Doubting myself and my marriage...?

[Blurry28]

Hi, I originally posted this in the female advice forum but think it might be more relevant here.

I have been married for 15 years now and it has been tough at times due to being very different to my partner. She tells me I'm no good as I'm not interesting enough to win friends and says I need to change and read interesting books, and do interesting things so that others will like me and her more. I feel if I be myself people should like me for who I am and not for something I am trying to be. I have changed a lot of things and made a lot of effort to do things she has requested but I don't seem to get anywhere and she regularly puts me down or has a go at me in front of the kids. She tells me I don't think and that I say stupid things and won't let me drive the car any more as she constantly criticises my driving and stresses me out when I'm behind the wheel. I am really struggling and don't know what to do any more. It's not like I have nothing going for me. I have a degree and a job and have supported my family. I help around the house a lot and feel I pull my weight. I am starting to feel down and confused and am questioning myself and my marriage. We have tried counselling but she is always right and never wrong. I feel like I can't be myself and just want to be loved for who I am. It's hard to make the break due to kids being involved but I don;t feel happy or truly loved in this relationship.

Any thoughts and advice would be appreciated.

[roku1]

Wow buddy, I feel for you.

You're between a rock and a hard place but I give you full respect for taking your children into consideration.

There's obviously respect issues going on here and I hate to say it but (assuming the anger is genuinely all one-sided i.e. you're not the aggressor or being purposely antagonistic) you're in an abusive relationship.

The only way to solve this is to get to the route of her issues and try rectify/resolve them. If that's impossible and counselling has failed then there's not many things to suggest other than stick it out for your children or make the move now.

You shouldn't have to change who you are just so your wife feels popular, you should be liked and loved for who you are. Sounds like your wife is massively insecure and taking her shortcomings out on you rather than dealing with them herself. If you can't talk about this then I don't know what else you can do.

I hate to advise leaving a family when children are involved but if you're being truthful, therapy has gotten you nowhere and your OH is so uncompromisingly awful to you then there's not much else you can do. You could agree to separate but try and life together for the sake of your children?

I hope there's someone on here who can offer more/better advice than I but as I said, respect buddy, sounds like you're going through hell for the sake of your children and if you're being honest with us, you're a quality father for doing so. You should be proud of yourself for being a real man.

Good luck mate!

[Blurry28]

Thanks roku1, I appreciate the effort you put into answering my post!

You're not the first person to point out my OH has insecurity issues. She doesn't react well when that is suggested to her. She's not the devil, but like I said she constantly has digs at me for the things I mentioned above and then tells me I don't realise how much she lets me get away with...wow. I have tried to talk about things with her but it's one thing after another that I need to change/improve and I can only take so much. It doesn't help that the group she is friendly with all have certain things in common with her, which only supports her argument, but there are so many different types of people in the world and in my opinion no one is better than the other. It's just a difference of opinion and I believe you should respect people's differences. Obviously she doesn't!

Anyway, thanks again for your comments, they help a lot as I have been feeling isolated and that something is wrong with me. Your suggestions are helpful as well and I will need to think through things. ultimately I would love to meet someone who respects and loves me for me. cheers.

[Wakeup]

Are you lazy? Unmotivated? Have you allowed her to be the boss of the household making all the decisions so that she thinks she's the one that is carrying the union and caretaking you like you were just another one of her kids because you can't or won't do anything on your own from doing your own banking or buying your own underwear?

I ask this because unless she's just a tyrant (which, if she is I ask why you didn't leave her BEFORE you had children when you didn't have them as an excuse to stay) there is a reason why she is always on your back about something. My guess is she is on your back about everything because she's fed up with you just being present and not contributing anything towards a satisfying life based on equality, respect and value.

If you want to be the boss of you, then get out and let her find someone that will take the heat off of her and the verbal tongue lashings off of you. Don't be codependent any longer and don't use the children as an excuse to stay. To listen to her berate you and you allowing it without being with personal boundaries is abuse to THEM. Seek PERSONAL therapy to help you with forming personal boundaries, to gain the ability to say "no, I will not accept your disrespect of me" and the skills to show her that you deserve respect.

I've found that people don't generally bitch at someone unless they feel frustrated and overwhelmed with always being the one that has to look after everything... from being the "mother" or the "father" to who is suppose to be an equal partner. Women generally anticipate that their man is going to be the hunter and the provider and the strong force who protects the brood. I think things have gone so far that she's now no longer the gatherer and has become the hunter/provider.

Any truth to that?

- - - Updated - - -

BTW: If you do nothing with her as a means of having fun with one another then you are sadly mistaken to think that she should be burdened with all the responsibilities of being married and none of the benefits of having a partner to do fun things with that will allow the emotional connection to remain strong. She has none of the benefits of being married or single if you do nothing with her but come home for more of the same nothing. Any truth to that? If there is then doing nothing day in and day out will also cause her to be showing her dis-content by asking/telling you that you need to change because if it is true... then YES... you need to change because even if you get with another woman, she too will start to rag on you for being uninteresting and anti-social.

Personal therapy at least... then you'll know whether to work on you within the marriage or get out because no matter what you change... she's the type that will never be happy and nothing you do will be good enough but until you work on you... you'll never know which one it is.

[Blurry28]

Thanks for your comments Wakeup,

To answer some of your questions, I do all the banking and pay the bills/mortgage. I regularly do shopping, and my share of the housework. I help with the kids as well and take the share of my responsibilities in the marriage. I also work full time and am close to home so I am home early to help out with things. She has only worked part time occasionally and has a lot of time on her hands to get bored and restless, which makes things worse. I also have defended myself on numerous occasions so as to not be walked over, but she never takes any ownership that she is part of the blame.

You may be correct that she feels I am not helping to make things a satisfying life, but I have tried to change things and have made a lot more effort socially with the families we are friends with and we are doing more socially now and I have gone camping which I hate for her and the kids. I have quit following a certain sport which was part of the issue, yet much of these efforts seem to go unnoticed. I feel she wants me to be a different person completely and she doesn't like who I am.

I am seeing a counsellor to help and will continue to work on things. I believe I am interesting for who I am and the things I like, as there is a lot to me. However, she wants me to be interested in things I don;t naturally take too. I hope this gives more information. thanks

[Wakeup]

Thanks for the further details, Blurry... seems your wife is simply a shrew.

Keep going to therapy because with the help of your counselor, you'll come to understand what it is you have to do to become happy and content whether that be with her or without her. Hopefully along the way you'll find a good way to communicate to her that her unhappiness is making you so unhappy that you'll have to leave if she doesn't STFU. lol j/k (sorta)

[Blurry28]

Thanks again for your comments Wakeup. I will continue to see my counsellor for sure and work on those things. The big decision for me is whether or not to move on...all I know is I can't continue like this long term. Appreciate the joke as well haha. But agree, I wish she would just stop saying the stuff she does. cheers.