Trying to stay positive, looking for love!

[SadLove1980]

I've been single for a month now. I've been trying to stay positive, jogging in the park, going away to family and friends on the weekends, working on a video diary and going to the beach to enjoy the summer.

However, I was dumped by my ex, who I'm still in love with after having been with him for a year and a half. He was so heartless in how he dumped me and I still feel so hurt inside.

Another part of me wants to meet someone - I have so much to offer, as I'm successful, independent, creative and want to share my life with a man who actually wants to commit to me.

I know I need to take time to strengthen myself and get over the hurt, but I'm very lonely and no friends or family can replace the feeling of waking up next to someone and being the love of someone's life.

How soon should I start dating? Doing all of my hobbies isn't making me feel content or helping me move on.

[Nicolelong]

IMO you shouldn't think about dating until A) You no longer feel "in love" with the guy, and B) You don't feel so hurt inside. If you jump into dating someone else too soon, you will just bring all that baggage in and it will sabotage the new relationship.

You'll know you're ready when you're not thinking about your ex on a regular basis anymore, and you don't feel depressed over him any longer. Unfortunately, you can't rush it :-( It would be nice to flick a switch and have all those feelings shut off, but that's not the way the heart works.

Keep yourself busy, keep doing what you're doing, and the right guy will come along when you're not expecting him

[CaseySp]

I know I need to take time to strengthen myself and get over the hurt, but I'm very lonely and no friends or family can replace the feeling of waking up next to someone and being the love of someone's life.

You can't rely on anyone else to make you happy. That is an inside job.

[TheEvilJester]

Man, where are we getting all these newbies? Nicole comes in with the awesome advice as always, and Casey always seems to find some way to have amazing advice that gets straight to the point. We've had a lot of really constructive new members join lately, and I'm loving it!

SadLove, trust me I think we all understand how you feel. It sucks and it hurts, but trust us when we tell you that the pain WILL go away. I know just how you feel when you say you kind of want a new relationship, that it sort of feels like new love is all that can heal you. Well.... here's the truth. New love IS what will heal you.... but it is your newfound love for yourself.

You do not want to rush back into a relationship while you are still hurting from another. That doesn't give you a fair chance to really be sincerely into the new relationship, and it also isn't fair to the other party because they don't deserve to be somebody's rebound. Even if it isn't your intention and you don't realize you are doing it, when you rush yourself back into the dating scene too quickly, that is what you do.

The good news is you are on the right track. Lean on your loved ones. Take up hobbies. Exercise. Anything constructive. At first, you are right, it isn't really going to help all that much. In time, though, those are exactly the sort of things that will start to help you tip the balance back toward being happy again and on the road to recovery.

Don't torture yourself by thinking about it TOO MUCH, but at the same time, don't push it from your mind completely. You need to take time now and then to sit down and examine the relationship. What did he do wrong that lead to it ending? What could you have done wrong? What could you both of you have done wrong? You need to learn and grow from the relationship so you aren't just doomed to make the same mistakes again.

Now, I don't know anything about you, about him, or about your relationship. So I can't know why you two broke up. However, I do know that it is rarely 100% one person's fault, so whether or not you feel you hold part of the blame, you need to remember that he is not innocent either.

For now, the important thing you need to re-learn is that you are awesome, and that any guy would be lucky to have you. If he doesn't see that, that is his loss. He had you and voluntarily gave you up. That is his loss, not yours. In time, the pain will subside and you will begin to realize how much better off you are without him.

In time, you will find a guy who knows how to treat you, who cherishes you and wouldn't dare to lose you. Then, you will really understand why you are so much better off without that guy. Frankly, you are better off alone than with somebody who does not value you the way they should.

So, just remember, you are awesome! Tell yourself that. Even if you don't believe it at first, you will in time. You are awesome and you deserve somebody great. You thought that was this guy, but it wasn't. That hurts, and it is okay to hurt, but soon that hurt will go away and leave you free to find your real soul mate. Good luck!

[fearoflove]

People get over breakups differently. I got over many of my past relationships by dating a bunch of guys. I know many people would advise not doing that. But I did not do that for 3 years, and I still couldn't get over him so I decided to try something new and it worked! Being obsessed with an ex is related to a scarcity mindset and lonliness (what I noticed but of course, you can't generalize). Dating other guys solves both issues.

Channel that negative energy (anger, sadness) into something positive. Work on yourself to make yourself more attractive and accomplished and show him what he is missing out (well, you don't necessarily have to show him but you can show yourself).

Also, make new friends, reach out to people to talk about your issues and heartbreak. Talking it out really helps.

[SuperHappyTime1]

I've been single for a month now. I've been trying to stay positive, jogging in the park, going away to family and friends on the weekends, working on a video diary and going to the beach to enjoy the summer.

However, I was dumped by my ex, who I'm still in love with after having been with him for a year and a half. He was so heartless in how he dumped me and I still feel so hurt inside.

Another part of me wants to meet someone - I have so much to offer, as I'm successful, independent, creative and want to share my life with a man who actually wants to commit to me.

I know I need to take time to strengthen myself and get over the hurt, but I'm very lonely and no friends or family can replace the feeling of waking up next to someone and being the love of someone's life.

Take your time. There are still plenty of good guys (like me!) out there who won't dump nice gals.

How soon should I start dating? Doing all of my hobbies isn't making me feel content or helping me move on.

How many of your hobbies involve interacting with other men? This is the easiest way to find another single person (advice for both genders). Don't be shy and make conversation.

[SadLove1980]

I have plenty of hobbies - including going running in the park every other day and I go out with friends to the beach or out for coffee. Problems is, a lot of the guys who just hang out at the park are just hanging out and they're in bad shape, so they probably realize I'm not going to sit around with them being lazy.
Also, there's no gaurantee a man I meet will WANT a relationship and has the same values as I do. I can meet 10 guys and none of them can want what I do

[TheEvilJester]

Tell me about it. That is kind of how the whole dating scene works, though. Until you meet people, you really have no way to know whether or not they would match you well. At the same time, though, if you don't make the effort to meet new people you will never find somebody who does. ....Says the guy who still doesn't know how to go about meeting new people.... women especially. So, I guess heed the advice of my words, not so much my actions. LOL!

I'm shy as Hell, but I am working on that. Sucky thing is these days it is less the shyness (which I've begun to force myself to get over) but the lack of any options. You could try online dating, where you get a little more of an idea of who a person is before you even meet. I really wish I could recommend that, but to be honest with you it has been nothing but a huge and hugely frustrating waste of time from my experience. Though, I would never deter somebody from giving it a try if they so desire. Maybe your experience would be different.

I think, though, that it is better to just go about your daily life. Take up new hobbies if you so desire, meet new people, etc. Eventually, through that you will hopefully find a guy who shares similar interests and would be interested in dating you. It is often better to find somebody that way rather than to be specifically looking for somebody to date.

Anyway, the way you are feeling is understandable and normal. You will feel better in time. Plus, in time you will find the right guy. Don't feel in a rush and wind up with the wrong guy as result. If you let things take their natural course, you will find the right guy and then you will realize how much happier that makes you. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you just sit back and expect life to happen to you. You can certainly do things to help nature along, so to speak. I am just saying much better to work on being happy being you, and the other pieces will fall into place.

Good luck, friend. As SuperHappyTime says, there ARE good guys out there. He's one.... I like to think I'm one (albeit there is perhaps an Evil Jester lurking in there as well), and there is one out there wondering where his dream girl is.... because he hasn't yet realized it is you.