Sharing chores

[James_]

I have no idea how much background info to give to put this in the right context. I could write a book; so instead, I guess it might be easier to get questions if necessary.

I'm male, and have a female partner. We've been together nearly two years. She lives with me part time, and now is ready to move in with me full time. My main concern is that she has yet to offer to help with any household chores or even cooking. I do all the cooking if we stay in, and since it's my own house, I do all the chores and house projects. She lives in a small apartment shared with a relative.

So, I don't know what a reasonable time-frame is that a partner would begin helping with house chores. In my mind it seems like it should have begun by now, but to her, maybe she thinks she will start after she moves in full time. My fear is that there is already a routine established and she may never offer to do any chores. That isn't something I would be good with, so I'd rather discuss it before a permanent move happens.

Questions:
1. How does one say to another; Hey, can you start helping with chores around here? (without causing the other to get defensive)

2. Am I wrong to be thinking it's been long enough that she should have already offered to help?

Thanks for any insight and suggestions.

[TheEvilJester]

Let me start with your second question. You say that she has thus far with you "part time." Can you define exactly what that means? I just ask because that can kind of change how I may answer. If part time means she's usually not staying at your place, but does from time to time, then I would say you probably shouldn't expect her to pitch in on the chores during then. I mean, for one thing, one would hope and assume she would be splitting chores at her own place.

On the other hand, if "part time" means she practically already lives with you as it ism but it just isn't official yet, then I would agree that she probably should have been helping already.

That said, there really isn't anything wrong with just having a discussion. Just be very friendly and matter of fact. Try not to be accusatory at all, as though you are implying she should have been helping already. Just simply say something along the lines of "Since you are going to be moving in full time, maybe we should talk about dividing chores, etc."

I mean, if you two are going to be living together, you definitely need to make sure that is going to work for you both. If you are a neat freak, but she never wants to do any chores (or vice versa) that would obviously not work out. However, it is entirely possible the two of you may not have EXACTLY the same philosophies on chores.... but can at least still come to a happy medium. It is definitely an important discussion to have with anybody with whom you are going to co-habitate. Better to deal with it now rather than to hope it will just magically resolve itself.

[James_]

Thank you for your thoughts!

Part time means slightly more than 50%. Another way to say it, any time that either of us does not have parent / custody time is when she is living with me. Our parenting / custody schedule is the same, so typically, on week nights that she has her teenage child, she stays at her apartment. Otherwise, she is living with me. So she is living with me more than not, but just not full time.

I agree about the assumption about her sharing chores at the apartment. However, shared chores in a small apartment is minimal compared to the chores in a fairly large house and yard.

I also agree about having the discussion before things move further along. That's why I'm here, asking for help in how to hold that discussion. As I'm a fairly direct person, I sometimes comes off cold or impersonal when I just intend to cut to the chase.

[Wakeup]

I like the straight forward approach. Make a list of what you will do and what you expect her to do and then hand it to her. Give her this list NOW and not after she's moved in. It should tell you a lot if she responds with enthusiasm or she deflects and makes you seem like you're being unreasonable for expecting her to do her share.... Know that you are NOT being unreasonable.

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BTW: What does she do while you're cooking and cleaning. Sit on her ass and play WoW?

Very telling about her that she doesn't just volunteer to at least clean up afterwards if you're doing the cooking.

[dontaskme]

Why don't you just "cut to the chase" and let her know what your expectations are. Sharing chores is normal for a couple living together unless you can afford to hire a full time maid to clean up after you guys.

I don't understand in the first place why you have to spell this out to her. Whether it's a small apartment or a huge house, chores need to be done, otherwise, they will sit there for you until someone else will do them. She can't be that oblivious to this. Perhaps, you consciously volunteered to do all the housework since it is your house even though she was partially living with you and that is why she pretends to be unaware of the implicit etiquette of living together. If such is the case, then sit with her and lay down what your expectations are so that they are very clear from the beginning.

You know her better than anyone so you probably know the best way to approach her without being offensive to her. The only reason she'll get defensive about this is when she knows she's in the wrong, otherwise, she should be grateful that you are willing to share your home with her on a full time basis.

[James_]

Thank you for the comments, Wakeup.

I do cleaning on nights/weekends that she is not there. Trying to maximize our together time. However, that might be where I'm creating an expectation on her part that she doesn't need to help. ?

As for cooking, the weird thing is, she will help prepare the meal if I ask, otherwise she just sits and watches tv. Now to give her fair credit, she absolutely helps clean up dishes after we eat without asking. But in two years, she has offered to cook maybe 2 times. To me, we are far beyond her being just a guest, which is why I am feeling a bit frustrated that she isn't offering to help more.

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Thanks for the reply, dontaskme.

I don't understand either why it needs to be spelled out. That was the 2nd part of my question to the forum. It seems obvious to me that if you're spending a fair amount of time living somewhere, you should probably be helping in some way or another. Which is why I'm frustrated.

