My boyfriend takes everything personally...even me just sitting minding my bus

[Macaroni]

He's 32. My BF is constantly (well, it feels like) asking me "what's wrong" "is everything okay" "I'm feeling a lot of distance between us, what's going on" "you're acting cold"

And what was I doing at the time? Anything from sitting as a passenger in the car, watching a tv show with him, working (I work from home on my computer several days a week).

He seems to think that if I am quiet or otherwise not engaged with him that something is "wrong" and BELIEVE ME, I have tried to explain to him a million times...maybe I just have resting bitch face...maybe I am zoning out...maybe I don't feel like talking...if something is wrong, I know I can come talk to you so you don't need to ask every $%*&#! 8 minutes.

Aside from just me sitting there, he takes things I say very negatively when nothing negative was intended. Like I'm being critical when I'm not. Let me think of an example. If I say, "I don't feel like watching that movie right now" he will interpret that as I don't want to hang out with him and we are growing apart. And forget any actual criticism...he gets really defensive and pouty and starts saying exaggerated things like, "I'm sorry you feel I'm such a horrible person."

I've lost patience with the endless discussions that turn into arguments. I'm not sure what is wrong with him or how to get him to see that taking everything personally and painting everything I say with a negative brush is really killing this relationship. What is this mental process? Is it just insecurity or something else? Passive aggressive maybe? I feel like if I understood the psychological process at play here, I can better respond to it.

He does not want to go to couples counseling. We tried before, but he did not like the therapist, felt she sided with me, and says it was useless. He did see a therapist on his own for anxiety, but I don't think that's helped at all.

[Wakeup]

Do yourself a favor and get the book "The Five Love Languages." You need to know which one of the five love languages is the one that makes him feel loved. We all learn to feel loved in five specific ways which we are taught from our parents as we grow.

You're not showing him in his language so he's feeling insecure that you are not on the same page as him. When the TWO of you read it and do the questionnaire then you will both know how to show the other how they are loved in the language that is theirs.

The five love languages are:

* Words of Affirmation
* Acts of Service
* Receiving Gifts
* Quality Time
* Physical Touch

Just by going by how you describe he is, I would say his love language(s) would be Quality Time and Words of Affirmation.

[smackie9]

He is a sufferer of OCD/anxiety. The constant need for reassurance, not being convinced, repeating the question over and over even tho you gave him an answer, his anger, his frustration, saying over exaggerated negative things about himself are all symptoms. People who suffer from anxiety are willing to risk anything pretty much at any cost to avoid the very thing that gives them the anxiety. He is willing to risk your relationship to not have to go to couples counseling.....it wouldn't matter if you told him that you are willing to leave if he doesn't go for the sake of your relationship....he will go into a tail spin. IMO it's not you, it's him. If your responses are getting short with him, that is just you responding to his negative behavior.

What to do? well you can start with Wakeups advice and see if that calms things down. If it doesn't do your research and have a talk with him about it. Ask him about his history of this behavior, ask him about how he is feeling when he starts asking you all those silly questions, and his negativity...and help him see his anxiety is what is causing his confusion with his emotions. Maybe you will be able to convince him to go seek some therapy. Keep us updated on your progress, we are he to help in any way we can.

[TablesandChairs]

He's not secure within himself or within the relationship; this can either be just the way he is (could be anxiety as someone else mentioned) or how you come across to him. It's possible that due to your frustrations (which are justified) you're acting colder than usual and this makes the situation worse; it's a cycle.

My advice would be a) reassurance - 'I love you, I want to be with you - when there is something wrong, I will tell you. An opinion or preference (for example, not feeling like watching a movie) is not personal.
b) explain how his over-reaction makes you feel. You might be less inclined to discuss issues because you fear he will over-react and take things to heart. You feel like you can't just be yourself (which at times might involve just zoning out) because he'll take it personally.
c) come up with an action-plan of sorts. Explain that making a genuine effort in therapy (couples or individual) is very important to you. And clearly, if you didn't care about the relationship, you wouldn't bother so it shows that you want to work towards making things as good as they can be.

A good couples therapist doesn't take sides so you might do well to tell him that attending these things is not about 'winning' - the therapist isn't auditioning for his/her best friend. It's about isolating issues and coming to solutions. There might be things BOTH of you could be doing better.