Most confusing situation I've ever been in... could it all really be just a "joke"?

[thatoneguy555]

So I've been friends with someone for about a year and a half now, and to say that our friendship is complicated is an understatement. We're two guys. I'm bisexual (only out to a few people), and I don't know what he is honestly.

For a good 6 or so months, I was constantly struggling to figure out if he liked me or not. He'd constantly touch me, tease me or compliment me, and say/do many suggestive things. To keep it short, I'll list a few examples: He's grabbed my hand and kissed it multiple times, he's given me a forehead kiss and said goodnight, he's held my hand in a sneaky manner numerous times, said/asked things such as "why do we have so much sexual tension?" "if I was gay and in the closet and I came out to you, how would you react?" "if I could watch one person getting head, it'd be you" "if you could make out with one guy in this group, who would it be?" "sometimes, I just want to love you" "I wish I could just be in your arms forever" "Why do you have a crush on me?" "if you don't eat this I'm going to have sex with you... okay that was weird" etc. etc.

He'd constantly say "I love you" to me, we'd constantly hug (and I mean constantly, for both the hugging and the "I love you"'s) and sometimes for over a minute, we'd stare and follow each other around, etc.

He'd want me to come with him absolutely everywhere, including one-person bathrooms, and if I ever ignored him he'd get depressed and would have all of his attention on me. He'd do things like look at me from across a room, blow a kiss at me, I'd blow one back, and he'd grab it and rub it on his face.

And we'd also CONSTANTLY get comments from people. Practically every time we'd hug or stare or talk, we'd get comments such as "are you guys gay?" "wtf?" "what the hell was that?" "okay... I'll leave you guys alone in your love fest" "okay, seriously... SERIOUSLY ARE YOU GUYS GAY?" etc. etc.

I tried to hint things for a bit, I sent a text saying "I love you I don't care if this is gay" once and I didn't get a text back, and I also asked him about why he said we have sexual tension, and the first time he asked, he just said "don't change the subject, don't change the subject." The second time I asked, he said "IT WAS A JOKE!"

So one day I decided I couldn't take it anymore, because he'd flirt with me so much and yet still act interested in girls, so I came out to him, and he said everything was a joke and that he only thinks of me as a friend.

Then, as months went by, he said things like "it was all a joke," "I had no idea," etc.

And a few months ago, he said "when I was flirty with you," referring to our friendship. A month or so later he clarified that he meant "unintentional flirtiness."

This doesn't make sense to me, because every time we see each other, one of us will stare at the other from across the room, the other will catch the stare and look back, we'll do a serious stare or smile at each other, then look away, then look back, etc. We do this all the damn time. We stare at each other a hell of a lot.

We'll constantly do this, we'll constantly tease each other, and we constantly pay attention to each other or crave the other's attention. If I'm doing something else at a hangout, he'll randomly say my name, or look at me and say something, pretty much anything to get my attention.

When we tease each other, we make fun of each others' hair, or facial imperfections, our voices, our faces, our hobbies, things that we like, etc. etc.

And for example, the other day, we were at a restaurant and he chose to sit across from me, and when I was concentrating on my menu, he said something to me, I didn't respond, he kept saying my name, I quickly responded to him, then a minute or so later he started hitting my menu, then took the straw away from my drink while I was drinking it.

When I was in a store with him and a few other friends the other day, I noticed wherever I was walking he'd follow, and also make stupid comments just to get my attention.

Sometimes if I'm staring at something in his direction, I could tell that he looks at me to see if I'm staring, look away, then look back again (maybe to get my attention), then look away again.

He's also made strange comments recently, such as "hey did you know that everyone is attracted to you?.... in a physics sense, not a liking sense" (goofy smile)

Also, I can't confirm this but I'm about 99% sure he's seen me have boners around him. I remember once about a month ago I got out of his car with a boner and I'm almost 100% positive that I saw him look at me from top to bottom, but made a stop at my crotch.

And I've talked to his ex along with a girl he's hooked up with, and they both claim that he's acted in the same way with me as he has with them, except even more intense (minus the hooking up).

Basically, long story short, even after basically rejecting me and claiming everything is a joke, and after me telling him what I consider is flirty, and telling him that he treats me like girls he's had things with... we still stare at each other constantly, we still constantly tease each other (by the way, I've told him before that I consider this as flirty), we still constantly pay attention to each other, but still nothing.

I don't get it. Could it just have all been a joke? Could this still be just a joke and he's just still unaware that it's very flirty? Is all of these signs of attraction really just in my head? How can I get to him, make him comfortable, and progress? Do I just not think about it and continue flirting?

[thatoneguy555]

Anyone have any opinions?

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, none of that sounds like "just a joke" to me. I mean, yes, sometimes two male friends joke around as though they are a couple and DO mean it as just a joke. The thing is, they don't take it to that level. Think of it this way, if you were a girl and a guy and either of you was acting the way he was, what would people's assumption be? That they are a couple, or at the very least, that they are attracted to each other.

Why would that be any different when you are two guys? I'm a straight male, and while I may joke around with my male friends about that to some degree, I wouldn't kiss them on the head, kiss them on the hand, hold their hand, or most of the other things you describe. Heck, I wouldn't do most of that stuff with a female friend either, unless I liked her.

So, let's examine the possible options, at least as far as I see them.

A) He was just joking around and meant nothing by it. If that is the case, then I don't see how any normal human being could not see how inappropriate his actions were, and how easily he could have given you the wrong impression. So, based just on that, this is not somebody I'd want in my life at all.

