Long story of me getting dumped

[lr1234]

So I was with this girl for over three years. We lived together for two and a half. I’m 25, she’s 23. We talked pretty seriously about marriage about one year into the relationship. I gave her a promise ring around the one year mark. I can honestly say that our relationship seemed better than any relationship I’ve been in and healthier than any of our friends’. We very rarely fought, in fact we never did. A couple small arguments about stupid things, but we’d always get over it rather fast. We spent pretty much every waking moment together that we possibly could. I had no question that she loved me as much as I loved her.

Anyway, we graduated from college in 2004. I immediately found a job in my field, a career-type job. She wasn’t so lucky. She had to settle for a job in retail. She pretty much hated her job so about five months ago I told her to quit if she wanted and I’d pick up all the bills. I told her that she should find something she likes even if it doesn’t pay, and not to worry about money. She agreed and quit her job. She decided to take a vaction to visit her parents in Arizona before finding a new job. The day before she left she asked if I could help her make a resume so that her parents could proof read it. So I did. I jokingly said “are you looking for a job in AZ?”. She laughed and said of course not, she wants to really get after it went she gets back home (Colorado). Later on that night I heard her talking to a friend who asked her if she got an engagement ring yet. She seemed kind of bummed when she said “not yet”. I had no clue that it was a really pressing issue because we evidently had poor communication in that department. I later found out from a friend that my girlfriend was upset when I bought a car a few months earlier before buying her a ring. So anyway, I drove her to the airport and started dropping pretty large hints as to what she wanted in a ring, etc. so that I could buy it while she was out of town. She bit, and I had all the info I needed. While she was on vacation we talked every day (for two weeks), sometimes up to two to three hours a day. She definitely missed me. I missed her and it seemed like we were both really excited for her to get home.

So here’s where the story picks up. She got home from Arizona, and the next morning I proposed. She said yes. Everything seemed great. We told all our friends and relatives. Well, three days later I get home from work and she seems really nervous. I asked her what’s wrong, if it has to do with the ring. She said “I love the ring, but I think I’m moving to Phoenix”. I was obviously incredibly confused. I asked when she was moving. She said next week. I tried to get her to tell me what was going on but all she’d say is “someday you’ll understand”. Wouldn’t give me ANY details. I asked if she had a job lined up and she said no. So, I’m completely wrecked because I have no clue what’s going on, so I leave town. I figure I’ll let her figure out what’s going on and maybe she’ll be able to talk. Well, she ended up leaving the next day. She took all the stuff that was of use to her and left me with a house full of leftover junk. I tried calling her, she wouldn’t talk. I got a hold of her friend and found out that she found a really good job while she was on “vacation”. She couldn’t even tell me that. So about two weeks later I leave a message saying “I know you have a job, I’m not mad, can we please talk”. So she finally does call back and we talked a few times. Things seem pretty good so I ask if I move down there can we work it out. She said “yes, it’s possible. If that’s what you think you should do, do it”. So just like that I quit my job, packed up the rest of the house, found a place to live in AZ and gave her a call. She was pissed. I asked if she’d even see me if I moved and she said “I don’t know”. I asked why she said it would work before. “I don’t know”. I asked what happened. “I don’t know”. That was the answer to everything. Eventually she hung up. A couple weeks later she finally answered the phone again and we talked for about a half hour, pleasant conversation as usual. I asked if it’s ok if I come see her the next weekend. She said that’d be ok. So I was quite happy about that and if nothing else I was going to maybe get closure . So the day before I was set to leave I check my email and she wrote saying “I’m not ready to see you yet”. About a month later I left a message saying I’m going to be in Phoenix next weekend and I hope she can meet me for an hour or so. I check my email and she wrote “I’ve moved on. You need to move on. I have a boyfriend. Don’t contact me.” So that’s the last I’ve heard from her. I know for a fact that this guy wasn’t around while we were together. I’m still incredibly hurt that after 3 years she didn’t have the decency to tell me why she gave up on our relationship, apologize for lying, or even wish me luck. I love this girl more than anything in the world and don’t know how to handle this. Everyone says it gets better every day, but it seems like I’m stuck in a hole.

