How can i get him back?

[xoxocharney]

My ex boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago. We've been dating for 14 months, and before we dated we were friends for a long time. He had a crush on me for at least a year before we got together and was very patient with me.

Our relationship has been going great and I always had people coming up to me saying how good we are together and how jealous they are of what we have.

Last Friday he went for a job interview. We both don't have our licenses so I went with him, taking public transport to the interview, for support. On our way back we went to a park and spent some time together, walking around and enjoying each other presence.

As he walked me home after the day, we playfully discussed topics involving children and marriage. It went along the lines like "I can picture you doing this or being like this when we have kids.." And so on. He joined in and it was all fun and cute. He suddenly said he wants to wait at least 10 years before he wants to get married and at that point of time I got extremely upset because I'm a sense I heard "I don't want to commit to you". A small argument broke out, and I don't think the heat of the day helped. I got home and cooled off and was trying to contact him to explain why I got upset and that I think that there shouldn't be a "time" put on big decisions like that. That it should happen when both are ready and secure enough. But he never replied.

That night he texted me and said I scared the sh*t out of him bringing up marriage. I was confused as it was all in a playful sense and we've spoken about it before. I again tried explaining myself and apologised for scaring him and mentioned it's not something we even have to be thinking about now, but Im pretty sure he thinks that's what I'm wanting and expecting in the next few years - which isn't true. I'm only 18 and he's 20 in April. he then wanted a break to clear his mind and wrap his head around everything.

2 days went by with no communication and I finally was able to see him to see what's going on. He said he was sick of me hurting him and walking all over him.
I've been struggling at home the past 2 weeks and twice I was moody towards him. I brought it up with him and said I didn't mean it and apologised. And at that point in time he said he understands. But I definitely don't "walk all over him". I respect him and love him and we were both there for each other. I never took advantage of him. He was very angry at me over multiple, small things. He also deleted me from all social media.

I'm so frustrated because he didn't say anything before and he never even gave me the chance to fix things or make things work. How was I supposed to know how upset he was when he didn't talk to me or tell me. I can't read minds.

I apologised for the times I upset him and asked for forgiveness and asked him just to at least allow me to fix things but he says he's sick of giving me chances.

I just think he has built up his anger and now every small mistake I've done is brought upon me and he makes me appear like I'm such a terrible person. I feel terrible because I would never hurt him on purpose. He thinks I'm going to hurt him again but I didn't mean to do it on purpose in the first place. Yes I made mistakes, but so has he. Everyone does. But mine was never deliberate. The last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt him or upset him. I just wish he would believe me and trust me when I say I'm trying here and promise not to do stuff like that again.

Wednesday afternoon he and his mum contacted me and said they wanted to meet up and discuss what's going on. When I got there he hardly spoke and his mum did most of the talking. She mentioned that this was also a huge shock for her because he said to her that everything between us has been perfect, even a day before this all happened.
She also said that she thinks that he was really counting on that job interview on friday. That that crushed him. And that the emotions of anger went from him being upset at the job to marriage and that it all for too much. He has never ever been an emotional kid. Never spoke about his feelings his entire life. She said she took him to counselors. Psychologists. Social workers. But he just shuts down. Its his coping mechanism. On Friday night she woke to loads of missed calls and texts from him. Not like him.

The rest of the conversation was her trying to get him to open up and speak from his heart, and also her helping us to understand what happened and honestly I think she tried to help fix things. My ex has never been good at communicating. All he really said was that he still loves me and cares for me, but he just can't think right now and everything is just getting to him so he is confused.

Later that night his mum texted me again and said "I don't know what happened. He went into panic mode. He was all chatty and then clammed up when you got there. He's scared shitless. Not about what you said. Its Bigger than that. He's never been very confident. I think he feels like a failure. he's just in hermit mode atm, I said when he comes out - you might not be there for him and that's a risk he has to deal and live with. Him not knowing his dad effects him more as he gets older"

He was meant to see her the next day to talk about his feelings but since Wednesday he has been shutting her out also and ignoring her. I'm worried. She's worried. She says that's she thinks he depressed but he refuses to get help or see a doctor.

I haven't contacted him since Wednesday. It's really hard for me I so badly want to fix things and go back to how it was before Friday happened. I hate that he's hurting and I want to be there for him.
Our relationship has been perfect so I honestly think it's the depression, job situation and built of anger that's gotten to him. I just don't understand why I'm the one being rejected now, I should be the one to be there and help him through it. I was always by his side and always there to support him. I can't stop thinking about how good everything was. I just don't understand. My heart and body is aching. I'm constantly crying and don't feel like doing anything anymore. I've even had suicidal thoughts and I'm scared of going back to my bad habit of self harm. I need him, he was the only one who understood and helped me through it and now he's gone.

How can I get him back? Do you think there's a chance things will go back to normal again? Should I contact him?

Please help.

[basilandthyme]

Hi Charney - you only need to post this one time

I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. Breakups are really shitty.

Thing is though, you're wanting to rekindle a relationship with a guy who's broken. He shuts down instead of communicating. Who dumps you because of one discussion which went awry. This is not the personality trait of a person who's able to have a good, healthy relationship. I know you love him, but imagine if he does this when the two of you are married with kids. How awful for you and your young family!

Not only that, but he talks of having given you chances before - but you say that he's never expressed any problem about the relationship. So either you're forgetting all the chances he's given you for all your mistakes and you're pretending that you've never done anything majorly wrong in the past......or he's just making up all these supposed chances he's given you and is carrying on like a victim. And his MUM needs to get involved! He's 20yo for heaven's sake!

Hon, I know this hurts now. But you can do better. Go find yourself a man who can communicate...one who hasn't failed numerous psych sessions. Spend some time grieving the lost relationship and then focus on moving on.

[drleo]

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[Wakeup]

Well, I think he'll probably come back to you as well but I'd not call that a positive to you in the long run.

As BandT has pointed out, this guy has lots of emotional issues that many professional people have failed to help him conquer and his mother sounds like a total enabler who meddles in his business far too much. You think she's a great partner to you because you're hurting and you want him back but she's working for HIM not you and she's probably thinking he'll not find anyone else who is willing to put up with his "isms" like you seem to be.

You'd do well to go zero contact an get yourself over him so that you don't end up married to someone who will bolt from you everytime he is stressed. Remember, she's had him to several professionals who have been unable to bring him out of his inabilities to function emotionally and maturely. He's young yes, but do you want to caretake him while you stick around walking on eggshells afraid of asking for what you want and need in life, that asking will set him off again?

Dating is about finding out if who you are with is going to make a good lifemate for you. This guy doesn't sound like he's going to be a good lifemate for anyone.

- - - Updated - - -

BTW: Dr. Leo, you're an idiot. Quit spamming this site and preying on vulnerable people who are in pain. I've reported you.

[smackie9]

Sorry hun, but it's better to find out now he doesn't have the capacity to handle a serious commitment, rather than him leaving you at the alter.