B) He DOES like you and DOES want to be more than friends but either cannot admit it to himself, or isn't yet open with the world about himself and isn't ready to be. If that is the case, you certainly cannot blame him for being reluctant to be so open with the world about his life. I'd like to believe we live in an open-minded world these days, but the truth is there are still plenty of bigots and a-holes out there.

All the same, even if you can understand it, that doesn't make it okay for him to play with your heart and emotions. If he's gay or bi-sexual but isn't yet ready to be open with the world about it, that is fine and that is understandable. But, if that is the case, he needs to either decide if he is so adamant about being secretive about it that he won't even allow himself to have a relationship yet, or if he can at least open up to that one person.

Because, right now from your story, it sounds to me like he does like you like you, but isn't willing to be honest about that with the world, with himself, or even with you. Bottom line, that is not okay.

So, I wish I could offer different advice, but I think no matter the reason, it sounds like you'd be better off removing him from your life. If he wants to be just friends, it would be okay to do so if he acted as though you were just friends. If he wants to be more than friends, then he needs to man up and go for it. It's not okay to play around with you no matter his intentions.

Good luck to you.

[TablesandChairs]

Well, no straight guy I know would 'joke' around like that - nothing close to it. He's obviously confused, in the closet...whatever it might be. But from what you're saying, it's very, very unlikely he's exclusively into girls.

[basilandthyme]

I'm going to say that all his outrageous flirting was him testing the water. Given that the two of you haven't gotten it together, think that you didn't respond appropriately and he's now trying to cover his tracks.

If you are interested in a person, here's how to respond to such flirting

"why do we have so much sexual tension?" Because we're so hot

"if I was gay and in the closet and I came out to you, how would you react?" I'd kiss you

"if I could watch one person getting head, it'd be you" I'd rather it be you giving me head

"if you could make out with one guy in this group, who would it be?" Well that's a no brainer

"sometimes, I just want to love you" (in this case say nothing - just hug)

"I wish I could just be in your arms forever" Sounds good to me

"Why do you have a crush on me?" Because I think you're amazing

"if you don't eat this I'm going to have sex with you..." (you throw the food away)

Mate, people flirt for a reason. If you want something to happen, you've got to pick up the cues and run with them....but you missed the boat. About the only option left to you now is to put yourself on the line and tell him how you feel

[TheEvilJester]

That's actually a good point, basil. I tend not to think of that kind of thing because I don't really know how to flirt either. LOL! Thatoneguy didn't really explain what his reactions were to each of those situations, though. Maybe he DID flirt back but it still went nowhere.

But, you do make a good point. If thatoneguy didn't really respond to this fella's flirtatious advances, then maybe he took it to mean the feelings weren't reciprocated, so it caused him to retreat a little.

IF that was the case, though, then it then doesn't make it any more right the way he acted when thatoneguy finally asked him about it. Granted, I could understand maybe he felt hurt and reacted that way out of instinct. I can understand that, but it still doesn't make it okay.

[thatoneguy555]

I love you guys for these responses!

Also, I'd like to update that I had a text conversation with my friend who is in my group and sees us on average once a week and she said

"It's noticeable when we all hang out you guys linger and it's just like "what's going on...?" and for people who don't know about the situation between you two I don't know how they see it"
"I notice that you guys do flirt and linger around each other at hangouts and whatnot, and you guys kinda don't leave each other alone"
"Idk what's going on in his mind or what he's feeling but it's wrong of him to do this and then say no nothing's happening or I'm just trying to be friends or whatever"

so honestly guys... WHAT THE HELL DO I SAY/DO

[TheEvilJester]

I don't know, I mean I think you've said and done what you should say and do. You finally asked him about it and he tried to play it off like he just wants to be friends and just meant it all in jest. You're not buying that, apparently your other friends are not buying that... Hell, we, a bunch of random strangers on the World Wide Interwebs doohickey are not buying.

....But what are you going to do? Interrogate him? Torture him? (I can offer advice on torture methods. ....Wait.... I mean..... no I can't.) If he's not willing to be honest about it, then unfortunately you cannot force his hand.

Granted, there is still the possibility that he WAS just kidding around. I find that highly doubtful, but it is possible. If that truly is the case, then he's a jerk in my opinion. But, perhaps that is just me. I know if somebody I kind of liked was all over me like this (I'm a straight male, so in my case it would be a woman, but in my eyes it is no different either way) I know I would sure as Hell think they liked me as more than a friend..... and that is coming from a guy with such a low self-esteem that he finds it nearly impossible to believe anybody could think of him that way.

So, if somebody acted like that to me and it all turned out to be a big joke, I think I may well need to be restrained out of concern that there would perhaps very soon be one less douche-bag littering this world.

I guess, if anything, maybe you should tell him that you aren't comfortable acting like this unless it means something more. If he really HAS just been joking around, then the jokes needs to stop. I just don't even know if it is worth it in my personal view. I mean, if it were just a little light flirting/teasing, I could excuse that as just being an innocent joke. This was NOT just light flirting/teasing. Who would NOT think he liked you as more than just a friend as result of his actions?

So sorry that this has happened to you. I know what it is like having somebody pretend to be really close to you (as a friend or as more) just to suddenly and for seemingly no reason pull a complete 180. Not that it is an easy decision, but maybe you need to ponder whether he's worth having in your life after all. Good luck to you. Either way, I hope you find the right partner for you soon enough, be they male or female. Whatever makes you most happy, I wish you the best luck in finding them.

[thatoneguy555]

So I confronted him via text on why he specifically chose me to help him on a research paper on gay rights (a topic that he chose), and he said "because you're a good writer that's it"

Really? He expects me to believe that? And if this was genuine, he'd acknowledge it was insensitive of him.