Should I end it?

[Yoganonymous]

I've been in a relationship with A. for more than four years now, ever since we were 17. Since we were 11, we've been best friends, and that hasn't changed even after starting a romantic relationship. I was A.'s first girl, the one he waiter for for two years before we started dating and I know he loves me very much. We live together now. All of our friends are mutual, our families know each other. We have same opinions on things, we share the taste for movies, we are both a bit childish, we relate on almost every level.

However, for the past five months, I have been unhappy in a relationship. Even though A. is amazing, I started hating things about him. His laziness - I am the one who does all the cooking, shopping, cleaning; his hypochondria - his back hurt all the time (we are 22!), his head hurts, he sneezes so he simply HAS to be in bed all day, him falling asleep in the afternoon for two hours... I am an active person and I like to grow personally, and with him, it simply isn't happening. I am caught in our little world of Lord of the Rings and Marvel comic books, and when I suggest taking a course of Spanish language or watching a documentary fr a change, he is not exactly hooked. He used to do lots of sports and go out with me for actual walks, now he's just stuck on bed the whole day. I am quite nice-looking and I have always been trying to look nice for him, while he is getting ever sloppier. It's also been a while since I actually wanted to have sex with him. I just feel he takes me for granted.

I can't imagine the future father of my children being so apathic, so lazy, so hypochondric. I want a man who can stand up for me, who isn't afraid or repulsed by the idea of cycling 30 kilometres, who can order and pay for me in the restaurant. The fact that we have a new mutual friend who is all these things - ambitious, charming, instantly gaining everyone's sympathies, energetic - doesn't help, I'm smitten.

Also my family has been quite sad about our relationship, even though until lately they haven't said it out loud.

After we talked about the problem, everything seems even more real. I talked with A. about everything, and he said he loves me, that he wants to change for me, that he'll make it work. For the past week, everything's been heavenly. Suddenly, the back doesn't hurt and we can go for trips. Suddenly, we can watch documentaries, he doesn't crouch while he walks, he's gallant. But for some reason, it makes me even more sad, maybe because he didn't do all that automatically. When I'm alone, I can't stop crying because I'm so confused about what to do. The idea of not seeing the boy I have been seeing daily for the past 11 years hurts badly, but the idea of being in the relationship further does the same.

If I break up with him, I probably lose most of my friends - we usually spend holidays together at his family cottage, New Year's and so on. I don't have many friends besides this core group from my highschool - I know they love me, but I would be the bad one for initiating the breakup. Most are guys anyway, I don't relate to girls as much. I am afraid I will not find anyone who will love me again. I am afraid I might be making a terrible mistake.

I know you don't know me or my boyfriend, but any advice would be much appreciated. My family is taking the side of a breakup, my friends would say the opposite, I think knowing an unbiased stranger's way of thinking would be much helpful.

Thank you everyone.

[Nicolelong]

A big problem is that you have met someone else that has struck your fancy. When you find a new person that you're attracted to, it's very easy to start looking at your partner in a less favorable light, and make unfair comparisons. The thing is, with the new guy, you don't really know who he is. You don't know His bad qualities and habits and shortcomings, you just see the good side because you're not around him all the time. He might have horrible farts, cheat on his girlfriends, and be terrible in bed. You just don't know.

You are both very young to be in a relationship for this long, and it's natural to start wondering what else is out there and if you are missing out.

Your boyfriend sounds like he got comfortable and started slacking off. You can't fault him for not realizing that he was not up to your standards. He's not a mind reader. It's telling that once you did let him know you were unhappy, he has made efforts to change.

I think that you should try your best to make things work with him, and I mean really put your whole heart in. Communicate with him, give him a chance, and cut contact with the other guy as much as possible. If after a time you still find yourself struggling, it might be time to move on. It's much easier to move on if you know in your heart you've done everything you could to make it work.

Yes, your friends and family might be upset for a short time, but it happens all the time, and they'll get over it. If you end it honorably, you won't be "the bad guy", it will just be a situation where it didn't work out.

[TheEvilJester]

Nicole is on FIRE! Gotta say, I am digging our recent new members. We've have a few new members become very active lately who I think have been giving some great advice.

Anyway, to Yoganonymous...

The way you are feeling is understandable. Don't feel too bad. You want to grow and evolve as a person. Experience new things, learn new things, etc. That is good, that is healthy. From your perception, he seems to have become lazy/complacent. To be honest, even that is not inherently wrong. Heck, if you were just as happy with the same old same old, then there would be no problem. But, you want more, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Now, add to that the fact that his laziness, from what you say, has escalated. This almost makes me wonder if it could be possible he is going through some issues with which he needs to deal, whether that mans with a professional or not. Have you tried talking to him about it and asking if he is okay?

