Worried for Marriage

[MusicHusband]

I’m 29 and my wife is 28, we’ve been married almost 3 years, together for seven. I’ve been feeling a growing dissatisfaction with our relationship and am afraid I’m falling out of love with her. We’ve gone to counseling which would result in coming home and arguing about the issues that were brought up, never coming to an understanding or agreement. We came to the conclusion that finding our own personal therapist would yield better results. She’s gone to therapy before for her emotional issues including depression and agrees that it helped her. When I ask about her finding a therapist for herself she just shrugs it off or says “I don’t know,” and doesn’t take the initiative to look for one. And I’m currently trying to find one that is covered by my healthcare which is proving to be a bit of a struggle.

Here are the issues that keep coming up:

She has pretty severe emotional issues (inability to express feelings without uncontrollably crying, bottling up what she’s thinking, apathy) as well as depression and anxiety. She’s gone to the doctor for anxiety/depression and they’ve prescribed her medication to help, but she prefers smoking weed on a daily basis to alleviate the symptoms rather than take medication, which in turn makes her very lethargic/lazy/apathetic. It basically just seems like she’s slowly giving up trying. She has a lot of body image issues which routinely get blamed on me because she feels I have unrealistic expectations for what a woman should look like. I don’t think this is a fair assumption at all, I would just like to be with someone who takes care of themselves. I’ve tried getting her to go to the gym with me, offered to play soccer with her (she played and loved it in high school) and thought of various other activities (riding bikes, swimming, etc.) all of which got shot down. She routinely refers to herself as “shlubby” when she gets dressed for work, has stopped doing her hair, immediately puts on sweatpants and an oversized sweatshirt when she gets home and only gets dressed up or looks cute on rare occasions. When she comes home from work she makes dinner, then proceeds to watch TV/smoke weed for a few hours until she falls asleep on the couch. I ask if there’s any work she can do to work towards grad school (which she wants to go to in 2 years), she says yes, then turns the TV on.

I’m an understanding person, not without faults of my own (being selfish, being unhappy) and am trying to work through these issues as well as see things from her perspective. I go to the gym about 4 days a week, am a musician currently going to school and devoting time to learning and I’m really wanting to be with someone who motivates and inspires me. I don’t really feel a sexual desire towards her anymore, our level of intimacy has drastically decreased since we first started dating and I feel her lifestyle and physical appearance are the reasons. We share the same group of friends, love each other’s families and would like to stay together. I’m just afraid I’m never going to feel the kind of attraction toward my wife that I truly want out of my marriage.

Sorry for the long post, but if anyone has any advice regarding our situation that would be great.

[basilandthyme]

OK. First on the depression (I'm a medicated depressive) - I believe that each of us have a responsibility to take care of our mental health and use the help available to be the best we can for our relationship. Anything less should be unacceptable. Anyway, the lethargic/lazy/apathetic thing is 100% symptomatic of the depression. I don't know much about weed, but I think there's a fair chance it's making matters worse. It doesn't matter how much you try and motivate her to do something, the depression will make any task feel overwhelming and she won't be able to do it. I would advise you to stop trying to motivate her into exercise and put your efforts into addressing the depression.

Speaking of motivation, you're expecting too much if you want partner who motivates and inspires you. Just as she is the one who needs to be able to motivate and inspire herself, you too, must be able to rely on yourself for motivation. That being said, it's important to avoid a partner who drags us down. Simply having a partner who leaves us in a good emotional state so that we can inspire ourselves to do our best work is all we can really expect from another.

Anyway, I think the way forward must be with some tough love. You say that you love each other and want the marriage to work. Let me ask you this: if she doesn't get her mental health under control, are you willing to stay regardless? If not, this is the point where you need to start. She needs a massive kick up the rear end along the lines of "this marriage isn't working for me at present. If I am to continue in this marriage, I need you to start to take responsibility for your mental health - including counselling and proper medication" However, if you're not prepared to walk away if she stays the same, then you can't throw this threat out there.

You mention that you are a musician and do the gym 4 days per week. Does this mean that you're absent from the home during these times? (practicing for hours on end in another room also counts as being absent). Just as she's got to make sure that she gets her mental health under control, you need to make sure that you're *present*. It's hard to make a marriage work if a partner is gone too much. I'm only guessing about this - perhaps you're fitting all this in and still managing to be around. Just throwing it out in case you're not.

[woody]

I've been there myself. I know allot about cannabinoids and when in the throes of clinical depression, it does not help. It may alleviate variable certain symptoms of any anxieties but other than that, waking and baking makes so and so a dull girl and becoming one with the couch. A shitty place to be.
Since she's open however to so called 'herbal' remedies I'm going to suggest something that worked for me. Sure, I took the pharm meds, they made me numb but they did not treat the underlying issues.

What did work, (and no, i'm not a hippy) is this and I highly suggest you keep an open mind and do some research before tossing it aside. Check out the 'Bach Flower Remedies'.. Available in any health/ homeopathic outlet, been around and working for nearly a century, made from, you guessed, flowers/trees, some of the oldest specimens on the planet and man, the stuff works. I suggest the Mustard tincture as well as the Clematis. But look it up, do the research, the tinctures are very affordable, drops a day in water, there are 38 different ones so look them up and see what may help your lady out.
You and her may be surprised with the results.

As far as falling out of love I have to wonder, if she was her old vibrant self, would you still be feeling this way?