Partner wont give up his new love...

[malta77]

I am so desperate & I don't know what to do. Me & my partner (we are a gay couple# have been together for 14 years, everything has always been completely fine in our relationship & we have always been so close. About 2 years ago we made the decision to move to Malta from the UK, as my partner has family there, & it had always been his dream to live there. We had been there several times on holiday together [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=I]#I[/URL] even proposed to him there# & although I did like it, I agreed more for him as it was always his dream.
So I left our house [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=which]#which[/URL] I loved# gave up treasured pets [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=apart]#apart[/URL] from my cat, who came with us#, practically everything we owned & of course left family & friends. My partner had always been the main wage earner & I was made redundant a few years ago & really struggled, I suffered from depression & was only able to find part time work. When we got to Malta I couldn't find any work & it was a few months before my partner found a job nearby. He felt quite let down by his family here as they intially said they would help & offer support, but they were nowhere to be seen after the first 2 weeks. But still we muddled on, he was enjoying his job & earning enough [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=I]#I[/URL] t is very cheap out here# so it wasn't a problem that I didn't have a job. He was soon promoted too, so money was even less of an issue. He then started making friends with the sort of people he had always hated & his attitude started to change, he became cocky & arrogant & I could tell he was lying to me too.
Time went on & one day when coming back from the shops I saw him walking up the road with a young guy, I followed behind back to where he works & this guy was all over him. He came home not long after & lied about where he had been. I told him I had seen him but he said this guy was just a friend of someone he worked with. He kept metioning him & I knew he was seeing him, but he kept insisting it was purely as friends. I knew more was going on but he kept denying it & he got very good at lying. Weeks went on & more lies about where he had been, but any suggestion by me about this guy being more than a friend was met with "Why wont you trust me" or "Am I not allowed to have friends?!".
Things came to a big argument at the start of the year & I thought we were getting somewhere, I told him how lonely I was here & that he needed to consider my feeling more, but nothing changed it only got worse. In April my world came crashing down, I found gifts from this guy & also saw messages on his old phone which still had battery life on it. They indeed were having an affair & it had been going on the whole time. Not only that but he wasn't a friend he grew close to, but he was a random guy he met on grindr & had sex with.
I felt sick, I text my partner & he came home. He tried denying it at first but then admitted it. Rather than apologising he basically blamed me, using every excuse he could think of! I was so upset, I couldn't eat or sleep for 4 days. I even thought about ending it all.
We hardly spoke for the next couple of weeks, but then things slowly started getting back to normal & I thought he had stopped seeing him. He told me he loved me & we slept together again. Then last week I saw the guy waiting for the bus near my partners work, so I know they had been together. I confronted my partner who again tried to deny it & then told me he "can't" stop seeing him & more or less said that we were over, but he still wants to keep in touch with me! So again I was totally distraught, but again my partner started giving mixed signals by hugging me, kissing me & carrying on as normal again. He even said he doesn't know why he's doing this & agreed with me that he's having some sort of [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=early]#early[/URL] # mid life crisis or is suffering from some form of depression. A few months ago he was actually going to see a doctor as he thought himself he was depressed, but he never saw anyone...
Yesterday I saw the guy yet again at the bus stop & this time I confronted him. The vile little creature was completely smug, basically laughing in my face & goading me to hit him & he said go on I call the police & I get you deported! I was so angry, but managed to walk away without smacking that smug grin off his ugly face. My partner still says he doesn't know why he's doing it etc.. And wont even talk to me about it or even spend any time with me so we can talk about it.
I am more than frustrated. I know I should just walk away, but I can't. I love him so much & I know he loves me. Also I literally have nothing, if I walk away I will have to go back to the UK & sleep on my Mum's sofa. I have no money, no job, no house any longer, & I'd also have no partner that I love & also my cat who is like my surrogate baby. Basically my life wont be worth living if I leave.
I just don't know what to do to make him see that what he is doing is so wrong. This guy has manipulated him too as he told a pack of lies that he knew lots of guys who had been sleeping with me & I think he has used my partners possible depression to his advantage, by making him think all his problems were me, when we were fine before he met that vile little piece of work.
I have no one to talk to & have not even told any family or friends back home as I dodn't want them to think badly of him. I am in bits & I don't know how long I can carry on or what I am going to do.

Sorry for the long rant

[Wakeup]

*peaks in*

Think I'll leave this one for Woody.

