what does it mean if he says he doesn't want to get married?

[hackrebel]

SETUP: i'm 39, he's 45. we've been dating for about 3 years. neither of us want or have children nor have either of us been married before and we don't currently live together.

i asked him around the holidays if he was able to imagine us in the future and he said that he didn't think about the future too much.

he wants to buy a house, so we've been looking at homes. yesterday i made an offhanded comment about us getting married and how it relates to us living together. (we've talked very briefly on occasion about getting married and he was never that into the idea) he gave a half response or something (i can't remember exactly), but i responded with "well, then you'd be able to kick me out of the house whenever you wanted." his response was that it just meant that i could leave whenever i wanted. that stung for some reason but i let it go for the night. actually, i sulked the rest of the night.

this morning i told him that what he said bothered me, about him thinking that i would just up and leave on a whim. before storming out of his apt, i said it wasn't really about us getting married, more that it felt like he likes having me around but could care less if i leave. his response was that he likes things the way they are and he doesn't want to get married and that it's annoying that i've brought it up a couple of times in the past few months.

i am unsure A. why getting married seems so important to me now and B. why he doesn't or isn't able to see a future with me. does this mean i'm just not the one for him or that he's that phobic to commitment that he is ok with us just being BF/GF ? i'm starting to think that he's just not that into me.

[woody]

Well how do you feel about him? Is he someone you want to grow older with?

So he was around 41-42 when you met him, yet he's never been married before. How about serious relationships? Or is this experience of intimacy completely new for the man? Could be he doesn't want to rock the boat so to speak; he likes things the way they are and possibly has strong ideas of how marriages often fail and he doesn't want to fail.

The real question that comes up is uh, how are you feeling about it all?

[hackrebel]

i'm the most serious relationship he's ever had.
i am very upset about it. i do imagine a future for us together. i feel rejected by him saying that. and while he goes out of his way to do things for me and will say that he loves me, and he'll say that if he didn't want to be with me or do something, he just wouldn't, i still sometimes can't help but feel that he is going through the motions of what a relationship should be, or that i'm the person he can tolerate the most, so he stays on.
it's often hard to get him to talk about his feelings, too, and he's very antisocial. he claims to hate people. i understand that sentiment. but still ...

[woody]

Well that's a humdinger situation your in then. Dear lady, you sound like you love the man but the thing is, are you filled? Your words are kind so I assume you are a lovely person and lovely people should not feel or wonder if their s.o simply settles.
You should feel completely, unequivocally, unconditionally loved.

Yes, I understand the anti social tendencies and concur with peoples reasonings but if this is affecting you, keeping you sheltered when you'd like to fly more, that's another thing to consider.

One ought not feel 'tolerated' or convenient. One ought not feel many of the feelings you are enduring.
Does he make you truly happy? Is he good to you most of the time and when he's not, is it still alright or does he bring out the big guns, low blows and intolerable behaviour? These are issues you must reflect on and do what is right for you.

Could it be that you stay because you don't want to be alone or is it for genuine reasons like you can't imagine your life without him in it?

You must be treated right. You know what you need to do.

[Wakeup]

What is the point in talking to us or anyone about the situation you are in? There really is only two choices for you because this man holds all the cards and you're up shit creek without a paddle.

Choice No 1:
You continue on with him as is and the way he deems it because it gives you some time with him even if it is in an uncommitted and there is no security with him financially. Buy your own home and he can buy his because why would you move into his and contribute to bills and help pay for the thing when you're not on title?

Choice No. 2:
You leave him now before you waste anymore time with him, you heal and you find someone who wants what you want.

You can't change him and there is no advise that we can give that would change him. He has to want to change and by staying with him under his conditions, you give him zero reason why he should change a thing.

[smackie9]

You know what not everyone wants or feels the need to get married, and I'm one of them. This is his choice and I doubt it has anything to do with you. YOU were told marriage was not in the cards so why didn't you just move on? Waiting around expecting someone to change is foolish. The red flags were there right in front of you.... A, He told you he didn't want to get married. B, He has never been married. C, at 42 he never had been in a committed relationship before you. D, he suffers from social anxiety.

You made some poor choices here, now it's time to make the correct one......end the relationship and meet someone that has the same goals and expectations. Try dating younger, you may get what you are looking for easier.

[NoNameGirl]

well when youre in love you want to marry the love of your life.. thats normal. but to me it sounds like your boyfriend is worried that he spends a lot of money on things and is afraid that when you leave that you'll take his things... it sounds like that he doesnt want to share his belongings he wants to keep it all for himself and if you ever decide to move in with him and he decides he dosnt want you anymore then you will have to leave HIS house and leave HIS stuff.

[smackie9]

Losing half your stuff to someone who didn't pay into it....ya I can see his point, but that's why there is a thing called prenup. He doesn't want to get married, that's his prerogative.....he just needs to find someone that is on the same page.