I think when it's a gradual transition, like it has been with us, the point where one jumps in to help isn't as clear as if you go off and get married and then begin living together.

As I mentioned, I think there is now a routine set, and why take on more work if someone else is already doing it. So, I'm looking for the soft and fuzzy way of asking for help. I don't think shoving a list in front of her and telling her what she has to do will go over real well.

[smackie9]

This is usually the trap woman fall into and end up doing everything. Sorry but, you need to have that discussion with her, that the chores now need to be split and talk about who is going to do what along with how the bills get paid etc. You just have to say, "lets compromise" If you don't like to cook, then you can keep the kitchen clean, or suggest you do things together or alternate days....say "it's your turn!" You cook and I'll clean.

If you want a healthy relationship then you need to have healthy communication. If it doesn't go over well with her then you are dating the wrong girl and you shouldn't have invited her live with you.

[James_]

Smackie9, thank you for the reply.

"usually the trap women fall into" This is why I posted on the forum. When I do a generic internet search, all I see are male bashing posts. So I think as a male, I'm more of the exception on this issue so it's not easy to see how to handle it in the reverse situation. I do appreciate your comments though.

[Wakeup]

If it doesn't go over well with her then you are dating the wrong girl and you shouldn't have invited her live with you.

This^^^^

I'll add that no one told you to shove a list in her face. You'll have to have a conversation that's calm but matter of fact about this. Just like every other aspect of your relationship when there is some conflict to be resolved and or compromised on. That list doesn't have to be the final word but it will get a word on the subject begun.

[basilandthyme]

Instead of telling her how the chore sharing will be, how about framing the issue as a question: "hey, when we live together, what do you think is a fair way to share chores?"

[TablesandChairs]

Honestly, most people would just do it...when my partner and I weren't living together, I'd help cook (or just do it myself), I'd tidy up, wash dishes, make the bed. Whatever. And I was living there...maybe 1-2 times per fortnight since we were mostly at my place due to its proximity to both our work places. Strange that she wouldn't take this initiative...I'd expect it from either male or female.

[James_]

Wakeup, I agree, a conversation would be a much better approach than giving a list.

basilandtyme, thank you! And... great spices!

TableandChairs, thank you. I totally agree. This is basically where I've been stuck and kind of wanted to get validated from another source. While I do think a conversation may help, if someone is so oblivious to their surroundings, something isn't quite right.

[TheEvilJester]

I most definitely agree with you, James, that this shouldn't have to be a conversation in the first place. However, sometimes you do have to give people the benefit of the doubt a little bit. It could be completely innocent and just did not happen to occur to her to help with chores since you always already had them done before she was even there.

One would hope that once she moves in full time, she'd begin to pull her own weight without having to have the discussion. .....Still, it is better just to have it rather than just wait and hope she will do the right thing on her own.

As others have suggested, really the only thing you can do is to have a conversation with her. But, again, make it exactly that.... a conversation. It isn't a command or anything like that. That's why I don't think Wakeup meant that you hand her a list of her chores and that is that. It is meant to be a conversation where the two of you decide what works for you both. Some people have certain things they hate. One person may hate vacuuming, whereas another may not mind it. So, you are correct that simply handing her a list of assigned chores would not likely go over well for anybody, frankly.

I don't think that was what Wakeup meant, though. The list is just to get the conversation started, not the end-all, be-all, final word. If you do make a list, you definitely want to make that clear.

Overall, I'd almost recommend being somewhat apologetic about it. Mind you, again, you shouldn't HAVE to as it should just be expected that she would help if she is going to be living there. But, you also don't want to make yourself look entitled/demanding, nor do you want to make it seem like you specifically assume she needs to be told to help because she wouldn't otherwise. Does that make sense? Not sure if I am explaining myself well.

Anyways, good luck to you.

[James_]

Thanks, TheEvilJester. You are making perfect sense and I think you've pretty much hit the nail on the head. I sometimes need help finding the [softer side of Sears] approach.

I very much appreciate all the input from the responses.

[Wakeup]

Wakeup, I agree, a conversation would be a much better approach than giving a list.

I still think you should make the list of chores that need doing and then discuss who will be responsible for what and that can be discussed and compromised on or switched around or changed altogether. The list will be the ice breaker... "I've come up with what chores need to be done around here honey. Would you like to pick which ones you'd prefer doing or should I just break it up and we can talk about any changes you'd like to make?" Kind of hard to argue over that or take a stance that she shouldn't have to do anything or even just keep the status quo.

I'll add that I asked my husband to help with things many times and he always slacked off after a couple of times doing things UNTIL I made that list.

I have been married for 38 years and if we didn't have the list conversation then I'd still be picking his underwear up off the bdrm floor like his mother did for him. His mother did me no favours by not giving him a list of things he needed to do as a young boy and then a teenager living in her and his dad's home.

Good luck. Lets hope she's just not cluing in and isn't one of those that had to do nothing while living at home.