*slowly backs out*

[TheEvilJester]

I know this is not what you want to hear, but there is really nothing you should do other than to leave him and never look back. It is unfortunate that he could be a vile and disgusting enough human being to take you to a completely different country and then just cast you aside like you never mattered. I can't even fathom the level of scum baggery needed to make you uproot your entire life, then show his appreciation by casting you aside for somebody new. Don't get me started on the other a-hole. You are a better man than I, let me just say that. I may have wiped that smug smirk off his face permanently. Perhaps even carved him a new one so the world would always see what a smug piece of crap he is. (Evil Jester's important note: Violence is never the answer to something like this, I only speak in half jest but would never actually condone doing something like that.)

I know it is difficult because, as you say, you would lose quite a bit. I say take whatever you can with you so as to minimize the loss, but bottom line, don't stay with this loser just because of financial restrictions. I know it would suck to have to crash on your mother's couch, or something like that, but that is what family is for. You can endure that for a little while until you can get back on your own.

You deserve so much better than a loser like that. It's bad enough he cheated, but to blatantly lie about it for so long, AND continue the affair the whole time.... that is just unforgivable. The important thing you need to realize is you don't really love this guy, you love him for who you thought he was. The man you loved possibly never existed, or at the very least no longer does. I don't mean that to sound harsh. I think a lot of us have been there. A lot of us have experienced loving somebody we thought was a great person only to learn they were largely or even mostly a lie. It can be hard not to try to convince yourself that the good person you thought you knew is still in there somewhere. Thing is, good people don't do this kind of thing to people they love.

You deserve better. You won't find that if you allow yourself to be stuck with a loser like that.

[malta77]

Thanks for your reply.

I know everything you say is right. I know I should have packed my suitcase the minute I first found out back in April, it is killing me inside what he has done & continues to do to me. The problem is that this behaviour really is not him. Like I said we have been together for 14 years & he is the sweetest most lovely guy, everyone loves him, that's what makes me think he is suffering from some sort of depression. He said himself he is "f***ed up". It is like he is a completely different person & this dramatic change has only happened in the last few months.
I do really love him & I know that he still loves me, but his behaviour is just so erratic & confusing. He is like Jekyl & Hyde.
His parents are coming out here on Sunday for a week, staying at a nearby hotel. I don't know if I should tell his Mum what has been going on as we are quite close. She herself could see how much he had changed when she was here in March.
If I leave him, not only will my whole life be destroyed & I will have only what I can fit in a suitcase, but I am potentially abandoning him, when he could genuinely be having some sort of breakdown & I cannot stand the thought of that horrid, vile, rancid little queen taking advantage of him.
Another possibility is me staying in Malta & finding somewhere else to live, I have been applying for jobs for the last week. That way I could still be close enough by to stay in contact with him & see if he really is just an absolute a**hole, or is indeed needing help...

If only I had a time machine & I could go back & we never moved here...

[TheEvilJester]

Well, 14 years is a long time for sure. I don't know, to be honest with you I am still reluctant to say that I agree with your thoughts in leaning towards staying with him. Now that you explain further, I can at least understand your stance more, I'm just still not sure I can agree with it. Whether 2 days, 14 days, 1 year, 14 years, when somebody can do something as vile and reprehensible as cheating on their partner, I find that very hard, near impossible even, to forgive. If it was a one time mistake, I could understand some leniency. This was no one time mistake. He did this repeatedly for a long time, and even blatantly lied right to your face about it.

Could he have some issues? That is entirely possible. If you honestly, sincerely do think that may have something to do with it, then maybe don't be so quick to react. Maybe instead you do stick with him, but with the understanding between you two that any and all side relationships need to stop, and he needs to get help. If he truly puts in a sincere effort to make things right, then maybe you can give him the chance to do so.

Please, please, though, care enough about yourself to have a limit, a final straw, a bottom line. And when I say that, I mean a reasonable bottom line. In other words, DO NOT put up with this crap for long, especially if he shows no effort or desire to change. No matter what you may lose in ending the relationship and going back home, in the long run you will gain SO MUCH more by being out of a toxic relationship. In fact, the sooner you do so, the sooner you can get back on your own again and move on like it never happened.

To be honest, from what you have shared of your story, it sounds like he's already been caught and yet shows no sign of feeling bad, realizing he did any wrong, or having any intention of stopping. So, I fail to see what is going to change in that. But, if you truly do think there is a possibility that, with help, he could wake up and snap out of this sort of "mid-life crisis," then perhaps it is okay to try to stick with him. I just hope you care enough about yourself not to put up with that for long. Heck, if it makes it easier, sure stay in the same country but find your own place to live. At least then maybe you can pick yourself back up for a while without losing everything and then build up to moving back home when you are better prepared.

