It needs to end but I feel so guilty about it.

[bigumbang]

I guess I do not need advice so much as approval or disapproval. I have been dating my girlfriend for almost 2 years. She and her 4 year old daughter moved in with me about 8 months ago, which was both a mistake and a revealing necessity. Immediately after we moved in, things changed. She was suddenly sick constantly and her job, out of nowhere became so stressful that she could barely handle it. Thinking it was probably a phase, I did everything to be as supportive, helpful and patient as I could. 8 months and 2 jobs for her later, things are the same. She never helps with chores or cleaning. Her financial contribution is minimal (due to switching to a less lucrative job) she cries or complains constantly about everything and has taken a back seat role in parenting her daughter. Her daughter, whom I loved growing close with and parenting as if she was my own, now resents me because she sees me as the guy who makes her do her chores, eat her dinner and go to bed and her mom is the fun one she rarely gets attention from. Bringing these things up with her, is admittedly hard because I am not a confrontational person and she responds terribly every time I bring them up.
The girlfriend now gets upset if she feels I slacked in any way in regards to her daughters upkeep (maybe I let a bath slip a day longer than it should because, you know, I am dealing with a lot here). She wants to diet but keeping her on track with that idea falls all on me. She hates when I spend time with my friends. She has karate's classes 4 nights a week which leaves me chained at home with her daughter with very little social interaction. She nags me about a marriage commitment constantly. She bought a wedding dress a few months ago as a "surprise", though I never proposed and had only really discussed marriage before moving in. She is always angry that I never want sex (I am mostly just exhausted with a full time plus job, child rearing, house cleaning, cooking, laundry and everything else) and is constantly nagging me about that.

I know it must end but I feel incredibly guilty about it. If it was just me and the girlfriend, I'd end it no problem. My reservations lie in the fact that I know her daughter will be heart broken. She is 5 and she sees me as her father ( her birth father is off at school somewhere and sees her maybe once every 6 months claiming he us going to come " save her" when he finishes school sometime in the next 3 to 6 years) I know that if it were not for me, she would be somewhat neglected. I know without me, they would have to move back with my girlfriends mom. I need the relationship to end, I am burnt out and unhappy but I feel irresponsible about ending it. I feel like a parent abandoning their child, even though she has started treating me like a brat and fights me on everything because she resents me.

Am I scum for leaving? Does it make me an irresponsible A-hole? What if I ruin the that child's life (or reduce her quality of life) by leaving for my own selfish reasons?

[basilandthyme]

bigumbang, the welfare of the daughter is her mother's responsibility. You can't stay in this toxic environment for the sake of the daughter. Kids are resilient - you won't ruin her life.

It's time to end it. The longer you leave it, the harder it will get.

[Wakeup]

You sit down and you make a plan as to how you want this to change. You have a list of chores that will be your g/f's responsibility and what will be yours. You tell her what else you believe needs changing in her and in yourself in order for the relationship to continue on. If she doesn't change then you will be ending the relationship and you will give her until the end of the month to move out.

Unless you don't even want to give her a chance after explaining to her that you're at your wits end... if that's the case then feeling "guilty" is wasted energy on your part. The child's mother should be the one feeling guilty and, she should be getting therapy to help her to grow the hell up.

[TheEvilJester]

I will have to start off with this.... take my advice with a grain of salt. This hits way too close to home for me. It sounds a lot like you are describing my ex, except thank God she didn't have a child and I was never stupid enough to intentionally have one with her and never careless/unfortunate enough to accidentally have one with her.

So, honest to God, my advice would be to end it. I would not recommend giving her a chance to improve, because chances are she WON'T improve. I must admit, that does come from my personal experience, so perhaps my opinion is biased. Far be it for me to advise somebody to end a relationship if they honestly DO think it is worth trying. I just know from experience that people like this often do not change. Much like your girlfriend, my ex seemed like an amazing person..... until we moved in together/got married. Then, all of a sudden things changed. It actually sounds a lot like your story except, thankfully for you, you didn't marry her.

In my book, it makes you an awesome guy that you are this concerned about the child especially considering this is not your child. Here's the thing.... it's just that. THIS IS NOT YOUR CHILD. Don't get me wrong, I understand what you are saying. If you leave the relationship, that also leaves the child without a father figure. The thing is, in the long run she will be MUCH better off without a father figure than with one who is desperate and miserable because of being stuck with her loser of a mother.

The child is her mother and father's responsibility, not yours. Not unless you legally adopted her, which it doesn't sound as though you have done. So, yes, it is a shame, but you need to worry as much about your own mental and physical health. If she is an unfit mother, leave it to the proper authorities to determine that. Or, maybe with no other choice this woman will be forced to shape the Hell up and grow up. (Frankly, I doubt it, though, but that cannot be your problem.)

You are NOT wrong to want to end the relationship. If the child were yours I'd still say the same thing, except then you would definitely need to be sure you still do your duties as a father. This is not your child, so you have no duties. Please do not allow yourself to be stuck in a terrible relationship like this. Take it from me, it ruins your life and turns you into somebody even you do not recognize. The good news is, it is never too late to fix that. Get out, and then take some time to re-learn how to be happy just with you. Take time to remember you are awesome and you deserve somebody who sees that. She has taken advantage of you, and you need never let that happen again. Good luck to you!

[bigumbang]

Thank you all for the replies and advice, especially you, Jester. All that is left is to carry the painful process out.

[woody]

Having been that young child in an eerily similar situation although by the time my step Dad left, I was eight, the reason I lost some respect for him (though I loved him to bits) was because he put up with turmoil at home (though I was too young to realize he did this in part for me) yet/and the day he finally said, 'enough', all that lost respect came back.
True, I lost him but he always found a way to check in on me now and then and to this day, I consider him one of my Fathers and i love him and miss him so. always will.

You do what is right for you. The little girl will be fine.

[eve.ashley]

wow, she has out you in a very unfair station.

end it, and keep in contact with the little girl if she allows you.

you are her loving ex step daddy, not her father, and you can only do so much.

also a burnout, unhappy step dad will not do her any good...

this woman is so unfair and toxic, end it ASAP!

[TheEvilJester]

Good points by Woody and Eve here. Points I also think I may have missed, so let me clarify. I will say, if you want to/feel it is right, it is perfectly okay for you to leave this woman, but ask to still occasionally be involved in the wee one's life. Mind you, you should not feel obligated to do so. Again, she is not your child, nor did you adopt her officially, so it is not your responsibility at all. However, if you do sort of feel fatherly towards her, there is no harm in trying to still be part of her life if that is what you want. Just realize you don't have any legal rights. If the mom says no, then there isn't much you can do.

That said, again, if you truly feel it would be better for the wee one if you just left completely, rather than leave but sort of act like a divorced dad, then you have to do what you think is right. You would not, in any way, be wrong if you chose to just leave the situation completely. So, it is up to you, really, and what feels right to you/what you want.

Good luck to you, friend.