i really need help, help me out

[yeexer]

so long story short, i once dated this girl, but this girl played me and really hurt my feelings. She fell in love with another guy and left me for him.
i was literally broken hearted, i would dream of her every night when i sleep. I would wake up with a heartache. i cried over her for a long time. But quite some time has passed, and she approached me again full of regret. She wanted to patch back with me, but i gave her a "one month test" and i realised that she has really changed and is alot better already. The only thing thats the same is that she still loves to club, but now she only goes when im going with her.

Ok anyway, the problem now is that. Since she hurt me so badly in the past, it had scarred me very very deeply and i find myself unable to trust her, i have talked to her about it and she said she'd try her best to prove to me she could be trusted again. I get extremely paranoid, i find myself thinking about what she is doing, is she flirting with other guys e.t.c whenever im not with her. I also get easily jealous, VERY EASILY, if a guy just hugs her i would get very defensive but i'll try to keep in to myself.

sometimes when im by myself, what she did to me last time will just keep on replaying in my mind. Then i start feeling the pain i felt again that time. I try to stop thinking and forget about what happened, but its not working

Also, i need constant reassurance, but i keep it to myself too. I only talk to her about it when i really cant hold it in. Sometimes i feel like she doesnt care but sometimes she does things that is extremely caring.

Since we patched, things have gotten alot better. But now the problem is me, because im so constantly paranoid and afraid that im not happy myself. I know this is not healthy and have been trying to get help. I searched several forums and i think i may have signs of anxiety disorder. I really want us to work out and my paranoia is a huge obstacle. So please give me some advice, thanks :-)

[basilandthyme]

This anxiety disorder.....is it generalised anxiety - or just regarding her? Because if it's the latter, I'd say that it's not a disorder - rather, she's just blown your trust once and for all.

Do therapy if your anxiety is everywhere. But if it's situational because of her, then perhaps you really need to put her in the past.

[yeexer]

This anxiety disorder.....is it generalised anxiety - or just regarding her? Because if it's the latter, I'd say that it's not a disorder - rather, she's just blown your trust once and for all.

Do therapy if your anxiety is everywhere. But if it's situational because of her, then perhaps you really need to put her in the past.

its just regarding her. But she really changed. I know this can work out well if i can just get rid of the paranoia of mine

[TheEvilJester]

To be honest with you, I sort of wish you came to us before you two got back together looking for advice on whether or not you should. I'd have told you HELL no. Why did she deserve another shot after what she did to you? Oh, sure, people CAN change, but it is very rare they do, especially so quickly. What the Hell is going to stop her from just hurting you again? She tossed you aside like you meant nothing. Why did she even deserve another chance?

But, perhaps I am just too cynical. I've said this before and will probably say it again, but I don't have a very high opinion of my fellow humans, so it may perhaps just be that my opinion is too framed from my own personal experiences.

So, you say you think she truly has changed and it can work this time.....


Here's the good news...

You have every damn right and every damn reason to be so freaked out and paranoid. She ruined your trust. It is her job to rebuild that. Here's some more good news. You obviously realize that you are just being paranoid and you want to stop. I wish I could tell you there was a magic spell you could chant to fix it, but unfortunately all that will change that is time and her continued proof that she deserves your trust. IF she truly proves she is worthy, in time your paranoia should fade.

It is understandable you are so reluctant to trust her right now. You are on the right track, though, by doing your best not to constantly act on that paranoia. Let's pretend for a minute she has sincerely changed and sincerely wants to make it work. (I may doubt that myself, but for the sake of giving you advice....) If she's done nothing to prove she is still untrustworthy, then she doesn't deserve to be mistrusted forever. Eventually, if she has done nothing to disprove that she is sincere this time, then you need to let go of your past hurt feelings and truly and fully let her back in.

I just recommend a favorite little phrase of mine, "cautious optimism." Let her back in slowly the more and more she proves herself worthy. Don't just completely let her back in until she proves she deserves it. Otherwise, you just risk hurt you don't need and do not deserve.

For your sake, I hope this does work out. If not, though, then I hope at least it shows you that you deserve better. Good luck to you.

[SuperHappyTime1]

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean someone isn't out to get you though.

I'd assume she's being loyal, unless something she says or does is really fishy. Its then that you can vent you still mistrust her.

I'd also be in the state of mind that you can dump her outright. That's not a message of positivity, but you shouldn't allow you to get jerked around by someone who doesn't love you.

[TheEvilJester]

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean someone isn't out to get you though.

Yes, that sums it up quite nicely, I think. In other words, just because you are perhaps being a tad overly paranoid, that doesn't automatically mean you don't have valid reasons to feel that way. In this case, hopefully those valid reasons are only her past behaviors and not her present behaviors. If her present behaviors begin to reinforce that paranoia rather than relieve it, that would be a good first sign that perhaps she has not changed.

Good luck to you.