Some advice, please & thank you.

[Pride4o8]

What's up everyone? I'm new here, & I would love some advice if you have the time.


So I met this girl online. We texted, met for coffee, then she suggested lunch during the week. I took that as a good sign, & we continued to text almost everyday. We met for lunch on a Thursday & it was great. I asked her to dinner on sat but she had plans, but she suggested next weekend. We continued to text & I tried to keep it playful.

She suggested we get dinner while we watched the warriors game at a bar on sun. It went about as good as I could've hoped for. We talked & teased each other during the commercials, I made it a point to try to make physical contact whenever possible, & I got a nice hug after walking her back to her car.

It goes without saying that I thought things were going great between us. But this week, although we continued to text as before, she said she had a birthday party to go to on sat & had to run a lot of errands when I asked her to watch game 5 on sun. & she failed to suggest another time to go out.

I consider myself very intuitive & I know this is a horrible sign. Normally it wouldn't phase me but I'm really into this girl, & would like to get us back on the right track if at all possible, which is the purpose of this post.

So I wanted to make her miss me so I tried backing off from the texting, & it has seemed to work a little. She still texts me regularly, & is as attentive as always when I do text her, always getting back to me within 10 min, which confuses me. If she has lost interest wouldn't she try to fade away? Needless to say, it's pretty frustrating trying to figure out where I'm at. I want to continue to see her but I'm really hesitant about asking her again, since she should be the one to make a plan since she's busy right? It's only Friday, but I'm one who likes to have a plan going forward.

What's your opinion on my situation guys?

Some info regarding the girl...she's originally from Hong Kong but has been living here for 15 years. I felt this is relevant since asian girls have a whole different mindset when it comes to dating vs. American girls. I've dated many Americanized asian girls & even they differ in so many ways from the ones that weren't born here in the us.

She's also very careful & cautious when it comes to certain things, such as not revealing her actual dob, & only telling me it's in August after I told her my exact dob. She also is very inexperienced in relationships. She won't reveal the exact #, but she said it's "less than five" & her last relationship lasted 5 yrs, which ended a year ago .

She's also somewhat self-deprecating in that I'll catch her putting herself down once in a while. She has made it a point to tell me she used to be overweight. She now goes to the gym regularly &
she's totally hot in my eyes.

& not only is she hot, I'm really into her personality & just feel like I'm falling for her. I rarely feel this way, but I really think she could be the one for me.

I have a lot of questions...

What should I do?

Am I possibly making myself too available?

How should I handle it when she puts herself down? Should I re-assure her that she looks great or try to change the subject? I used to think she was fishing for compliments so I would give in once in a while, but it seems she has a hard time accepting them.

This is an extremely timely matter, as I don't want to blow it with this girl. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks to anyone reading this...

[Wakeup]

IF you're going to ask her out again and she balks, has an excuse but doesn't give you a time that is good for her then: Next her.

If she was interested in more then you paying for her dinner she would have (as you intuitively know) asked to reschedule. Don't bother texting her anymore. If she accepts another invitation from you, then you'd do well to do something inexpensive because my "Just-meeting-men-on-line-to-get-dinner" warning bell is chiming.

BTW: When you re-assure her when she puts herself down you're putting yourself in the friend-zone. Just ignore her bullshit fishing and only compliment her when she hasn't said anything negative about herself... If you be silly and continue to have this budding text buddy/Thanks for feeding my ego relationship you're currently establishing with her while you don't get to spend quality time with her.

[Khocie]

I think at this point letting her contact you while you play the ignore game might make you lose her, girls no matter the nation or race they have they love to be chased, or should i say won. We believe you need to do more than enough to show that you are serious about having us. So I would suggest you be yourself with her, she will play hard to get maybe but she is a girl after all you are the chaser. Do ask her her plans for the week to see where you can try to ask her out even if it is an hour but make sure you get her time if she agrees. Do not take a long time before you express your feelings to her because she might end up thinking it was her imaginations that you are into her. Stay in touche and keep showing her you like her until you get a moment where you will feel you are ready to share your feelings about her with her, hopefully sooner than later. Good luck

[Wakeup]

I think at this point letting her contact you while you play the ignore game might make you lose her, girls no matter the nation or race they have they love to be chased, or should i say won. We believe you need to do more than enough to show that you are serious about having us. So I would suggest you be yourself with her, she will play hard to get maybe but she is a girl after all you are the chaser. Do ask her her plans for the week to see where you can try to ask her out even if it is an hour but make sure you get her time if she agrees. Do not take a long time before you express your feelings to her because she might end up thinking it was her imaginations that you are into her. Stay in touche and keep showing her you like her until you get a moment where you will feel you are ready to share your feelings about her with her, hopefully sooner than later. Good luck

Uhm, OP: Do NOT express any "feelings" for her until she shows you in a far, far better way that she's interested in YOU running after her... A guy should be shown that the girl he is chasing is eager to be caught. She, at this point has given you zero indication that she wants you to catch her.