If he sincerely IS having back problems or constant headaches, there could be something medically wrong. If that is the case, he needs to get help or nothing is going to change. If his back problems, headaches, etc. or more in his head than anything, then help may still be needed, but more psychiatric to help him overcome these hurdles. On the other hand (....wait.... doesn't that make it three hands at this point? LOL) if he's just sort of milking it because he's become complacent and lazy, then he needs to shape up or ship out, so to speak.

Here's the good news. You talked to him about it and he actually has made efforts to improve. Only time will tell if his efforts were sincere or not.

And yet, it hasn't quite made you feel better. You almost feel like you had to say something for him to improve and you kind of wish he could have just wanted to do so on his own. ....And you know what? That doesn't really make you wrong either. That's understandable to feel that way. In some ways, you can't help the nagging voices in your head from thinking "why should I have to tell somebody when they are starting to slack off? Shouldn't they want to be the best they can be without somebody having to intervene?"

All the same, I think often all of us can be guilty of becoming complacent. For most, I don't think it is intentional, and in fact, often you don't even really realize you are doing it. So, sometimes it does take somebody to wake you up and make you realize you really aren't being fair to those around you or yourself.

Now, I don't know you or him and therefore cannot know what you were like before, or what you are like now. However, sometimes people do change over time. Most people don't change radically or suddenly, but little by little over the years we all change. So, if you are exploring new things, you can't necessarily assume he'll be interested in all the same things. By the same token, if you stop being as interested in the things you two once shared, you can't necessarily be surprised when he's still just as interested in them.

So, you two becoming a little different isn't automatically a bad thing. Frankly, it could be good. You should have some individuality as well. All the same, if you two grow apart too much, then that could be an indication you've both changed and just aren't the same perfect match that perhaps you were in the past. Nothing wrong with that. It is sad, but it happens. If that is the case, you two would be better served to end things before the situation becomes too hurtful.

I wish I could offer clearer advice, but this is definitely one situation where you are going to need to really do some soul-searching to decide what you think it right. I agree with what Nicole said regarding this other guy. You need to forget about him for right now and deal with your relationship. When there are things making you unhappy in your current relationship, it can be easy to look at somebody else and start idealizing them. The problem is, just like your boyfriend, this fella is just human as well. For all you know, all of the things that you like about him could be a complete lie. You have no way to know that.

For now, you should forget about this other guy and take time to decide what you feel in your heart and your mind is right to do in the current situation. It may not be easy, but it definitely isn't a decision you should take lightly. Good luck to you. I hope you decide, and whatever you do decide, I hope it works out best for all.

[starbar]

If this other guy was not in the picture and you had all these complaints then I would prob say to end it if you are really unhappy but if all this unhappieness is a result of you suddenly gaining feelings for someone else then you would likely regret the decision to break up. The other guy is just a fantasy coz you don't know him, you have not dated him, you have not lived with him etc.. he could be the complete opposite to your bf which would be a good thing in one way.. you would get out more initially and do some fun exciting things but he may not be committed, devoted, loyal, loving etc..

I think you should try to forget him and try to fall in love again with your bf. Try to make it work and let him know you will end things with him if he doesn't make more effort with you.

What is wrong with his back? I just had a baby and my back was damaged during the pregnancy and labor so I know what its like to be in constant pain and not ne motivated to leave the house much but I am going for physio and trying to heal so I can get back to normal. He should see a professional

[TheEvilJester]

What is wrong with his back? I just had a baby and my back was damaged during the pregnancy and labor so I know what its like to be in constant pain and not ne motivated to leave the house much but I am going for physio and trying to heal so I can get back to normal. He should see a professional

I could perhaps be wrong.... but I don't think his problem is exactly the same.

ROTFL! Sorry, I simply couldn't help myself.

Yeah, though, good point. As I said somewhere in the middle of my giant novel of a response, if he is actually having legit medical issues (such as a bad back or migraines) you can't blame a person for that, or expect them to be Mr. Cheery when they are suffering. Even so, they need to do something to deal with it and help themselves and not just give in to it.

On the other hand, if they are just milking it and they aren't really in all that much of pain, then they are just using it as an excuse to be a slacker. I'm not mind reader, so I can't know which is the case with this particular fella.