why am i not interested in sex anymore?

[bs95]

I'm new at this, but my question is, how can I get interested in sex again? My husband and I have been together for 4 years almost and we have a 2 yr old son. I'm a stay at home mom so all I do is cook clean and watch my son, I also have no license so I NEVER get out of the house. My husband wants to have sex every single night and whenever he's off work that's still all he wants to do or would rather hang with friends than spend time with me. He gets mad if I turn him down but I just can't get into it. Its been like this for a few months now, its just getting worse. Every now and then I'll actually be in the mood but I dread going to bed because I know he's going to want some. ( he isn't forcing me by no means). Maybe I'm just lazier now that I have a child... I just need advice from someone. I just want a normal happy sex life again!!!

Also, I've had alot going on personally lately with my family, maybe I'm too worried about them to care for sex? (he refuses to let me see my family and one has cancer and I miss them all so much) <maybe that's it????

[basilandthyme]

Getting mad if you turn him down may not be physical force, but he's certainly putting you under emotional duress!

Each individual thing you've written about could easily contribute to why you don't want sex. But add all of them together and you've got a recipe for libido disaster. The lack of time you have for yourself, your isolation, your husband's disinterest in you, his control of you, the emotional duress, having a young family. You're ticking all the boxes.

I highly recommend this book to you [URL="http://drrosieking.com.au/books/where-did-my-libido-go-practical-advice-for-women-with-low-desire/"]Where did my libido go?[/URL] by Dr Rosie King. I think you will relate to a lot of her discussions regarding situational libido loss.

But more importantly, pick up the phone and call a domestic abuse hotline. He may not be physically abusing you, but the isolation he enforces on you is very much emotionally abusive. This abuse must addressed immediately.

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Stay around BS.....let us be there for you.

[Wakeup]

Make arrangements for your mother or his mother (or any reliable person that you would trust to take the baby over-night) and you and your husband take an over-nighter spa get-away. Have dinner, just the two of you, focus on one another like you did when you were first starting to date and when you get back if you see him starting to take you for granted yet again, you tell him what your feeling like you've told us in your opening post and ask him to help you to feel that you're his focus, his priority his life partner and not just the woman that makes his meals and changes his kids shitty diapers. That THAT is what it is going to take for you to be connected enough to be into any type of sexual advances.

Make your get aways something to look forward to on a every other month or sooner rotation, keep your date nights going while you're at home, and do yourself a favor by getting your hair done or a mani-pedi done once every quarter. Just because you have a baby you shouldn't give up being who you are.

[basilandthyme]

Wakeup, he won't let her see her family!

[dontaskme]

Why wouldn't he let you see your family? How far are they?

[bs95]

Same county. Here's the thing, when I was pregnant, I was 17 & my mom has a drug problem and lied all the time to my husband to get money to support her habit, well we found out and we cut all ties, I've never really known her anyways but she took me away. Just put of no where my gparents raised me and that's who I can't see, he thinks that if my grandma is gonna keep in touch with my mom,( her daughter) than neither me or my son should be around her

[basilandthyme]

BS, I understand that your husband would be pissed at your mother because she lied to and used him. But whether or not you stay in touch with your family should be YOUR choice. The only fair demands he can make on you is that you don't make him visit AND you protect your own family from any drama. If mom is a lying junkie, then it's probably a good thing that you do stay away - but he shouldn't be given the power to dictate who you can and cannot see.

As for your grandma, perhaps your husband doesn't understand the unconditional love that most parents have for their children. Abandoning is not something which most parents would do to even the most wayward child. Would your husband abandon one of your own children if they got into an unsavoury lifestyle?

What would your husband do if you went and saw your grandma?

[woody]

^ Agreed.
While it is normal for a father to be protective over his lady and child, he's got to lighten up in regards to your GrandMother; and trust that you will not be placed in any compromising situations.

As far as libido goes, if your stressed out woman, there's your answer. I would imagine your hubby would be wise to school himself a little more in regards to what makes a woman tick.. Does he even know how much is on your mind, how much you long to see the woman who raised you, your GrandMother? Does he even understand?

[bs95]

Hr knows the family part, but if I say I'm stressed and need a break hes like "yeah, how do you think I feel" cause he works. He understands I'm stressed, he just doesn't understand to what degree. He thinks I can just take my mind off of it and be okay because that's what he does. (he has a project truck)

[Wakeup]

Wakeup, he won't let her see her family!