[Pride4o8]

Thanks for the replies everyone, they're appreciated. Interesting contrasts in how I should approach my situation. I usually do pretty well just acting on my gut intuition & doing what feels natural. But this time I'm totally clueless I have to admit.

One one hand I agree with what you said, Khocie, & thanks for your honest reply. I know that girls like to be chased, & all my female friends would agree that when guys "put in the time" to get to know them it's a major turn on. but the reason for my confusion is that she was the one chasing me at first, or so it seemed.

After our first brief meeting for coffee I honestly didn't think it went great, but 20 min after parting ways she texts me she had a great time talking & we should get lunch. Then at lunch the next week, I thought it went just ok, then she drops the line that I can pay next time, which obviously meant she wanted to see me again.

At that point I felt overflowing with confindence, so maybe I let my guard down, I don't know. She had made it clear to me that she was interested, & I was thrilled. We continued texting, & it seemed she was finally starting to open up to me. Then we had an amazing dinner (or so I thought) even though our team lost, & I was definitely seeing her as someone I'd like to see exclusively.

But then she suddenly makes herself unavailable this weekend & doesn't suggest an alternate date?! She was busy the last time I asked her out but suggested the following weekend. & the reason she gave this time was also really sketchy...errands!? Seems if she really wanted to see me she could find a way to get them done right?

If she was someone who used some outline of proper female dating etiquette, such as waiting to return texts, not seeming too eager, etc, I could possibly write this off as playing hard to get. But this is a woman who is straight forward, & isn't into those games, unless she's using some next level $hit! Haha...if so, it's working on me for sure because right now I'm as confused as a 7th grader at his first school dance.

Wakeup I like some of your points, thanks. She's definitely not online for the free dinners, as she insisted to pay for our lunch, which was at a pretty expensive place. That made me a little uneasy, but she then said "you can pay next time" with a smile.

I agree I should stop re-assuring her, for fear of falling into the dreaded fz. It's hard sometimes, as she genuinely seems to think she's still overweight. Girls in China are stick skinny, & totally a turnoff, but I'm afraid she's using their unhealthy bodies as comparison.

I think I'll split the difference & not do anything too extreme for now. Maybe cut back on our texting but not completely ignore her. Compliment her but not go overboard. Normally I'm not for the texting, but all asian girls for some reason use wechat, so I just played along.

I do have a legitimate question though...if I do decide to ask her out again, it would seem so much more definitive & clarifying to ask her the way you suggested Khocie But to me it also seems kind of creepy. I mean, wanting to know her schedule & then trying to see where she's available seems controlling no? Wouldn't you as a woman be turned off by this? I've been asking her to do specific things at specific times such as watching game 5 on Sunday which starts at 5pm.

It would be so much easier to ask what's your plans for Sunday, wait for a response, then ask her to do something that doesn't conflict with her schedule, but it just seems manipulating to me. I don't know...Ill do my normal routine of going to the gym, clearing my head & thinking about it in the shower :-)

Thanks for all the suggestions & keep me coming. I'll let you know how it goes. Happy Saturday everyone!!

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There were a couple more replies, but somehow they disappeared. Thank you to whoever took the time to respond.

[Pride4o8]

Thanks for the replies.

[Wakeup]

Keep in mind that the poster who is telling you to check her schedule first is from a completely different culture.
... Yes, I think most women would find your questioning of her schedule to be a tad creeping and I would certainly want to know why you were asking such questions. Ask her out again and if she gives you the "no" for any reason then carry on looking because she's not interested. I can tell you with complete confidence that if she is game to be with you, she would suggest some other day and time to see you when she wasn't available to your first suggestion.

Don't play the "game" with online meets. Its just a waste of your good time and money. I may have been wrong in my "dinner quest" vibe but that doesn't mean you should be chasing after someone that isn't showing that she would like to get caught none-the-less.

Ask her out again and if she makes an excuse ask her if she has an alternate date that she could do it. If she hesitates or hedges then don't waste your time.

Good luck. Hope she's not a dud.

[Pride4o8]

Thanks for the replies. I'll let you know how it goes.

One ?...

When I ask her out, I always give a specific day, activity & time. Would it be better to ask what she has planned first, then try to choose a time that would work? That would be more clarifying & convenient for me, yet it seems a little creepy & manipulative to do so. Controlling even.

Normally I don't think about all this detail, but it's a different story when it feels you have a lot to lose ya know!? I haven't liked a woman like this in a long time. Thought once I hit 30 I'd never feel butterfly's again, but they're back! Ugh!

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Wakeup, points well taken. Were def on the same page about them. There's lots of fish in the sea, but I really don't want to lose this one. Wish me luck bro.

[Fuzzyfeeling]

Why does it have to be ignore or chase her down? A bit extreme are we.
Well you can just make yourself available and if she feels comfortable and has the time to hangout she'll do it on her own.
No need for the chasedown nor the ignorance ,be natural and let time flow on to develop your relationship😉