What is he thinking?????

[clarabellew]

Okay. I recently dated a local guy I met on Plenty of Fish (POF) for two months. It was genuinely great. However, he's having huge problems sorting his financial agreement and divorce out. His parents (who he's staying with) are being difficult. And he's having problems with his staff. He's not coping well and is stressed. A week and a half ago he ended it as he couldn't see a future for us at the moment, it just didn't feel right like it did before and he was under a lot of stress, etc. It was nothing we'd done, we got on well and he thought I was great. He wanted to stay friends.

Days later, his best friend Katie, who I had never spoken to/met, contacted me. She said he doesn't know what he wants relationship wise, he's having a difficult time and he needs to get things sorted so that he can move on. She told me not to wait for him as I deserve better - I said I wasn't going to, but if I was still free when he's sorted himself out, I'd like to think we could have a fresh start. She said she would like to think so too. Katie and I got on well and are now friends.

Anyway, he went back on POF and was talking on Whatsapp a lot. I had no contact with him for a week, but sent him a text last Thursday asking how he was. We each replied a few times, but then he stopped (and I didn't chase him). Late on Sunday night, I emailed him on Facebook Messenger with a long email telling him everything from my side as when he ended it, we didn't actually really discuss it. I didn't ask for anything, I didn't ask to get back together - I just wanted to tell him my thoughts and feelings.

However, I've noticed that since then, he's hardly on POF - he goes on a few times a day but only for 5 minutes or so. He's is not really talking to anyone on Whatsapp - he goes on every hour or two but only for a couple of seconds (he could be check if I've been on). The only person he seems to talk to since then is Katie and I know coz I can see her online too and I'm usually talking to her. He read my Messenger email last night, but as yet as not responded.

I'm not sure what to make of this. I'm wondering why, after going back on POF and obviously talking to someone (or several) on Whatsapp, why's he gone so quite? Is he thinking about me, regretting his decision and giving it some thought? He hasn't replied yet - but is he thinking about and likely to respond? Is he thinking about what to say? Do I just need to be patient? Or is he most likely just not going to respond?

[basilandthyme]

Oh Clara, please stop stalking the poor guy and trying to analyse his moves. I know it's tough, but you need to move on. Watching how often he's online is just going to do your head in. Unfollow him so that you can't see his moves.

I don't buy that he's too busy and stressed to have a relationship with you. I think that you simply weren't "the one" and that the other issues in his life provided a great excuse. I know you feel bad that the end wasn't discussed, but if a person has no doubt that they want to end it, they don't need to have a discussion about it.

Time to move on. Plenty more fish in the sea.

[clarabellew]

He did reply to my long message, last night. Went along the same lines as when he ended it. Not a lot more he could say, he agreed 100% with some of what I had said, less so with other parts. He said he thought I was worth it, I am a fantastic person and he really wants to stay friends but as it stands now for him that's all he thinks it will be. He said he was sorry about what's happened and he can't apologise enough for hurting me.

I know it appears this way, but I'm not actually stalking him - I talk to about 4 of my friends a lot on Whatsapp and so when I do that, I can also see when he's on, etc.

I guess what I'm struggling with is the fact that before things started kicking off with his wife and he started having a nightmare with that, our relationship was genuinely fab. He was so so attentive, really into me, very enthusiastic. Went out of his way for us to spend time together, etc. Far more than I did - he was the pro-active one. I don't get how that changed so quickly and how none of that seems to mean anything to him now??

[Wakeup]

It was two months of him chasing you and now its stopped. That's the beginning, the middle and the end of your story with him. You're far better off without him.

1. He's still very much married as he's only separated and for all you know there could be either years of drama as they go through everything they need to go through to sever or he could very well get back with her. You're a rebound and if he's still on POF then he's on the scout again for someone who isn't going to get too involved. FWB or FB's is what that site is famous for so watch who you're talking to and make sure they are completely divorced before you start to get emotionally involved. A good way to scout that out is to not go to bed with any of them until they've taken you to their home at least or waiting to be introduced to their friends first.

I think its really a red flag as well that he had his female friend contact you. Does he know that she did that or did she take it upon herself and who TF is she to even get involved. She's now your friend? Really? Have you gone out with her or are you talking another "chat" buddy. How did she happen to correspond with you? Was it through POF as well if not, how did she get your contact information if you had never met her?

Huge fishy going on. Somethings are just not adding up.

Neither here nor there though. I agree with Basil, you should just block and delete the turd so that you can't see him scouting for non-committed sexual partners on POF or any other social media site for that matter.

He isn't in a good spot emotionally to be dating if what he said to you is the truth so pray tell, WTF is he on a dating site... you do the math.

[clarabellew]

To answer point 1.) He's been separated just over two years, and he left her. From what I've been told by various people, it was difficult, and she is still being ridiculously difficult. And the financial stuff, childcare and divorce stuff has been half-heartedly rumbling on for about 18 months of that. I'm not sure what triggered him to kick start it and try to get it all moving in a serious fashion this time whilst he was with me. But you are right - this could continue on for years to come. I've been through it already, so I know. I know how it could go. And so does he. I don't think I'm the rebound; he's had several first dates, but not had a spark with any and never seen them again. Perhaps he's on POF again as a rebound from me, I don't know. You know how guys can be with denial.... lol.

And to let you know, given that we grew up around the corner from each other (but never actually met as he's four years older), our families have known each other well for many years. So pretty much everything I know is genuine and true.

With regards to Katie, his best friend, she contacted me without him knowing at first. He had spoken to her lots about me (always very positively) and she knew that he and I were friends on Facebook. So she messaged me on there. We exchanged a load of messages, and she invited me over to her apartment for a coffee and chat the next day. Just before I got there, she told him about it. Apparently, she had wanted to meet me but then he'd told her we'd split up, so she thought about it and contacted me anyway as she thought we had lots in common (which we do). He'd been fine with that and told her to tell me he said hi.

I must admit, I am struggling to get my head around it. My best friend is a guy - that's like if he came to me after seeing a girl for two months and said it was over and he would not consider getting back together, me going to her and befriending her and giving her hope. I just wouldn't do it, I'd leave well alone. He's my friend, not the girl, especially if I've never spoken to or met her??

I'm seeing Katie again on Saturday. We've messaged on and off this week, but neither of us has mentioned him.

You're right though, it doesn't seem as if he's in a good emotional and mental place. To a degree, he knows that. Interestingly, another close friend of both our families (who's sons are good friends with this guy) says that she's not sure if he has an actual mental health condition, but he does not cope well with problems, or issues or conflict, etc. Apparently, when he left his wife, he was right on the very verge of a complete breakdown. So, I'm thinking he's heading there again?

You're right though - none of this makes any sense???!!!