Over 30? Society says get married!

[d0g]

I can't speak for all areas, but in California where I live (Just outside San Francisco), it seems that society has developed a social norm that basically says if you're 30 to 35 years old you should be getting married, having kids and buying a house. I have a large, close knit group of people I hang out with. All of the guys and friends and the girls are friends. It seems that my group has started some sort of competition in a way. I have been to 9 weddings in the last year. Everybody is getting married one after another, and getting pregnant. It seems every week I am hearing about someone pregnant, or engaged or I am getting a wedding invite in the mail. My girlfriend is feeling the peer pressure BIG TIME. She wants to compete with them, and not be left out, or be last. It seems girls these days are in love with the idea of marriage, and will do it once they hit 30. They think that 30 is old, and their clock is ticking, and they need to get married and get on with having kids ASAP. They don't want to miss their window, or grow older and be single, fearing being alone. I personally believe a lot of girls want to get married just so they can have the beautiful dress, the engagement parties, the baby showers, the big wedding, the beautiful dress, the planning, the instagram and facebook photos of their diamond ring, etc etc. They will be the hot topic amongst their family and friends during this period. But then what? What happens when the party is over, and now nobody gives a crap about their marriage anymore, and they're with each other for eternity. Will it last? I think people are getting married for the wrong reasons, and I'm not so convinced everybody is actually madly in love. I believe some are, but I'm also wondering if some are just doing what sociological aspects of society dictate.

You're 30 ---> Serious relationship over 1 year ---> Better get married!

When you're 22, and have a girlfriend you love and date for a year, usually you don't get married. Take that same exact person and relationship, and move it up in time to 30 years of age... I bet you those two get married.

My point is, I think people should say f*ck what everyone else is doing around me, the hell with what the social norms are these days. I am not sealing the deal on my life, and saying "I do," and committing to ONE person for the rest of my life on this planet, unless I am 100% sure that this person is the one and final human being for me. Don't marry because of peer pressure, because her parents or your parents say to, because everyone else is, because you're "getting old." Or you'll be another statistic. I'll get off my soap box, and I'm sure this will piss some people off, but this is my thoughts on this.

[basilandthyme]

I've been living defacto for over 20 years and we have two kids. So clearly, my partner and I don't care about what 'society' says.

Having said that, a girl's fertility doesn't last forever so if having children within wedlock is important, a girl needs to start getting serious about marriage by her early 30's.

You say that you won't marry a girl if you're not 100% sure she's the one. While this stance is admirable, why are you still with a girl who you're not sure is the one? Aren't you just wasting time on both your parts?

[d0g]

Basilandthyme,

Thanks for your reply.

You're right about me wasting time.. I'm figuring the best way to proceed and handle my situation, I don't want to waste anymore time.. I just don't know how to get her out of my house

[TablesandChairs]

It doesn't have anything to do with the area you live - not even the group of friends you have. It's a phenomenon among 30-somethings everywhere. My Facebook is full of wedding photos, engagement photos, pregnancy-belly photos, baby photos (I'm 30).

Reasons are both societal and biological - IVF is becoming common place these days but it's both costly and not ideal. The reason fertility doctors are making big $'s is because many women are leaving it too late (particularly due to career) - most don't have medical reasons as such. We tend to over-estimate our fertility...by 35, fertility declines significantly.

That's not to say we should settle down with someone who we don't think is ideal purely because our biology dictates that we're 'expiring' but truth is, I think many women do just that. A friend of mine was married and divorced within 2 years; she got a baby out of it...and a lot of stress. They invested in a house they couldn't afford because again, the norm seems to be to get a big house and hold big get-togethers and show everyone how settled and comfortable you area (even if that means the banks own your soul).

That said - if you're with a woman that age that you don't see a future with - break it off (as hard it as might be and no matter how stubborn she is). Tell her she's wasting her time and that if she wants marriage + kids, she won't be getting either from you. I think that's the decent way to proceed, baring in mind that as a male, you can reproduce whenever you want to (should that be something you want) whereas she doesn't have the option indefinitely.

[d0g]

Tables,

Great response.. I was trying to articulate much of what you said

These days you can have your eggs counted and see how that biological clock is and how fast it's ticking. My mother had me at 38 no issues.

You can also literally pick out the physical qualities you like, eye color, height etc at a fertility clinic and have artificial insemination-- of course that's looked upon as social deviance and does not fit into the norms, and would need to be explained to friends family and coworkers... Most would rather have the shitty marriage and debt than explain that one.

Btw I literally told my gf exactly what you said about never getting married or having a kid with me. She was upset, she's now in the stage of kissing my ass hoping I'll change my mind I guess. I'm also scared she will go off birth control and get pregnant and attempt marriage out of wedlock, she actually told my mother at Christmas time that her own mom advised her to do this! I'm considering writing a long well written letter to her, and emailing it to her when she's gone overnight or working, and then hire moving company to move her stuff into a storage unit, then change my locks.

She's VERY stubborn and persistent. If I attempt a break up she literally says "no thanks" and smiles and walks away, or will attempt to literally pull down my pants right then and there and give me fellatio or attempt sex to change my mind (and being a guy it temporarily works).

I can't be another one of my friends to bite the dust with the wrong girl, I only get one life.

[TablesandChairs]

She's sounding a bit creepy...and the comment her mother made (about getting pregnant without your consent) is pretty shitty. If you think she's capable of that, start wearing rubbers or potentially face 18 years of child support payments. Most women at around the 30-year mark start looking for someone they see a future with; we tend not to date just for the sake of it any more. That's fair enough...but forcing someone to be with you and refusing to hear what they're saying is a different story.