Stay or leave?

[hopeforlove]

Apologies in advance for the length of this post and the back story involved until I get to my point and I guess question.

Myself and my partner have been together now for two years almost to the day (give or take a couple of weeks) we had a very much whirlwind beginning in the sense that we met and things moved very quickly. We had what I though great sexual and intimate relationship. We spent all the free time we had together and spent most nights together. After around 4 months we moved into a flat together and things remained good. We did go through a short spell of trying a polyamorous relationship with another girl and things were hard and ended up pretty messy but we got through it and seemed stronger than ever. We agreed that we would remain monogamous and have both been pretty good with it though not perfect.

Shortly after that my partner was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 which was hard for her to accept. We have come to the conclusion over time that bipolar is not really an accurate diagnosis and it is more likely she has personality disorder cause by a number of childhood traumas that have been enhanced and reinforced through her actions as an adult.

The short version of her childhood is that her father left when she was very young and her mother bounced from one unstable relationship to another one of which she was intimidated sexually by a step brother.
Fast forwarding to being an adult my partner also followed in her mother’s footsteps and bounced from one bad relationship to another. If the relationship was not bad she would create destructive situations that would make it bad in order to recreate her childhood.

When the relationship was not providing the bad feelings that she craved she turned to having sex for money as that gave her the feelings that she desired.
As it transpires when we first got together she was using me to get the bad feelings she desired from sex. We have now identified this and it has left us in the situation where she does not feel like she can have a relationship with me let alone have sex. Although she is a woman she has the emotional relationship maturity of a 14 year old which has been very challenging.
We are now at the point where I have moved out of the home we had together as she was finding me being around full time too hard to deal with. So I obliged and moved out. Then she decided she could not have a relationship at all but wanted to remain friends which went on for a few weeks until I was honest with her and myself that friendship was not enough and was too hard for me to only remain friends. We agreed that we would go back to having a more full relationship which worked for a few months.
We are now in the situation where she has basically told me that she does not want to have sex. With me or anyone. She has not lost her libido as she still masturbates daily if not multiple times a day. She says she feels like she never wants to have sex again.

It may be selfish but I don’t want a relationship that does not include sex and intimacy. I have accommodated every change and request in order to save our relationship but I can’t continue denying what I want. I love her and want her. I am now in a situation where I love someone and want to be with someone that can’t give me what I want or need and I don’t know if she ever will be able to. Do I leave? Will it get better and I regret leaving and may well have moved on by then? Do I stay and continue to hope? Will I regret wasting the time if it never gets better?

Help.

[woody]

Though I don't know how long a time its been since she began withholding intimacy of a sexual nature from you, I'd say if hasn't been too long, seems she's come leaps and bounds thus so far. (has she had any therapy yet)

I'd say, if its not been too long, give it some time. She may break on through sooner than you think. But yes, if she hasn't spoken with a therapist yet, if she can, she ought do so. Yet it does sound like you've both recognized some patterns and that's progress.
That being said however, you must do what is right for you. Being part of someone else's emotional roller coaster is taxing on the heart and soul and can ware a good man/woman down. Watch out for that.

hope others can offer you more here.

[Wakeup]

You need to get help for your white knight syndrome, your need to caretake, your lack of love of self and your (dare I say it again) total codependent personality.

You do know that any man that was not with the issues I mention about would leave a woman that is damaged and needs fixing. He would not stay (even if he loved her) because he would know that no matter what he did to please her, she would just need something else that would make him jump through hoops to achieve.

You would do very well to take this story of yours to a different forum board called BPDfamily. [url=http://bpdfamily.com/]BPDFamily | Borderline Personality Disorder[/url]

Here is a link to their forum board that includes codependent partners of BPDisordered folks and BPD'ers themselves. You'll get more understanding there.

[url=http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/]BPDFamily.com - Boards[/url]

If you love yourself then you will do the work you need to do to get past what ails you (those things that don't make your flight response kick in when you're in danger. Which in this case you are in danger of losing yourself and becoming just as sick as she is if you stay and try and adjust to what ails her)

Love has nothing to do with whether or not you should stay. Everyday people leave people they still love when their own mental and/or emotional health is being whittled away one psychotic episode at a time.

Learn to stop wanting instant gratification and never, ever move yourself in with someone you don't even know. You've found out too late that she can't be fixed which made it much harder for you to distance yourself from her when you've been co-habituating.

- - - Updated - - -

If you know anything about personality disorders you will know that "time" won't change a thing. Even more times then not when the BPD'er is in therapy it will take years and years before there is any improvment to their stunted emotional growth. Thinking that with time it will change is futile... In time the issue may change but that's about all.

Get out now and stay out. Cut all contact so that she can't hoover you back in for more dysfunction. Love yourself enough to do that.