How to totally Cut off Contact with Her?

[Infamus2]

Hi I'm new here, and here's my question. Since I started college back in January, me and this girl became friends fast, and I've developed feelings for her. We hang out all the time at school and we've hung out at her place, we just watch netflix nothing romantic or anything, we chat a lot on facebook too. She always mentions dates she goes on and guys she likes and it kinda bothers me because I've never been on a date before and I have a crush on her, I highly doubt she has any romantic feelings for me.

So my question is should I cut off all contact abruptly before the friendship gets any further? I've thought about quitting school to fully get away and because of my own anxieties but she always wants me to stay in school when I mention to her that I`m thinking about quitting (she doesn`t know the real reason I want to leave) but I want to cut off all communication quickly (facebook, getting a new phone number etc) to spare the heartache and I feel like she probably wouldn't care if I did cut off contact

[eve.ashley]

so you are quitting before you even properly tried.

try telling her how you feel. you can always cut her out and suffer, and eat tonnes of ice cream.

and you will suffer for a while and then be fine. get over it, but...

first, you fight for what you want.

romantic feelings are never set in stone...

they can be nurtured or killed....

nurture!

[Wakeup]

Don't tell her how you feel without first seeing if she's at least interested in going out on a real date with you instead of just hanging around doing nothing with her.

During your date attempt to hold her hand and if she doesn't let you then it means that she doesn't see you in a romantic light. That is when you should do the fade on her or you can tell her that you want to be more then a friend to her and it will be too hard to keep up the friendship if she isn't on the same page so you'll be going no contact at least until you can get your feeling under raps.

Don't confess feelings for someone who hasn't shown you that she at least has some of the same types of feeling for you. You'll be opening yourself up to being permanently friend zoned if you do that.

Google "Ladder Theory" and read up on what happens to guys that act like male girlfriends. Disregard the disrespectful to women tone though because that's just fluff.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed. I would definitely say you should not confess your feelings right off the bat. However, it sounds like she does not have a current steady boyfriend. You said she's gone on dates with guys. So, since it sounds like she perhaps does not have one special guy, why not ask her out and see how that goes? Heck, even if she has never thought of you as more than a friend before, that doesn't automatically mean she can't. You won't know unless you try. Maybe she will only want to be friends with you and nothing more, but you will never know unless you give it a shot.

My personal advice would be DO NOT just pull the "fade away." That is an immature and unfair way to end a relationship of any sort, be it a friend or a significant other. Unless maybe you were very casual friends who rarely see each other anyway. Then there isn't really any expectation of keeping regularly in touch. Friends lose touch sometimes. But you two are close friends. Simply disappearing on her would hurt her very much. Even worse than the hurt of losing somebody she thought was a good friend would be not having any reason why. I have had people pull that sh*t on me when I thought we were really good friends, and it SUCKS. I can tell you that from experience. In the end, it makes you hate the person. Sure, if you have to distance yourself from her, it will hurt at first, but in the end she will understand. If you just ditch her, she very likely will not. You'll ruin any chance you ever have of being her friend, or even possibly more if that ever became a possibility.

I will say this. If you do not think you can handle being just her friend, then you would be doing the right thing to distance yourself from her. But, since she doesn't seem to currently have a boyfriend, you need to at least give it a shot first. How much would you kick yourself if you decide to just disappear on her only to later find out she secretly felt the same way? So, take a chance. If it doesn't work out, then worry about whether or not you can see being just her friend. If she is not interested, and you feel like it would hurt you too much to be around her, but just as a friend, then distance yourself. But don't just do it without explaining to her. She deserves closure just as much as you do. Good luck, friend. I wish you the best. I hope it goes well.

[Wakeup]

I can tell you that from experience. In the end, it makes you hate the person.

Then it's "mission accomplished."

People who do the fade on you don't want you in their lives and they really don't care if you "hate" them... in fact, they think it would be in your own best interests if you did.

The whole point is to get someone out of your life that wants more then you do... not keep them around in some demoted state of buddy. When one does the fade naturally... then it's not even noticed. Disappearing altogether is another matter.

I DO agree with you that he shouldn't end something abruptly when he hasn't even attempted to figure out where her feelings for him are.

[TheEvilJester]

Oh, granted I am not arguing that people who use the fade away secretly care what the other person thinks. In fact, I think I pretty much said the opposite. People who do the fade away are selfish, thoughtless cowards who don't have the guts to just be honest with somebody, or even at least give them some kind of lame, white-washed "it's not you, it's me" type of excuse. Those type of answers aren't as helpful as a real honest explanation, but it is at least better than just pulling the "fade away."

Though, let me clarify that I do give SOME leniency to folks who may pull the "fade away" when there are very legitimate reasons they no longer want the person in their life. If somebody's done something bad to you, or something blatantly hurtful, then I can see no longer wanting them in your life, and I can see not feeling like they deserve an explanation why. Heck, if they did something deliberately hurtful, maybe they DESERVE the hurt and confusion of wondering why you pulled your little disappearing act.

But, if somebody has otherwise been a good friend, good date, or whatever and maybe you two just aren't a good match for whatever reason, then they at least deserve the consideration for you to stop being a coward and just be honest. It will hurt, sure, but it will hurt a Hell of a lot less than wondering what the Hell went wrong and never getting any explanation.

This is most definitely an example of where the "fade away" would VERY much be the wrong move. She didn't do anything to him. She didn't deliberately do anything nasty, anything to hurt him, treat him like crap, etc. She's been nothing but a good friend. So, he'd be wrong just to fade away if he has feelings that she does not share.

For the record, though, it sounds like he has yet to even bother to ask her out. So, certainly he should at least try to ask her out on a date first. Who knows? Maybe she's been secretly wishing he would. Or maybe she's never thought of it before, but would like the idea if she did. Or, it could also be possible she only thinks of him as a friend and wouldn't want to risk that by dating. OP, you'll never know if you don't try. So, before giving up without a fight, at least give it a shot.