I know I need to move on (it's been four months since I've seen her) and I’m being a pussy about this, but I just can’t imagine what happened. Obviously her feelings changed, but why couldn’t she even tell me that? The last time I saw her (the day before she left) she still had her engagement ring on, was kissing me, crying, saying she loved me and that we’d talk when she wasn’t so emotional. That talk never came and I don’t know how to move on without knowing what happened. So yeah, that’s the story in a nutshell. I don’t expect pity. I know I need to move on and that’s about all I can do, but it might help to tell a bunch of random people on the internet

[misombra]

oh geez i am sorry to hear all that. not giving you a reason and not being straight with you from the beginning is seriously ****ed up. but you can and will move on with some time.

[TAVS]

Dude that sucks. If it makes you feel any better, that is soooo much like the situation I'm in. My gal left me 4 months after she got out of college. Now, 4 months, later, she's fed up with her retail jobs, went back for a visit home, and now she's moving back there. Wow. I can't believe you up and moved just to get the shaft. I'm considering a move myself, but I won't be planning to sell the house just in case. I can always rent it. Dude, I'm sorry. Man, even the marriage thing is the same story!! Girls suck. I get the same "I don't know" crap as well. ARGH!!!! Post away friend, we're here for you.

[lr1234]

Dude that sucks. If it makes you feel any better, that is soooo much like the situation I'm in. My gal left me 4 months after she got out of college. Now, 4 months, later, she's fed up with her retail jobs, went back for a visit home, and now she's moving back there. Wow. I can't believe you up and moved just to get the shaft. I'm considering a move myself, but I won't be planning to sell the house just in case. I can always rent it. Dude, I'm sorry. Man, even the marriage thing is the same story!! Girls suck. I get the same "I don't know" crap as well. ARGH!!!! Post away friend, we're here for you.

Wow, that is painfully close to my story. I don't understand anything that happened. I was always there to pick her up. I was always doing everything I could for her, even offering to send her to grad school and take a second job. And then she gets a good opportunity and it's almost like she thinks she's too good for me now. She's on her way to having a great career, living in an exciting city, close to family, etc. I love her w/all my heart but it irritates me that this was so easy for her. Everything was basically handed to her (i'm 99% sure that her dad set up the job for her) and I lost a lot (my job, money for a meaningless ring, my best friend). You know the new foo fighters song that's something to the effect of someone's getting the best of you. That's exactly how I feel. For some reason I think that she's probably thinking that she's a better person now, and someone else gets to experience that.

[TAVS]

Holy smokes. We're dating the same broad. I supported my girl through rough college times and then I was saving every penny I could to send her to grad school. She didn't drive so I picked her up from work at night etc. She had all these wedding planning books etc and in the blink of an eye everything went up in smoke. We were together for over 4 yrs and everything was going so good.

On the bright side, I'm getting some support from a couple hotties at work who want to help me get back out there.

[Ellynn]

Wow sorry to hear that all happened. That really sucks!

You said the both of you hardly ever argued. To me it sounds like she had alot of feelings that she kept inside over the course of time. You probably didn't even realize she was unhappy. She didn't know how to break it to you and like some women.....was excited and in love with the idea of getting married.....more then in love with you.. Also I think that the more she thought about the big picture ....the more afraid she got....so she ran off....and moved on.

It is really crappy how she handled things....but in the long run I think YOU WILL thank her. I think things happen for a reason and its better to have her go and do what makes her happy then to have her married to you, miserable, and hating you in 10 yrs. It was really cool that you supported her after she quit her retail job, but I can tell you....she did not sound happy about waiting to start her career while you did and had it all going for you.... I mean you can kinda understand that right?

