Need help/courage: Should I break up/how?

[GeanBean23]

I've been dating this guy on and off for almost 3 years. In that time, we've had a lot of fights due to my lying by omission. There always little things that look like big deals when they're being hidden. Like talking with male friends etc. The latest is during our last breakup, I had to move out of my moms house due to an emergency. I ended up renting a room in a friend of a friends apartment. I chose not to tell my then ex, now boyfriend again, because he has some pretty bad anger issues.

His anger is the main reason I don't tell him a lot of things. But when he finds out about things I've omitted, hell hath no fury. This past time regarding my living situation ended up with him thinking I was cheating on him and he called me terrible things and verbally harassed me before I could even explain my situation. Things like "f***ing kill yourself... you slut... terrible human being" and threatening to find out where I am and beat up the guy. I filed a PFA against him because I was so scared. Like an idiot and out of guilt I withdrew it. The judge thought that was a bad idea. Even though he's never been physically abusive, he has a history of being verball violent and punching walls. Getting drunk sometimes and if someone says the wrong thing about me he tries to fight them.

I have severe anxiety. I was raised by a narcissist mother and my father died when I was very young. I have a problem letting go and ending things. I'm scared of making the wrong choice, the finality of never seeing the man I've made so many memories with over the years, and deep down I still love him very much. The chemistry is there and he's charming and sweet and lovey about 85% of the time. Until he remembers something I did like two years ago or the fact that I still talk to his friends that have abandoned him because they all think he's manipulative and a terrible person and that our relationship is parasitic. Then he gets furious and I feel terrible guilt and a fearful of loss.

I need lady balls. I need to end things. I love him so much, but this is SO unhealthy. I know this. Even though our goals align, the chemistry is there, and when we're great its GREAT. But I also have some of my worst memories with him... Help. How do I gather the courage to do this? Should I end things?

[basilandthyme]

GeanBean, it sounds like you've done counselling. I hope you're continuing to this day.

I fully support you in leaving this situation, but if you can't do this on your own then I suggest you have professional support by your side.

[TheEvilJester]

I do think it is a good idea for you to get/continue counseling for yourself. It sounds like you have issues of your own you need to deal with so you do not make similar mistakes throughout the rest of your life. On the plus side, it sounds like you are aware of this and own up to it.

Now, on the surface, I might be tempted to say you shouldn't hide things from/lie to your significant other. In this case, I think I'd actually turn it around and say that you shouldn't have to feel like you HAVE TO hide things from/lie to your significant other. It sounds like this guy has way overblown reactions even to things that shouldn't be nearly as big a deal as he makes them out to be. Furthermore, it sounds like he has anger issues. If he's proven himself violent, even if only against inanimate objects such as a wall, it is not far-fetched to think he may eventually lose control and become violent against you.

It doesn't matter if he is normal, loving, wonderful, etc. 85% of the time, 95% of the time, Hell, 99.999999% of the time. If he gets violently angry, that is a problem, especially given how easy it sounds like he does. He needs to deal with his anger issues, but let that be his problem. It should not have to be yours. So, for your own safety, I think it would be best to leave him behind. Maybe he'll get the help he needs, and if he does, SINCERELY does, then maybe you re-consider his value in the future. For now, though, probably in your best interest just to move on and forget him. Look for a guy who will treat you right. If fate should decide that he will eventually become that guy in the future, great, but don't wait around hoping he will. You may be missing out on Mr. Right by waiting for Mr. Anger Management to turn into Mr. Right.

[Wakeup]

You should google "How to leave a toxic relationship and stay gone" and educate yourself.

You should also read everything you can on the "importance of personal boundaries" so that you start to hone yours. Anyone who has good personal boundaries and a solid sense of self would have left this douche after the second time he became unreasonable, verbally abusive, violent. The first time he did they would have told him that his behaviour is unacceptable and they would have told him if it happens again, your gone... and they would have actually left... not just given him lip service that they would.

Work on yourself and do it with him NO LONGER in your life. Zero contact is the only way for you to rehab from your addiction to him being in your life.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed here. When anything in a relationship seems unhealthy like this kind of explosive anger, you really are much better off not taking a chance. Maybe the guy is more in control of it than he seems and would never hurt you.... but is that really a chance you want to take? Is that a lesson you want to possibly learn the hard way?