looks at and holds her, has broken me. I felt empowered and over him for so long but now I see what I've lost and I cannot beat the fact I let him slip through my fingers. I can't believe I severed the cord of love we shared. I weep every night and regret ending the relationship. I can't even enjoy music anymore; I only want to listen to songs that remind me of him. And bands he's liked. Songs he'd sent me. Songs that sound like what I'm going through. I clutch letters and stuffed animals he gave me and reread old conversations. I stalk all girls on his Facebook who seem suspicious of a relationship to me.

But, about a month ago, I contacted him for the first time in 2 years of not seeing or hearing him with a long apology letter. I told him I was wrong about everything and my pride was completely gone. I apologized, asked for forgiveness, and asked if he could ever find a way to be my friend again (he was undoubtedly the best friend I've ever had as well. I don't have a best friend anymore and haven't since he's been out of my life.) he replied with "alright. Let's get together soon and talk." I was overjoyed that he would even want to see me. A very casual and short conversation ensued and we decided upon meeting at Starbucks the next week. He got busy with college applications (he's also incredibly smart; he could get a full ride academic for Harvard if he so desired) and I said I understood. He then went to his hometown in New York for Christmas break. He even causally texted me during that time just to talk (oh and he and I shared a phone call before he left; we both were so glad to hear each other's voices and talked until we had to go- about an hour.)

Now, here we, a month after I apologized. I sent him a text yesterday asking him if he was back in town and he said he was. I asked him what time would work, and we went over various days. He spoke of going to a concert Thursday with a girl (words cannot describe my jealousy; it's our favorite band and although he said its just because thy both enjoy the music, it bothers me.) and he had track workouts (which the girl is a part of) Friday. So Sunday is when we've decided to meet. Starbucks. 3 pm. I am so nervous. I want to ask him his relationship history since we've been apart, but I don't feel I have a right to. I want him back so badly. I can't stop crying. I need some advice on what to say, what to do. I have come to the conclusion that I will always have love for him in my heart. I want him to be happy. But I don't want to be without him any longer. I hope he still has some feelings too. I hope and I pray. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks a ton for listening to my rant.

- Anna

[lissa]

I think you should just take a deep breath and let what happens happen. If you try to control it, you will be very nervous and won't be able to be yourself around him. I think you should go into it just hoping to be his friend for now.

I'm glad you wrote him an apology and hopefully it helped you get that guilt off of your back. But just because he accepted your apology doesn't mean he wants to get back together. And going to a concert with a girl does sound like a date, I'm sorry to say. Also, sometimes you think you are really really into someone, but as soon as you really get a chance to talk, you realize you both are in different places and aren't a good match. That may or may not happen, but it is a possibility. You may realize you actually don't actually like him anymore.

So I guess the main point is that you should go into the meeting with an open mind and not worry too much about getting back together with him right then and there. Don't ask him about his relationship history - just be honest with him about your apology, and tell him you made a mistake back then and you hope he can accept the apology. Say that you'd really like a chance to be his friend and see where things go.