He's obviously interested, but he's not moving forward... Need advice.

[crazylilrae]

This is going to be a long post, because I feel like the details are important, but I need some advice from unbiased people as my friends have been little to no help at all.

There is this guy. We work for the same company, but in different departments and areas of the building, etc. Our paths rarely cross at work though we speak nearly everyday. I was not familiar with this man until I was introduced by a mutual friend and coworker of ours.
He and I began talking here and there in the office, and occasionally private messages on Facebook. We discovered quite a few shared interests (such as cooking, concerts, and travel) and quite a bit in common (like movies, music/bands, football team, foods we both enjoy, craft beers, etc etc.)

Upon discovering our shared interest in craft beer, we began hanging out outside of work. We would get together (just the two of us) and go out for drinks, sometimes a meal, and would spend hours talking. We talk about pretty much anything and everything; stories of our past, plans for the future, embarrassing memories, etc. We really seemed to click, and though he is generally a shy person, I realized he was really opening up to me and sharing stories that friends he has known for YEARS longer have never heard.

From my perspective, things seemed really positive in terms of him being someone I could potentially seriously date. He was always very kind, refused to let me pay or even split the bill with me, was always very interested in what I was saying, made good eye contact, hugged my goodbye [sometimes a quick “bro-hug” but sometimes a tight, lingering hug.] We always had a great time, and things were never awkward or forced. We could talk, laugh, joke and be comfortable around each other. This happened every couple of weeks for nearly a year.

I couldn’t really understand how he could act so interested but not make a move, so one day, fueled by a couple of beers, and the encouragement of my (apparently clueless friends) I sent him a text,

“So I’ve been thinking about it, and have decided: next time we get together for a drink, I intend to get you drunk and take full advantage of you.”

Admittedly, not my smoothest correspondence.

His response came a few days later,
“Sorry I didn’t reply sooner. I tend to overanalyze things. Don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate where you were going and gave it lots of thought, but I guess Im just not up for that right now. Plus I have a pretty shitty long term track record. I almost thing I’ve been single too long. Call it no harm, no foul?”

I gracefully accepted defeat and went on with life under the impression that he and I would just be friends. We still hung out and talked like we did prior to this. This all went down around October of last year. His son had just gone away to college, and he was living alone again for the first time in 20+ years.

Fast forward to last month. I get an IM from Mutual Coworker Friend casually mentioning that this guy confided in her that he was lonely, and opening up to starting to date again. He had gone on a date with someone, and liked her but didn’t see potential. I was a bit offended that I had not been considered an option to him, but I wrote it off…until a few days later, when he randomly wanted to meet me for a drink after work. The following day, he took me out to lunch [still refusing to let me pay.] Over the weekends, he would text me out of the blue because “something reminded him of me,” or with a random question about something he knows I have a bit of knowledge of [computer/tech questions]. Honestly I figured when he shot me down the first time, that I would write it off, and cut back on our communications, but inevitably after a couple of days, he will ALWAYS message me first.

Suddenly I wonder if he changing his mind and wanting to pursue me, but I’m at a loss. We discovered a band we both like is coming to concert soon, and he mentioned that we should get a group together and go. When I discovered no one else was interested I casually mentioned we didn’t have to go because I didn't want him to feel obligated to go, but he insisted we go together.


TL;DR: Over a year of mixed signals, but obvious signs of interest, and he keeps finding reasons to talk to me but it doesn’t seem to go any further.

Basically what it all comes down to is this: Our entire friendship has been mixed signals. He seems interested, but is not actively pursuing me. All the signs indicate he likes me.

Other factors that may be relevant include that he is 43, and I am 28 [his son is 22], he is INCREDIBLY shy, (though he is pretty open with me), and that we work for the same company [but our company has no policy against dating/relationships, and several other known couples work there.]

I need an unbiased outside opinion. Is this guy interested in me AT ALL, or am I spinning my wheels wondering, and just need to let it go?

Sidenote: at this time, there are not other viable dating prospects so I’m not really missing out on anything while I go back and forth with this guy.

[basilandthyme]

Hon, I'm not sure what obvious signs of interest you're seeing. Sure, he likes your company and is comfortable opening up to you - but to me, an obvious sign of interest would be asking you on a date. Or at least some long lasting, undeniable chemistry.

I think he sees you as a good friend only.

Also, the age difference is considerable. It wouldn't be surprising if he's looking for someone who is at a similar stage in life to him. You're still at the age where you'd want to start a young family - and he's at the age of living it up because his kids are moving out. You're at such different stages in life! Unless he wants to start over again with young children, I'd forget any ideas you have with him.

[crazylilrae]

I appreciate the response. You do make a valid point about children/ having a family, but at one point we actually discussed this, and i have no interest in having children. Not my cup of tea. I imagine you're probably correct, but I wanted an outside opinion. I love my friends, but they can't always separate telling me what they think the truth is, versus what they think I want to hear to make me feel better, lol.

[Wakeup]

He's obviously fond of you, he'd have to be to want you even to hang out with and keep himself from feeling lonely... but that doesn't mean he wants to put the effort into a romantic relationship with you though.

"He had gone on a date with someone, and liked her but didn’t see potential." I think he was talking about you when he told the mutual co-worker that he recently went on a date but didn't see potential.

Anyway, my advice: I think you're stagnating yourself and your dating potential by hanging out with this guy who turned you down particularly when you made it clear that you were a sure thing when you want to be in something more then besties. Start distancing yourself from him and work on rehabbing yourself from your attraction to him by slowly doing the fade.

He knows where you are if he changes his mind about advancing your friendship to something more.