Absolutely heartbroken... In need of help

[Fernando2826]

My now ex-girlfriend, 20, and I, 24, had been seeing each other for 6 months. Things became very deep during this time, particularly in the last few months. We went on an amazing holiday, lived together for a few weeks and spent almost every night together.

We regularly told one another "I love you", she would refer to me as her “soulmate", tell me that she wanted to spend her life with me, wishfully discussed our future children and said, in all seriousness, that she would want to move to Australia with me after university. She even stated that she would be uncertain about an abortion, given that it would be my child. All of this was confirmed by a friend to whom she had said similiar things.

Now, I was already concerned about her suitability for a long-term relationship, given that she cheated on her ex-bf due to separation and didn't feel any guilt for it (although perhaps given her ex leaving for a 3 month holiday justifies it in some way). She also told a friend that despite her adoring me, she always self-sabotages and feared she might cheat for no reason at a festival. In addition to this, I was concerned by her love of male attention, even whilst in my company (perhaps attributable to insecurity over her weight – related to an eating disorder - and looks) She adored sex and admiration.

After 6 months together, we both departed for university, telling one another that we wanted things to work (again confirmed by a third party). She had, however, repeatedly said that she had never intended to go to uni with a bf, but couldn't deal with us breaking up, and was terrified of messing things up.

During our time apart, she spoke of her excitement over seeing me in the coming weeks and I received several very loving drunken phone calls saying that she needed me to be there to reassure her, that she missed me and loved me a great deal. But by around 3 weeks she had almost stopped making any effort to contact me.

I visited her days later, only for her to ignore me the entire time, to show no enthusiasm for my presence (almost annoyance), to text her new friends (and a guy, mentioned below) and to say that she didn't have the emotional or time capacity to make a relationship work alongside her demanding course (fair enough). She was, however, dispassionate this entire time.

After some probing, she admitted that she had been invited back to another guy's house and slept in his bed the night before, cuddling all night, but swore to me that nothing more intimate had happened and I think I believe her (given my understanding of her tone of voice etc). She was, however, flirtatiously texting this guy in front of me the entire time I was there, even as we ended things, and only showed any measure of interest when he responded.

We discussed how the long-distance scenario wasn't going to work and broke up amidst a great many tears. She also asked me to reassure her that we could reinstate things at a later date and after some settling in time (not unreasonable, although odd given her earlier behaviours). She said that she wished we had met after uni so that we could have a future together.

She seemed to be very loving and affectionate during the right moments i.e. watching a movie/in bed/after sex (particularly during the latter stages) but could also be disinterested and condescending. She could also be quite selfish - "forgetting her wallet", buying expensive items despite owing me money which I was in need of etc. She said that before she met me she found it very difficult to open up to people emotionally, even to her previous bf of 2 years, and had never discussed her previous issues surrounding eating disorders, her parents’ divorce and her issues with self-image.

She frequently said that she wished we had met after university, due to her propensity to engage in "self-sabotaging behaviours" – cheating, promiscuity in younger days, drug taking and clubbing - and was scared of ruining our relationship. She also frequently said that she was afraid that I was going to meet someone at university.

When we ended she was a mess, saying that she wished we had met after university so we could have had a future/still wanted a future etc, so she surely still cared? But at the same time, she said she rarely thought of me or her "old" life whilst at university, so perhaps the whole thing (OTT statements of love, future plans etc.) was just an infatuation that never developed into something deeper? Perhaps this is why she got over it so quickly? (In addition to many new distractions and this new guy).

We have spoken a few times in the months since during which she told me that she missed me and was hurt i had removed her from FB and asked for some time in non-contact (so that I could heal). I wish every day for a reconciliation (not sure if wise) but know that this is unlikely given her out of sight-out of mind stance. I also worry that removing her from FB, starting to see someone else (which she was upset about) and asking for some time apart has ruined any chance of a future (or perhaps that her guilt will prevent this)? I wonder how she looks back on the relationship. Finally I worry that, despite her saying that I had made her deliriously happy, she will be happier with this new guy, who I believe she is now seeing.

[lissa]

Well, first of all, as strange as it may seem "out of site" is usually the only way that a girl will want you back. If you are too available for her after a breakup, she doesn't have the same sense of wondering if she made a mistake and missing you.

But regardless, she sounds like she has a whole lot of issues to deal with and that you would do much better to find someone who has more respect for you and your relationship. She'll do this to anyone she meets, it's her pattern, so you don't have to worry about her finding the perfect relationship with a different guy. Just give it some time and stay away from her. The pain you're feeling will heal.

[Fernando2826]

Well, first of all, as strange as it may seem "out of site" is usually the only way that a girl will want you back. If you are too available for her after a breakup, she doesn't have the same sense of wondering if she made a mistake and missing you.

But regardless, she sounds like she has a whole lot of issues to deal with and that you would do much better to find someone who has more respect for you and your relationship. She'll do this to anyone she meets, it's her pattern, so you don't have to worry about her finding the perfect relationship with a different guy. Just give it some time and stay away from her. The pain you're feeling will heal.

Thank you for your response; it means a lot.

[Wakeup]

I think you should google :borderline personality disorder." There will be a picture of your girlfriend under the listed symptoms. She's not well in the emotional sense and won't be without extensive therapy... if for nothing else but her eating disorder (which btw is another symptom of something emotional and much deeper and not in a good way).

Be glad she's gone and don't keep in contact with her so she can hoover you back once the new guy dumps her.

Surely you don't want to wait around for someone who can't last a month away from you without needing the attention of another guy. What she is suffering from (even if its not borderline Personality Disorder) will make it very unlikely that she will ever remain monogamous to whomever she happens to be with.

You are good to be broken up with her... keep her gone.

[daisy123]

you must take break from all this and must go out to visit beautiful place you need rest and switch off your phone and take rest and think again about this all i would suggest move on...