New to this....Need some advice if possible

[heartbroken23]

hello im new to this forum and i recently wrote on someone elses thread and sure didnt mean to. i just need some advice on something. i met this guy in 2012 i was 20 and he was 19. we started to hang out and then became inseperable. he stayed with me weeks at a time (never was intimate, only kissed and cuddled), but i would take him back and forth to work. well i started to fall madly in love with him and he i know he felt something too but he never would admit it. it hurt but i accepted it. then we started fighting like a married couple then we would make up a few days later. i was so in love then he ended up getting married and i never knew until i saw it on fb from his wife. now they have a child. im still madly in love with him and i hate it. i want to get over him so bad. i havent spoke to him in over a year. i dont want to be a home wrecker. i dont want him to leave his family that wouldnbe horrible and selfish of me. i just need advice on how to officially get over him. we havent been in contact and i dont want to be. i just want to be happy again. i want him and his little family to be happy also. i just need help to get over this. and people have said he wont leave his wife and baby for me and i dont want that ever in a million years. im trying to get over what we had. HELP ME PLEASE.

[tuscany80]

hey there - coming from someone who dated a married man with kids before, run in the opposite direction. Don't go there. You are young, and have many years ahead of you to find someone who will make you happy and fall in love again. There's billions of guys out there, forget this one. He is now married with a kid, forget it and move on.

[heartbroken23]

its just so hard when you love someone. i dont want to be with him bc he has a family and im not that kind of person but ive tried so hard to let go of the feelings and the past but i just cant seem to do so.

[tuscany80]

best way to get over someone is to get under someone Forget him babe xx

[Nosocomos]

Hey Heartbroken23,

I'm new to this site as well, and yours is the first message I opened. I just had to register so I could respond to this thread.

First, I'm sorry for what you're going through with this guy and from the sounds of it, you're still pretty hooked after a year. After reading your post, I felt as if you see him frequently, have mutual friends that can relay information, as if you still have him on your facebook, or have some other way of being in contact/"in the know". Also, don't take offense to this, but do you really want it to be over? Or is some part of you basically wanting advice to that tells you it's okay to be a "homewrecker". The stages after a breakup are similar to the stages of loss and grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. From the sounds of it you've successfully passed denial and anger and are currently dealing with bargaining and depression (not that you can't be in all four at once. The next step is accepting it and it could be the hardest.

Now it's time to get to and conquer the last stage so that you can move on and I'd like to give you advice I've learned:

You have to let go of the contact with him and that means to resist the urge to ask a friend how he's doing, or spending time on his facebook. You HAVE to essentially let go of him, accept it's over for you, and for him. It will also help his marriage with his wife as it removes at least some temptation (though your focus should be on the benefits for you).
Remove his name/number from your phone.
Remove pictures or other items that are his, you got while you were with him, or things that remind you of him like shirts, hats, things that smell like him, anything you keep just to hang on to him.
There are usually self esteem issues following a breakup, from both sides and regardless of who initiated it. Realize that while he isn't the one for you, there is someone out there for you and you DO deserve them. I'm not saying they're easy to find, or keep them once you've gotten them, but someone will make you his world and you won't have to hurt so much.

Another thing is don't listen to tuscany, lol. It's easy to stop thinking about someone when you make bad decisions since you're emotional, and now you're worried about that one. Take some time for you. Find out where you are in your life, and where you want to be going. What do you WANT and be honest with yourself. If you are not happy your job then go back to school, get a better job and get help if you don't know how to go forward. Your life doesn't have to be perfect, but you should be happy. Others can see when you're happy, and it makes them want you and what you have, and I mean share your love, happiness, and personality not your money...etc.

Just remember that this is just the opinion and advice of a stranger but I feel that it's sound . As well, only you and this guy know the exact details of your relationship, so anybody that gives advice is giving generalized advice, and everything said should be taken lightly. If you have any other questions, let me know.

[basilandthyme]

its just so hard when you love someone. i dont want to be with him bc he has a family and im not that kind of person but ive tried so hard to let go of the feelings and the past but i just cant seem to do so.

What have you done to try and get over him? Is he still on your social media?

[Wakeup]

First thing you need to do is to stop obsessively thinking about him. You should consciously change the subject of him to something else when he pops into your head. You've made thinking about him your favorite past time which has kept you mired in your "limerence."

Google "Limerence" and read the Wiki link on it. Maybe if you know what you're experiencing, you'll be able to overcome it quicker. You also need to stop creeping his wife's facebook. (if you've been doing that)
If you are doing that, it is also keeping him mired front and centre in your thoughts. The object is to forget him and get yourself to the stage of indifference to him.

How did you meet this guy and how was he able to spend weeks at a time at your home? Why did you drive him back and forth to work? How come you never took your little cuddle fests to the next level?