I'm not sticking up for her at all.....what she did was downright disrespectful after all the two of you had been thru......but in the long run it sounds like a good thing.

Argueing all the time is not good....but you NEED to argue or disagree in a healthy relationship, otherwise you never really know how THEY feel about things. If they constantly agree with you.....wouldn't that be kinda strange? Considering everyone is different? Sounds to me like she didn't know how to disagree with you....so she ran.

[Tone]

I know I need to move on (it's been four months since I've seen her) and I’m being a pussy about this, but I just can’t imagine what happened.

Dude, not at all... some people come on here saying "omg my g/f of 3 weeks just left me for Bobby.. I don't get it... I will never love again.. my life is over HELP ME PLEASE RESPOND DO YOU THINK WE'LL GET BACK TOGETHER!?"

What you went through was some real shit... Sounds like you guys just had a huge communication problem.. I mean if she couldn't even tell you she was upset about buying a car instead of a ring and you had to hear from a friend... what OTHER things did she keep to herself and not tell you, ya know?

Your situation sucks. Bad. I know it will be incredibly tough having all these questions to which you may never get answers to... but like you said - you have to just move on. If it's any consolation, you sound like a great, stand-up guy, and I'm sure you will have no problem meeting someone who can appreciate everything you have to offer. I guarantee you she will one day realize what she had and missed out on, and will regret her decision. DON'T see that as "Oh she will come back to me" - move on

[TAVS]

Yea, you can't wait around for them to realize a mistake. Just because you think it's a mistake, doesn't mean it isn't. Even if it is a true mistake, they might be too blind to see it. So try and move on.

[gHEXjt]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation man. I know it sucks since the same thing happened to me about 2 months ago. We're still in college, but she was working about 2 1/2 hours away from home during the summer and I only saw her on the weekend. My birthday was on a Monday, everything was great, we were planning on taking a trip the next weekend, I talked to her everyday numerous times during the week and everything was normal. Then on Friday she comes to my house about 3 hours after she was supposed to arrive for us to go out. I called and called and got no answer. She finally walks in, drops the bomb, and then says that she loves me and that she doesn't want the break-up to be forever.

It took me a month before I even got her on the phone. She wouldn't talk to me, nothing. She just threw away a 4 year relationship, and we had been best friends before that as well. I still don't really no what happened. She acted like she just needed time, and when I finally talked to her, that is what she said. To give her a few months. Then about a week later she talked to my mom and told her she would never get back together with me. Or that maybe she'd consider it in a few YEARS! So I sent her an email to stop beating around the bush with me, that I didn't deserve the way she treated me and how she wouldn't tell me what happened, and that its ridiculous that she says she'll consider it in a few years. I still haven't gotten anything out of her, and have really lost all hope. Funny thing is that just like you, I still don't feel like I'm over it at all. I did everything for this girl, and she just up and dumps me. My underlying suspicion was that she cheated on me, but she would never admit to that.

Bottom line, me, you, TAVS, we're all ****ed. We're not going to find out why and just need to learn to deal with it. I told her dad, who's on my side, that I've reached the point where I hope to find someone better than her, have her come crawling back which I think is very likely, and then tell her to get ****ed. Thinking that has actually made me feel a little better about the whole situation. Just try to stay busy. It will really help. Work a lot, go out and get shit-faced, whatever it takes. But what goes around comes around, and when the same thing happens to her, you'll get some sort of redemption. Or at least that's how I feel about my situation. Good Luck

[lr1234]

It was really cool that you supported her after she quit her retail job, but I can tell you....she did not sound happy about waiting to start her career while you did and had it all going for you.... I mean you can kinda understand that right?

