I made a HUGE mistake!

[Ready4aMiracle]

Hey there everybody!. So I'm new here and in some need of some advice. I do apologize in advance cause this may be a bit long, but I will try to shorten it up as much as possible!. So here's what's going on....

So my ex boyfriend and I have been broken up for about 2 years after being together for 3. Everything was going well for us but towards the end we were arguing a lot and he finally made the decision to end things between us. I took the break up VERY hard. I do greatly admit though I over reacted and he even told me one night shortly after our breakup that if I had not reacted the way I did, he was gonna give me another chance. But whatever, things were done and we both eventually moved on. He actually ended up immediately getting into another relationship (within about a week after breaking up with me) but they were extremely on and off. Would break up at least twice a month if not more.... He would reach out to me every so often and we got together a couple times since our breakup but nothing sexual ever took place!....and usually afterwards he would disappear for a while again (when they would usually get back together).

So very recently (a couple weeks ago or so) I reached out to him....just had a question for him....and things took off!. I found out that him and his girlfriend were officially done and he actually asked why I hadn't stayed in contact. I found that to be a bit weird but just let it roll off my shoulder. We started texting (him initiating mostly) almost all day every day, hanging out.....and we did end up sleeping together a few times :-(. One night very recently we arranged to get together and actually hung out all night. We talked about a lot of things.....and the night couldn't have been better!. We ordered dinner, watched a few movies, and mostly laughed all night.....but towards the end of the night he started coming off kind of weird. Wasn't very talkative, seemed like something was on his mind, etc.... I asked him a few times if everything was okay and he always replied that it was. I asked if I had done anything wrong and he said "no not at all!" and smiled. He told me I had to stop worrying that I was doings something wrong (which I do a lot) because I wasn't doing anything wrong at all. So I let it go and we continued our night. We also talked a lot about us. Why we didn't work, what we could have done to make us work, why we could never get back together, etc.... He had told me that we are both the same people and if we were to get together, we would eventually break up again. After he said that I just looked at him and he goes "your dissapointed aren't you?". I told him the truth. I told him that I wasn't lying when I said I would always care about him (told him that when we broke up), and if the chance presented itself that it WAS possible for us to get back together, that I'd probably jump at the chance....but he told me there was no chance whatsoever. So anyway he asked if I was spending the night and said I was more than welcome to.....so being the stupid one that I am apprently, I did. Another big mistake.... My feelings came back for him full force cause not only did we sleep together in the same bed but he literally held me ALL night. Every time I would turn (I'm a light sleeper) he would turn with me and put his arm right back around me. The next morning, after leaving, I cried the whole way home. I knew this was gonna happen but I was trying so hard to not let it....

So anyway, he has now backed off almost completely. Doesn't text me anymore but will always text me back if I text him (which hasn't been frequent as I am trying to get over him and realize that we are and will only be just friends.....but I will admit I have texted him a couple times). He is now just very "short" with his responses... Doesn't seem to have any interest in talking or getting together anymore. I'm thinking that he's trying to cut contact between us again, which is probably a good idea....he probably suspects that my feelings are back. But to be honest part of me can't help but wonder if there's more to this story....

If anybody has any advice to share I'd greatly appreciate it!. Thanks in advance for your help.

[TheEvilJester]

I wish I could offer the advice you want to hear, but I think it sounds like letting go is your best option. I know how you feel when it is hard for you to give up on what you thought you had. I think we can all understand that. The thing is, it didn't work out before. Why would it work out now? If you were to get back together, you are just going to prolong the inevitable and it will be all the harder to end things later. It will hurt even more.

You are not crazy or anything for feeling the way you do. Surely you two had some good times together and there was a time you were very much in love. In a way, it isn't really him you mourn, but the relationship you once had, the future you imagined for yourselves, the way he made you feel. Truth is, if you got back together, it isn't those things that would win out in the end, it is the things that caused you two to break up in the first place. Sometimes breaking up can make you realize and fix the mistakes you made, so it isn't always 100% certain that you should never get back with somebody, but in this case it doesn't sound like much has changed/will change.

It will hurt (I wish I could say differently) and it will take time, but in time you will feel better. Now is the time to re-learn to be happy just being you. Now is the time to examine what did you do wrong in your relationship? What did he do wrong? What did you both do wrong? What can you fix in a future relationship so you aren't just doomed to repeat the same mistakes. One good thing about one relationship ending is that it can give you a better idea of what you are and are not looking for in a partner, and a better idea of what you may need to work on in yourself.

In time, you will find another guy and you will fall in love again. That is really the best medicine.... just don't rush it. It will happen when the time is right. Good luck to you.

[bbbb]

Don't know him at all, but he comes across as a bit of a dick. He knew you'd jump at the chance of you two getting together again, while he himself gave that no chance, and yet he still got in touch with you after the break up and had sex with you a few times before backing off again (for good?). This is not fair at all, seeing as his behaviour made you think there might be a chance for you two after all, while he had no intention to get back with you all along. Could also be that he too thought you could be together again, but in the end realised it wouldn't happen and then backed off, but the way he went about it was really bad. I would advise not to text him again, even if he texts you first; just stop responding at all, no contact. If he cares enough, he'll try to contact you and explain his behaviour, but if not - he's not worth bothering about, and the sooner you let him go, the better. It hurts, I know, but time will make it better in the end.

