Lost and Confused

[JessNC]

I guess I will start out with some background info on myself. I was married for 7 years and that was an emotionally, mentally and physhically abusive relationship, the only good thing from that is my son. After that I was in a 3 year relationship with a guy that promised me the world and I was head over heels in love but then he turned out to be liar and cheater. After those two relationships I swore I’d be single forever.

Just over a year ago me and my most recent ex started dating and I thought for sure this time I had found the man of my dreams. You could tell by how he looked at me that he truly loved me. He would do anything for me cook, clean, fixed stuff around the house and put in time and effort with my son. Everything was absolutely perfect and I was sure I had found the man I’d spend the rest of my life with.

I was working at a car lot when we met and first started dating. After about a month of dating he asked that I quit my job and come and work for him (he owns his own business) because he needed help. I thought sure, why not, he needs me I’m there. About a week or so later when I got out of the shower one evening he was standing at the foot of my bed looking pissed. He asked “who is James” I told him that “he was friend from school that I knew for 10+ years, why?” Because I went through your phone and was wondering why you were texting another man Happy Birthday. WHAT?!?! He was extremely upset that I sent a text saying Happy Birthday and received a response of a mere thank you. He went on to tell me that I didn’t need to be talking to any guys no matter how long I’ve known them because there is nothing any of those men can give me that he can’t. I also found out during that argument that the reason he asked me to quit my job wasn’t because he needed my but because I worked with all guys. At least every other I was being questioned or criticized because I didn’t think the way he did or react to things the way he would have. I kept telling myself to stand strong and eventually he will see that I’m not the kind of girl to go out and cheat, hell I worked and lived with him how could I have cheated if I wanted to.

My family and friends started to tell me that I wasn’t the same anymore and I didn’t feel the same. It was like I had no life anymore, I couldn’t do anything right it felt like and I think I started to become depressed. About 2 weeks ago I told him that I was signing back up for school and I did not get the reaction I was expecting! I wanted to hear a congrats, that’s great, glad to hear you want to better yourself BUT instead I got a 45 minute rant on how everybody he knows that has gone back to school whether it be a guy or girl has cheated on the person they were with. That was it for me! I told him I was done, that I couldn’t take the comments and arguing any longer.

Today I was at a gas station and I ran into my ex (only broke up 2 weeks ago) and we talked and caught up and as soon as I got back into my car I started crying like a baby. I missed him…. I missed us….. I miss waking up and hearing good morning beautiful and getting a kiss on the forehead. I do NOT however miss the arguments and possessiveness. I left that gas station so confused and not knowing what to do or feel at this point. Did I make the right choice by walking away? Should I give up all my male friends to make the relationship work? Am I picking other guys over the guy that loves me? I’ve felt a sense of relief since we broke up knowing that everything I do won’t be criticized but I noticed today after seeing him that I really miss him. Am I just scared of being alone? He says he can try to change but to me it seems like a state of mind that he has and I just don’t see him being able to get over his insecurities. Any kind of help or direction would be great. I feel like I should just let it go but at the same time I feel like I will never find love as real and pure as his.

Thank you in advance to all that decide to share their words of wisdom or encouragement with me. It is greatly appreciated!

[basilandthyme]

Hell yes! You did the right thing by walking away.

Him wanting you to quit your job and go work for him was red flag [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1]#1[/URL] . Him checking out your phone and getting angry because you texted a male friend Happy Birthday was red flag [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2]#2[/URL] and should have been a dealbreaker. In that conversation he showed that he was a complete nutter and well worth avoiding. No amount of perfect behaviour on your part will change the mind of a man who has this mindset.

As you are confusing his behaviour with 'pure love' and have a history of abusive relationships, I'm thinking that you don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. Did your parents have a dysfunctional relationship by any chance?

I would suggest that you do stay single for a while and use this time to learn about healthy relationships.

[JessNC]

My parents were separated by the time I was one and my mother was bad off on drugs and dropped me off at my grandmas at the age of 3. I was raised by her in single parent home and she was a widow before I was born and never dated anyone after her husband passed. I visited my father every other weekend who was remarried but I never saw my dad mad a day in his life. He was just a happy go lucky kind of guy.

I really appreciate your advice! Everything you've said I've thought about at some point but I ALWAYS find some way to tell myself that I'm crazy for thinking like that. But now that I think about it I probably have that mindset from the abuse in my marriage. Oh, boy this really opened my eyes to how F'd up I really am. Thank you so much again

[eve.ashley]

I guess I will start out with some background info on myself. I was married for 7 years and that was an emotionally, mentally and physhically abusive relationship, the only good thing from that is my son. After that I was in a 3 year relationship with a guy that promised me the world and I was head over heels in love but then he turned out to be liar and cheater. After those two relationships I swore I’d be single forever.

