Trust is gone after boyfriend lied about his past so much, need advice!!

[ellienora3]

I'm new to this forum so forgive me if this topic about past relationship worries has more or less been covered (I've had a read through some similar topics).

I don't even know where to start... I'm in a bit of a mess in my relationship at the moment... I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. We've definitely had our ups and downs like any relationship. It started off being that in the first 6 months at least, my boyfriend didn't trust me at all & would constantly question me and ask about my past relationships and 'experiences' and couldn't ever get past it for a long time. However over time he has now finally learnt to trust me more and doesn't ask about my past or question me every day any more.

However in the last 4 months or so the tables have completely turned, I've gone from being the one that trusted him 100% and being the one having to constantly reassure him, to now not trusting him at all. Around 8 months ago I learnt that he had been keeping a gambling problem a secret from me, and I mean 'problem' because he was spending a fortune in betting every single day. I will ad that I didn't go looking or snooping for this information, it literally got thrown upon me so to speak one day but it's quite a long story so I wont go into detail. Since then, I now believe he isn't gambling as he has since deleted all his betting accounts, apps and openly lets me check his online banking app etc, not that I rarely ever do check because I don't believe he'd be dumb enough to carry on betting knowing I could check any day. He had always told me up until when I found out that he had stopped gambling once our relationship started as he wanted to save his money and I honestly never doubted him. So once I found out the whole time he had been gambling and lying to me, naturally my trust completely went.

However, I started to no longer trust him in general any more because of all the lies before. It's gotten to a point now where I'm constantly worrying and paranoid and even started questioning him about things that I have never in my life cared about in our relationship, or even in previous relationships, such as his past... Just like he did to me much earlier on into the relationship. So recently whenever I asked him anything about his past relationships or sexual experiences, I started to noticed he would either contradict himself a lot or nothing added up or made sense. He literally would tell me stories and go into so much detail about past relationships and how he had been hurt etc, yet literally 90% of the stories weren't even true because then I would find out or he would admit to me he lied when I questioned him. Then the last thing I found out about his past was that he had slept with a particular girl who I had always noticed on his social media accounts since we have been together, and had asked who she was in the beginning of our relationship and was always told 'she's my friends sister, she's no one really' so naturally I didn't think anything of it/her, I trusted him. Then recently he admitted to me he had slept with her on 4 occasions before we were together, however not only was she his friends sister but she was in a relationship at the time... And he even knew her boyfriend too.... Naturally I was so shocked that he would be capable of something so messed up and wrong not just towards his friend but to do that to the boyfriend who he was also friendly with and saw him all the time whenever he would go round to the house to see his friend and they would all hang out.

What has made this whole situation worse is that when I asked him 'what about her bf' his response was 'they were arguing' as if that was a justification for sleeping with her, and then the more angry I got at that and even turned it around on him & said 'how would you like it if while we were arguing I slept with someone else?'. The only problem now is that because of how upset I got at him for finding this out, as I literally would never have put him down to be the sort of person to make that choice to sleep with someone who was in a relationship, knowing their other half as well, his story all of a sudden randomly changed to 'actually they had broken up for a few weeks while we were sleeping together' ?! So now I don't know what to think, is he just saying that to me to make it sound better? Because of how I reacted? Or did he just genuinely get confused about whether they had actually broken up or not at the time hence his story changing.. Which I doubt because he has told me that he practically lived there at the time because he hung out with his friend most days at his house and the sister & her bf were always there too, so I'm thinking surely you would remember whether you were sneaking around or felt awkward etc so there would be no confusion about it surely?!... Also I actually have his best friend on my twitter as I knew of him before I met my boyfriend and being a bit of a detective I went onto his sisters twitter and looked back to around the time my bf is telling me this all happened, and there is no indication of her being single at the time or any time even close (constant lovey-dovey posts about her and her bf). While I know that twitter/facebook isn't anything to go on, I don't see why she would be posting about her boyfriend if they had in fact broken up or were 'arguing'.

I want to move on from this and not let the past affect us, all I want is to go back to how I felt before all this when I trusted him and didn't care about his past but I can't help but feel like he doesn't even care about what he did and has no remorse for it and this just makes me question him as a person now altogether entirely, particularly his morals. I don't want to now be in a relationship with someone that's not only let alone capable of being the other man/woman but would do that to their own friends! When he has always told me how much he hates cheaters and has no time for them etc... I've told him I don't believe him that they had broken up because of what I saw on twitter and also because his story keeps changing but he's adamant now that they had broken up but something just doesn't seem right... I understand people change and you can't hold the past against anyone, however I never ever would have thought he would be the sort of person to do this to someone, let alone a best friend, it just makes me question his morals. And also makes it worse that he's constantly got excuses for it when he should be being honest and saying 'I know what I did at the time was wrong but I would never be that person again etc' instead of finding excuses for it.

Sorry for rambling on and on and on.... I just want some opinions or perspectives on this situation and how would you feel if you found this out about your partner?

[basilandthyme]

I am having trouble commenting on the gambling thing because I don't quite understand the timeline. Has he done any extreme gambling while he was with you?

In your shoes, I wouldn't have judged him for sleeping with the friend while she was dating his mate. And because I wouldn't judge, he probably wouldn't have felt backed into a corner and started creating lies to get out of it. Likewise, I probably wouldn't be asking him all about his past relationships and sexual experiences. I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding you, but your post does come across as you being a bit too nosy about his past.

That being said, I'm not you. If you have lost all respect and trust for him, you need to end it. From this point, I'm not sure that there's any way of redeeming the relationship.

[Wakeup]

He's only a boyfriend, you're not tied to him in marriage or with children so I have to ask you why you are staying with someone that clearly has impulse control problems that he's never had professional help to overcome. He lacks personal boundaries, he lies to cover up what he clearly knows is wrong behaviour but continues to do it.

You cannot trust untrustworthy people so it's no wonder you are in the state you're currently in.

Get him out of your life and don't make the mistake of thinking that he will change. He may not be gambling (that you can suss out) at the moment but that impulse will resurface sooner or later or he'll simply replace that particular bad behaviour with a new one.

He has issues and you do too if you continue on in this relationship.

Me: I'll judge his decision to sleep with a friends partner. That goes to his inability to control his impulses. It speaks volumes about his lack of boundaries, self respect, selfishness and his inability to empathize.

He is very, very poor LIFEmate material. Don't make the mistake of sweeping the essence of his piss poor personality under the rug because you "love" him. Love is no reason to stay with someone who has the issues he has.

[woody]

As difficult as it is to accept wrongs made in one's past (especially a partner), the past is the past.
Does he recognize his actions as a mistake? Does he realize he screwed up? Because every single one of us screws up now and then to varying degrees.

In my opinion, you must focus on how your feeling now with present stuff and if you delve into the past, delve only in to the past you two have created together.
Follow your gut. Perhaps he is not the man you thought he was OR he is and is only doing the best he can between a rock and a hard place.
If he's truly gotten a grip on the gambling for example, that's in large part because of you. Is he sincere in his attempts to improve? Is he trying to be a better man?
Does he treat you well?
and most importantly, do you love him...?

You'll figure this out. Listen to your heart and your gut.
good luck