Yes, I completely understand that. I knew she kinda felt bad about how her "career life" was going. When we graduated from college she told me that she'd wait until I got my career going before she really concentrated on hers. That was 100% her idea, I would have gone where ever she wanted or needed to go for a job. Anyway, I worked my job for about a year. It sucked and I was going to quit and possibly move to AZ or where ever she wanted to go. Well, right before I was going to quit I got offered a huge promotion managing a project that'd last a year. I asked her what she wanted to do and she said we can stay for another year so that I can get the experience, and once we moved out of state I would have no problem getting a really good job. It was a big sacrifice, no doubt, and she did know how much I appreciated it and did not expect it. So yeah, I do understand how that must have felt. (I'm now in the position she was in, can't find a job myself). And I know she had reasons to leave, but the fact that she wouldn't even tell me is what hurts.

[TAVS]

The last girl who dumped me came crawling back a couple months down the road. I was with my latest-Ex at the time so I told her, Sorry, you're going to have to get in line.

I'm 75% sure my current Ex is going to regret her decision within the next 6-months. Where she's going, I don't see a lot happening for her. But I sure as hell plan to be with someone new when that time comes. I haven't made a habit of downtime betwen girlfriends. Hopefully my luck will continue

[lr1234]

Argueing all the time is not good....but you NEED to argue or disagree in a healthy relationship, otherwise you never really know how THEY feel about things. If they constantly agree with you.....wouldn't that be kinda strange? Considering everyone is different? Sounds to me like she didn't know how to disagree with you....so she ran.

Yep, that was definately a problem throughout the 3 years. She would not make a decision. She would never say what she wanted to do, eat, etc. So I'd always be guessing. I even broke down crying once about a year into it and said that she needs to start telling me what she thinks or wants to do. She said "she's afraid that I wouldn't agree with her". Things got a little better after that (or so I thought), but evidently she was telling me everything that was on her mind. And I knew that that wasn't healthy while we were in the relationship. But I loved her and didn't really mind being "on my toes" to make her happy. I reccomended that we both go to couple's counseling and she laughed, like she had no problems.

[lr1234]

The last girl who dumped me came crawling back a couple months down the road. I was with my latest-Ex at the time so I told her, Sorry, you're going to have to get in line.

I'm 75% sure my current Ex is going to regret her decision within the next 6-months. Where she's going, I don't see a lot happening for her. But I sure as hell plan to be with someone new when that time comes. I haven't made a habit of downtime betwen girlfriends. Hopefully my luck will continue

Man, I wish I had that kind of feeling about ex regreting her decision, but it's probably best I don't even have hope for that. I know that there's probably not that many guys that will put up with her childish behavior for long, especially 3 years, and she's going to find that out. That probably makes me sound like I was either settling for this girl or too worried about finding someone else, but that was definately not the case.

[TAVS]

Yet another problem I encountered. No arguments and no input. I'm sorry if you dont like confrontation or disagreements but hey that's a part of life gal.

[Ellynn]

Yep, that was definately a problem throughout the 3 years. She would not make a decision. She would never say what she wanted to do, eat, etc. So I'd always be guessing. I even broke down crying once about a year into it and said that she needs to start telling me what she thinks or wants to do. She said "she's afraid that I wouldn't agree with her". Things got a little better after that (or so I thought), but evidently she was telling me everything that was on her mind. And I knew that that wasn't healthy while we were in the relationship. But I loved her and didn't really mind being "on my toes" to make her happy. I reccomended that we both go to couple's counseling and she laughed, like she had no problems.

Yeah that definately was a problem. She couldn't even be herself nor could you be yourself because you were both afraid of disagreeing. I mean maybe you learned to do what you wanted to and even though she was probably thinking in her mind "I would rather do this" she couldn't come out and say it. Thats where it went wrong.....lack of communication. Walking on eggshells is never fun........but having someone always agree with you and never be able to make a decision on their own is not fun either. It really gets old after awhile when one person is always doing the deciding and the other person is silently playing along while unhappy. Sounds like she has some issues......and honestly be glad your not stuck with that.

I mean I know you miss her now....but there are always possibilities with other woman....and eventually you will find one that you will appreciate for speaking her mind.... and she will appreciate you as well.