Either way, good luck to you. You do not deserve to be treated the way this guy treated you. Nobody would. You deserve better. For your sake, my greatest wish would be that he can wake the Hell up and become that better, but if he can't/won't do that, then I hope you ditch his loser arse and find a real man who will realize the awesome partner he's found in you and never do anything to hinder that.

[malta77]

Thanks you once again

I do have low self esteem issues, I always have, so that's another reason I guess why I have put up with this for so long. I had an abusive relationship when I was young (18) & it took me a long time to leave that asshole. The thing that finally made me leave him was when he beat me up the day after my Dad's funeral. Part of me thinks I almost deserve to be treated badly, I know that sounds insane, but when you have so much crap happen in your life you really do start to believe that. I guess I have issues too...

I was thinking today that I shouldn't have to lose everything (including my cat who I love) so instead of me finding another apartment when I get a job, he will have to leave. I don't see why, when I have done nothing wrong, that I should be uprooted once again. I really hope it doesn't come to this, but I am starting to become more inclined to think it is the only way & maybe if he is forced apart from me he might just miss me enough? Again probably just wishful thinking, but I need to grasp onto some sort of hope...

[Nicolelong]

I think the facts have been laid out for you pretty clearly. If you chose to stay with this man, there will be other men involved. He is capable of lying, hiding things, manipulating, sleeping around, and being disloyal to you. This is not going to change anytime soon. Now that he knows you are willing to take him back after seeing with your own two eyes what he's done, the damage is done. He knows you will be there to take him back with open arms.

I understand your rage towards the other man, however, you do need to recognize that this guy has NO commitment or promises with you. This does not make him any less of a tool than he is, but your anger towards him is misplaced. He has probably heard a very different version of the truth from your boyfriend. He only knows you from what your man has been telling him....so what does that say to you about what has been coming out of his mouth?

Despite what you feel now, life is ALWAYS worth living. Your life without a cheater will be BETTER than what it is now. So what if you have to start over, sleeping on Mom's couch until you get on your feet? Do you have any idea how many of us had to go through that as a stepping stone for better things? I know I have, and there is no shame in it. Don't feel guilt over leaving this guy. Its not a "breakdown" he's having, it's a change in his character and in the relationship that has reared it's head. If you leave him, he will be FINE, and it's clear he has options and other beds to sleep in, as harsh as that sounds. And you'll be FINE too.

Again, it's your choice. Either stay with this guy and be with a cheater who shows you no respect because you are afraid to move on, or dump him, go home, and rebuild your life into something better than it is. You could be missing out on a great guy because you waste your time with someone who is not the man you fell in love with anymore

[TheEvilJester]

Thanks you once again

I do have low self esteem issues, I always have, so that's another reason I guess why I have put up with this for so long. I had an abusive relationship when I was young (18) & it took me a long time to leave that asshole. The thing that finally made me leave him was when he beat me up the day after my Dad's funeral. Part of me thinks I almost deserve to be treated badly, I know that sounds insane, but when you have so much crap happen in your life you really do start to believe that. I guess I have issues too...

That doesn't sound as insane as you think. I know just how you feel. I lived my whole life with low (or probably more accurate to say NO) self-esteem, and it's been a life long struggle for me. When life craps on you so much, it can become very hard not to start feeling like you deserve it. I, myself, got stuck in a bad relationship with an ex who didn't appreciate me in the slightest. For a while, I figured that was just my lot in life. Finally getting out of that awful relationship started a renaissance in me like I have never felt before. I've had some bumps along the road, and even spent some time back in the dark depths of my soul where I used to be stuck in my youth. But, through it all, I've become stronger than ever before.

I have learned this, and now it is time for you to learn it. We DO deserve better. When you start to realize that, you start to get a little p*ssed that the world seems to only want to use you as a punching bag. That is the energy you need to put to positive reinforcement rather than negative. In other words, take that anger and focus it into TAKING your piece of the pie. Focus it into making yourself even better. Focus it into realizing that you are awesome and anybody would be lucky to have you.

This jerk may not see that, so all that means is he doesn't deserve you.... but there will be somebody else who does. You allow yourself to be with people who reinforce your negative opinion of yourself. I am not saying that is your fault. Somehow we low self-esteem peeps seem to just attract @$$holes. I don't know what it is.

Again, it really has to be your decision, but I do largely agree with Nicole. I think your best bet would honestly be to end things with this loser. You deserve better. You'll never find that if you settle for a scumbag who could cast aside such a long relationship like it meant little or nothing. That's HIS malfunction, not yours. You are awesome for trying to keep things together and being so loyal, but in my view he no longer deserves your loyalty.