Just over a year ago me and my most recent ex started dating and I thought for sure this time I had found the man of my dreams. You could tell by how he looked at me that he truly loved me. He would do anything for me cook, clean, fixed stuff around the house and put in time and effort with my son. Everything was absolutely perfect and I was sure I had found the man I’d spend the rest of my life with.

I was working at a car lot when we met and first started dating. After about a month of dating he asked that I quit my job and come and work for him (he owns his own business) because he needed help. I thought sure, why not, he needs me I’m there. About a week or so later when I got out of the shower one evening he was standing at the foot of my bed looking pissed. He asked “who is James” I told him that “he was friend from school that I knew for 10+ years, why?” Because I went through your phone and was wondering why you were texting another man Happy Birthday. WHAT?!?! He was extremely upset that I sent a text saying Happy Birthday and received a response of a mere thank you. He went on to tell me that I didn’t need to be talking to any guys no matter how long I’ve known them because there is nothing any of those men can give me that he can’t. I also found out during that argument that the reason he asked me to quit my job wasn’t because he needed my but because I worked with all guys. At least every other I was being questioned or criticized because I didn’t think the way he did or react to things the way he would have. I kept telling myself to stand strong and eventually he will see that I’m not the kind of girl to go out and cheat, hell I worked and lived with him how could I have cheated if I wanted to.

My family and friends started to tell me that I wasn’t the same anymore and I didn’t feel the same. It was like I had no life anymore, I couldn’t do anything right it felt like and I think I started to become depressed. About 2 weeks ago I told him that I was signing back up for school and I did not get the reaction I was expecting! I wanted to hear a congrats, that’s great, glad to hear you want to better yourself BUT instead I got a 45 minute rant on how everybody he knows that has gone back to school whether it be a guy or girl has cheated on the person they were with. That was it for me! I told him I was done, that I couldn’t take the comments and arguing any longer.

Today I was at a gas station and I ran into my ex (only broke up 2 weeks ago) and we talked and caught up and as soon as I got back into my car I started crying like a baby. I missed him…. I missed us….. I miss waking up and hearing good morning beautiful and getting a kiss on the forehead. I do NOT however miss the arguments and possessiveness. I left that gas station so confused and not knowing what to do or feel at this point. Did I make the right choice by walking away? Should I give up all my male friends to make the relationship work? Am I picking other guys over the guy that loves me? I’ve felt a sense of relief since we broke up knowing that everything I do won’t be criticized but I noticed today after seeing him that I really miss him. Am I just scared of being alone? He says he can try to change but to me it seems like a state of mind that he has and I just don’t see him being able to get over his insecurities. Any kind of help or direction would be great. I feel like I should just let it go but at the same time I feel like I will never find love as real and pure as his.

Thank you in advance to all that decide to share their words of wisdom or encouragement with me. It is greatly appreciated!

please don't go back to him. he is isolating you from everyone.

he is constantly criticizing you and making you feel bad about yourself.

why would you want to share your life with such a person.

he is toxic and abusive.

i don't meant to analyze you, that be rude, since i am not a therapist, but you do have a history of going for abusive men.

look into it and work on that.

in a healthy state of mind, what your bf is doing would be deal breakers.

please, consider my honesty to be coming from a place of caring and compassion.

do not accept this man and selectively look only at nice things he does. judge him as a whole and, as a whole he is abusive, that is NEVER acceptable.

BTW, IT'S OK NOT TO KNOW WHAT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP IS. it's ok to have stuff wrong with us, we all do. especially the people who are quick to point out what is wrong with others and necessarily harsh about it.

we all have stuff wrong with us, and that's ok, and it's also ok to get help for it and heal it.

be strong and stay away from that toxic dude.

there are good people in this world, maybe they are minority but they do exist.

find them...never stop looking for them. *hug*

[Wakeup]

Well its only been two weeks since you broke up with him so it's quite normal that you still miss him. In time and with doing the mental work that you need to do to stop thinking about him and "what may be" you'll get over missing him just like you stopped missing all the other assholes you've managed to pick in your short lifetime.

You have a son and to even want to return to an abusive asshole that is showing you early the very first signs of a raving lunatic (obsessive jealousy and attempts at isolating you) makes me tell you that you should really consider getting some therapy to work through whatever happened in your past, your childhood, how you were brought up that has left you finding all these losers so attractive. Somewhere in there (your brain) you don't believe you have enough worth to be with a GOOD man who isn't issued.

I'm sorry you're hurting but in time and what you do with your time (self-improvement... start with googling "the importance of personal boundaries and read everything you can on that subject so that you hone good solid boundaries that you won't let anyone cross) Think of your son. Do you really want yet another piss poor male role model in his life? Surely you do not want him thinking that the way these men have treated you is how all women are to be treated? Love yourself enough to know that "missing him" will soon enough pass. And don't try to fool yourself into letting down what personal boundaries you DO have by telling yourself that you believe that he can change. Without his own personal therapy, he NEVER will.

Good luck, stay strong and stay gone.