[TheEvilJester]

Let me just add that I am digging your contributions, bbbb. Interestingly simple choice of screen name, by the way. ;-) I am glad you decided to join us here. I've found myself very much agreeing with what you have had to say. Even if I didn't, it's always good to have new members who want to lend a hand to others who come here looking for help.

[bbbb]

TheEvilJester, it's very nice to hear that :-) perhaps not such an evil jester after all!
I do believe people should and will make their own experiences as they go, but if someone has gone through what they are going through, wisdom is to be shared ;-)
And ah, the username... yes, well, I am tired of having to come up with variations of my name as it is nearly always taken, so I just went with this. :-) No deeper meaning to it, unless we can come up with some now (bbbb... 4 bs... for be's... for bees?)

[starbar]

he straight up told you he will never get back with you but you still hopped into bed with him and let him use you and discard you the next morning.. I am sorry but its your own fault you are hurting right now. you should have just stayed away. its been 2years! why have you not gotten over him by now?? of course he will not want you when he can sense the desperation coming off you. You need to sort yourself out, gain more confidence, be more independent and stop acting like your life depends on him. that is not attractive. sorry to be harsh and blunt but girl seriously?? you are worth more than this! you need to own it and act as if his life should depend on you!

[TheEvilJester]

Starbar does make a great point. You deserve better than to allow yourself to be used by some loser like this. He's your ex for a reason. You need to move on and find yourself a real man. Before you do, though, you need to remember that you are awesome. Fact of the matter is, you'd be better off alone than you would allowing somebody to use you like that. So, to Hell with him. Take some "you time" and then get back out there and find yourself a real man, because a real man would not use somebody like that, especially not somebody for whom they supposedly once cared.

[Nicolelong]

It kinda bothers me that he made the comment of "oh if you hadn't reacted badly to the breakup, I probably would have given you another chance." It's just rude. You've been dumped by someone you care about and you are supposed to be calm about it? And because you were upset, you lost your "chance" to be with him again? If he thought there was a possibility to work things out, he shouldn't have broken up with you in the first place. It's harsh to then use your emotions against you and make you feel like it's your fault.

Annnyyyways, I think he took advantage of you. It sounds like your feelings for him never really went away, and he kind of led you to believe that you were on the path to getting back together- dinner, movies, etc. At least now- emphasis on "least"- he finally realizes that it's not okay to keep sleeping with you and acting like you're a couple when he has no intention of going there again. You may not see it now, but he's done you a favor at this point by putting some distance between you two.

You want different things from each other. Don't let him use you or attempt a Friends with Benefits situation to try to persuade him into being with you. The sooner you go your separate ways, the faster the healing can happen

[Ready4aMiracle]

Hey everybody!. So sorry for the late response. Been going through a lot... but anyway!. I really thank all of you for your responses. You all made very good points. And STARBAR, no hard feelings at all. I very much understand what I did was very foolish. I do deserve a lot better than that and that really does make me sound horrible. But hey, everybody makes mistakes but the real test is if you learn from it.

I have decided to end things with my ex. Unfortunately he was using me, and I didnt deserve that. Its time to start thinking higher of myself than resorting to that level that I did. Sometimes I seriously say WTF was a thinking????. But its over now and time to start getting on with my life again . Thanks so much again everybody!. I really appreciate it.

[starbar]

You are welcome! Go and find yourself someone who deserves you you can do so much better than this a**hole. And Nicole also made a v good point about his comment to you. Everybody reacts badly to a break up if they don't want it to end. Its understandable and making you feel like its all your fault is really not okay! That comment was just plain insensitive and unnessasary and not true. It makes no sense "maybe I would have taken you back if you didn't react like that" so why the f**k did he end it in the first place if there apparantly was a chance? Idiot!

good luck to you xx

[TheEvilJester]

You know what kind of irks me the most about the ex's comment about "if you didn't blah blah blah, I might have given you another chance..." What exactly makes him such hot $h*t that she should have had to EARN another chance with him? There were two people in that relationship, and unless she did something way out of whack after their breakup (like setting all his stuff on fire, or something crazy like that) then how somebody reacts after a break-up should have no bearing on whether or not you would consider giving them another chance. Who, when in such a heightened emotional state, doesn't do or say things that maybe wish they had not? It is very rare that break-ups don't involve some hurt feelings and involve arguments where things are said that are perhaps a bit exaggerated due to the heightened emotions.

Anyway, good for you, Ready. You've made the first step by realizing you deserve better. I know it is possible you may not fully believe it yourself yet. That is okay. It's kind of like a fake it til you make it kind of situation. In other words, you need some time to heal, and for now you may not feel all that great. You may feel like you lost somebody great, but in time you will realize maybe he wasn't so great after all. You may be torturing yourself wondering where the Hell you went wrong, but in time will realize that, sure, you made some mistakes, but there were two people in that relationship and he was no angel. You need to re-learn that you are awesome, and that you deserve to be happy.

I know it can be hard to believe when you are fresh into a break-up, but you WILL be okay. Not only that, you will come out of this stronger than ever. You were strong enough to put yourself out there, to give somebody your heart and trust that they wouldn't misuse it. You got hurt, but now you will know all the more what/who you DON'T want, and who/what you do want. Don't lose the lessons you learn from the relationship. When we are able to learn from our mistakes, the cease to be quite such a mistake.

It may take time, but I promise you will be okay. Take some time to heal, and then get back out there and conquer! :-)