Am I mad about cleaning? Or doe we just have different standarts?

[Mrs.biggiemaan]

ello guys,

I am starting to go nuts. I am with my partner for now three years. He has never been a really house proud person, I remember coming over for lunch the first few times and his cupboards were covered in thick dust, you could write your name in to it. The floors were quiet dirty and sticky too, but I never really bothered, I gave his home a very good spring clean eventually. As well as changing the bedding, he may changed it every 4 weeks, you have to think too that we live here in the tropics, its hot at night and you sweat a lot.

Whenever I come home from a long day of work (I am a self employed cleaner), I walk in to the bathroom, his dirty laundry thrown right beside the laundry basket, the kitchen shows what he had for breakfast, lunch and inbetween, I do not say a word and clean it all up. his cups still sitting on the table, as well as a plate covered in ants as he does not bother to put it away. Sometimes he throws the dirty dishes in the sink (on a good day), --we have a dishwasher due to his lack of doing the dishes. It still seems a big effort to put them into the machine, so another ant investation in the sink. I think my blood pressure rises once I come home, as I wake up in the morning, empty the washing machine from the night before, put a load in the dryer, fold the clean laundry, have my breakfast, tidy the kitchen (takes 3 minutes) and leave for work. I am not a clean freak I only want the benches quickly wiped and mainly have it tidy, its my kitchen I work in it.

The other day I decided to finally give my mirrors a clean, not that I bother much but they looked filthy. I finished my work and had a look at it. He walks past, washes his hands, throws his hands on to the mirror (water spits all over it) and then he dries his hands. I said in a nice tone "I just cleaned it" and he said "ohhh god, thinks can't stay clean forever". When I said that this is quiet bad to say he said "well I didnt do it on purpose".

Is this normal or what? I am cleaning after him flat out!! When he has is evening beer, I will be flat out the next day collecting the bottles all over the place. He tells me not to stress, and says that I am way to over the top with my cleaning, I feel like I have to say something all the time. Besides, I am doing everything at home, ths fella never ever touched the vacuum or a mop. I am totally overworked and come home and work even more, we have birds, dogs, chicken and horses. The birds continuesly have no fresh water or food, his horse is covered in ticks and his dog stinks like hell cause he never bothers to bath her. I went once 5 weeks on a holiday and wrote in the calendar beside teh toilet , dates where he has to give the dogs their worming tablets as well as all the other pets. Whenever I asked him "do you think you will be right to do that" he will interrupt me half way with "yeah yeah yeah Im not stupid". I came home from my holiday, the tablets were still there, the bird had one loaded bowl of food (instead of fresh food every two days, he must of loaded it when I left), and the house did not had a touch of cleaning done, well the kitchen looked alright but how hard can it be? I know I am very organised, but who is here unnormal?

Today, I made breakfast as usual (I make it and yes I clean it up too), and as a joke I said "what a beautiful day, would be good if you havnt poured all the salt everywhere", as it was spreaded all over the table as well as on the floor and I know it's not going to disappear. he looked at me and said "all you do is whinge, you are totally obsessive with your cleaning" ... well am I? I dont see it that way, I dont lift everything up to clean underneath and I am not immaculate. All I do is say it sometimes as it is frustarting, coming home after work to another lot of work. I just like it tidy thats all. And doing everything around this place does not help either, he just comes into the made nest and leaves his tracks. I am so close to call it OFF, but then I think too, is there any men out there that like it the way I like? I either meet the wrong ones or just have not found the right one? Or is there a solution for this? It drives me nuts that when I leave my shows in the toilet room, it gets pointed out straight away "how come your shoes are in the way".....Well I am cleaning up for myself and him, and imagine having kids. He will probably be a stay home dad. What a night mare....

[basilandthyme]

Mrs Biggiemaan, your expectations of having a man who will help you keep a tidy house are not unreasonable. However, while you're with this guy it's not going to happen.

You went wrong with this guy when you saw his dirty house but kept dating him. We're talking about a guy who is so unhousepround (is that a word?) that he didn't even bother to pretend he's clean for the first time you saw the house. Not only did you keep dating him, but you started cleaning for him!

As you have one foot out the door, I suggest you tell him that you're thinking about leaving and it's because he's such a slob. If this doesn't make him pull a finger out, you're better off out of there.

There are plenty of guys who are tidy. (Mine is putting stuff away while I type!). Just make sure you have an objective look at a any new man's habitat before you decide if he's a keeper.

[Wakeup]

You've taken on the role of cleaning his house for him from the very beginning and obviously, his mother did the same thing. She clearly didn't expect him do any "women" work and unfortunately, it's now ingrained in him that either a woman does that or it stays messy/dirty/unhealthy.

My advise: If the relationship is a good one wherein you're happy with him as a partner in general and, If you both work, why don't you hire a cleaner? You have zero chance of getting him to do anything other then what he's been conditioned (by his mother and now you) to accept as normal.

Sorry mother's of sons, but I blame you for your son's slothy lack of pride in ownership if you've never given them chores around the home as they were growing up.

[TheEvilJester]

There can definitely be two very extreme extremes when it comes to cleaning. There can be the crazy neat-freak an there can be the all out slob. Here's the good news....

From what you explain, I definitely DO NOT think you are a neat freak at all. Your expectations sound very reasonable. Here's the bad news..... from what you explain, I definitely DO think he is an all out slob. The state in which he keeps things sounds absolutely disgusting to me, and I'm not a neat freak at all. I wouldn't say I am a slob, but I could definitely stand to tidy up a little more than I do. Yet even I can say his living habits sound revolting.

The only thing I cannot understand is why in the Hell you ever put up with that in the first place. You should NEVER have had to pick up after him. He's an adult (though he doesn't much sound like one) and should be able to pick up after himself. What if he didn't have you? Would the place just get worse and worse until they literally had to condemn it?

To be perfectly honest with you, I sort of lean towards saying this guy doesn't deserve you and you need to just free yourself. I'll try not to be so rushed to jump to such a conclusion, though. For all we know, your relationship could be perfect otherwise and this is just one minor thing. Only you could really clarify that. Still, this does not sound to me like the type of guy who appreciates anyone or anything, nor does he sound like the type willing to do the hard work it takes to have the life they want. Were I you, I'd be tempted to dump the guy, but only you can really decide if that is your best course of action. Just know that your expectations are not unreasonable at all. Furthermore, his issues border on possible animal cruelty. He shouldn't have animals if he cannot properly care for them.

Good luck to you.