Op: said...

I'm new at this, but my question is, how can I get interested in sex again?

That's what I answered.

Now Op: How does he stop you from seeing your family? What would he do if you invited your gmother to come see you and the baby?

[bs95]

He'd have a heart attack and go crazy. He had a bad childhood that's lead him to this point where he's controlling and super protective. Don't get me wrong our relationship is great, but when it does get bad it gets really bad. Like, to the point we're both wanting to literally strangle each other but we just separate ourselves.

[basilandthyme]

BS, your relationship ISN'T great. You've got a controlling partner who cares nothing for your needs! You can't see your family for fear of his reaction to it. Hon, if you have a daughter, would you wish this type of marriage on her? As it is, your husband's behaviour is being role modelled for your son - he will grow up thinking that this is an OK way to treat his wife.

Having a bad childhood may have screwed him up, but this does not make his behaviour acceptable.

Frankly, I don't think your sex drive will return until your husband stops controlling you, until he recognises that you need time to yourself and untill you have friends, family and a social life. At present, you're caged, isolated and being controlled - this does not make one want to be intimate with their partner.

If you want to stay with him, you need to get marriage counselling immediately. Tell him that the reason you want counselling is so that you can address the libido issue.

[Wakeup]

He'd have a heart attack and go crazy.

I'm sure he'd NOT have a heart attack and If he were to go "crazy" then you'd be better off without a mental case in your life. Why don't you propose to him that you're going to invite her to your home if he's so against you going there to visit her and also tell him that you are missing her terrible, the woman that raised you well and with love and that if he cares about you at all, he'd be happy to see you getting a big old G-Ma hug from her in person... Let us know what he has to say about that particular plea.

He had a bad childhood that's lead him to this point where he's controlling and super protective.

Having a visit from someone you love and who loves you is HARDLY a reason to isolate you from them. Just because she hasn't disowned her own daughter (your mother) it doesn't mean that you need protecting from her.

Don't get me wrong our relationship is great, but when it does get bad it gets really bad. Like, to the point we're both wanting to literally strangle each other but we just separate ourselves.

That is the dynamic of your union. But really, how does that excuse his unloving and this cruel isolating you're allowing him to wield over you?

Has he ever hit you? Would he ever hit you? Does he think he has the right to strike his child? Would you allow him to do that?

[woody]

^booyah to B&T and W.U, all of the above....
okay, so while in the brews of a potent and passionate union with a man that's uber protective to the point of '"whoa", holy smokes houston, take a step back there your about to blow a gasket'', YOU need to school him dear lady on a balance that needs to be achieved here.

As B&T, WakeUp are saying, there are options. I like this one (suggested by W.U), get GrandMother over to your place. Surely he can't have a problem with that and if he does, your going to have to put your foot down and stick out your big toe to show you mean business. (sorry, little joke there, i'm sleep deprived)
Next: So he 's like this due to not trusting the Mother in law (your Ma)... Tell us, does he have any other over the top control issues?

Lady, you got allot of good advice from folks here. I hope you and yours finds a way to a balanced state. I'm sure there's something about co dependancy and enabling in this, though I wouldn't know how to quite put it right; alas, I'm sensing these terms fit this situation, but I am not the expert when it comes to that. Someone here however, is...

hope your doing alright.
oh yeah, sex. big sigh. i.m.o, he ought not be pushing it on you. no way, no how.

[bs95]

In the beginning, we got into it and pushed each other but he's never hit me and we haven't had a fight like that since. He has sooo much patience for kids, his or not. But adults are another story. I'd like to say I wouldn't allow him to hit me but everything I've been through with him and stayed there by his side, idk if id leave or not.

I did just find out that he's been asking his step mom about her opinions on the family situation. He feels bad and doesn't understand why I get so upset that I wanna see them after everything they've put me through buy its still family no matter what. He's not willing to forgive them, my grandma allowed my mom to see my son when she baby-sat him and that's why he's mad at her.

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He doesn't have anything else he really tries to control. How would I get that balance? How do you approach someone like that with a serious conversation? I'm not afraid of him but I would just like to talk to him about all this without him getting mad and turning it into an argument.