Who's right and who's wrong? Me or Him?

[CarrieS]

Okay.... so my boyfriend was caught several months ago texting a female co-worker of his. I had asked him before not to have contact with her outside of work unless it was work related. The text I found were not work related and did invlove "friendly" content that some could consider flirting. I went to him with how I was upset that he assured me he would not text her unless it was related to work stuff but he did anyways. He apologized, assured me it was innocent an promised it wouldn't happen again. Well, a few months later it DID happen again. But this time before I addressed him about it he deleted the messages from his phone. So again, I was upset and I went to him very upset about how he promised not to have convo's with her outside of work and I was upset he broke his promise and how I was even more upset that he tried to cover his tracks by deleting the messages so I wouldn't know. Well, he apologized, assured me it wouldn't happen again, and PROMISED he'd never talk to her outside of work unless it was about work and he promised he'd NEVER delete text again. Well, a month later guess what happened? Yes, he had convos with her again and DELETED them out of his phone before he thought I saw them. So, I was livid. I went to him very upset and with all trust completely broken. He claimed he did it because he was afraid I'd see text between him and her and I'd get upset. He then claimed I was ridiculous for not allowing him and his co-worker to talk outside of work and that I was controlling. I stated that I was more upset about the fact that he kept breaking his promises than over anything else.

Anyways.... now, there is a surprise birthday party coming up next weekend for his co-worker Adam who he's recently become closer friends with. Of course, his female Co-worker will be there. I told him that I was uncomfortable with him going to the party. He basically said "too bad, you're being controlling, it's my friend's party, I don't care about her, I'm going whether you like it or not." I told him that he's damaged our relationship and it would gain my trust if he showed he cared about my feelings over going to some party where he's sees these people everyday at work anyways. Well, he's dead set on going to the party and saying I'm be controlling and I need to "get over" what he did.

ADVICE?

[Nicolelong]

(I will assume that he has not cheated in the past, and this coworker is not an ex)

I have male friends. My husband has female friends. People have friends outside of their relationships, or at least they should.

I don't think it's appropriate for you to be habitually snooping through his phone. It's happened to me before and it feels like an invasion of privacy, even though I wasn't doing anything inappropriate. It breeds resentment and feelings of control. If he wants to be friends with his coworker, that's his right. You have no place to tell him who he can or can't be friends with based on who you feel insecure over. You have snooped through his phone, found only a fraction of a conversation, and have jumped to your own conclusions based on that. Even you admit that "some could (it) consider flirting." When you look at it with a suspicious mind, you could interpret pretty much anything friendly as being flirtatious.

No, he shouldn't have hid the fact that he talked to her again, but he did it to avoid further confrontation from you. He's trying to maintain a friendship and avoid your wrath at the same time, so he deleted the messages. You've put him in an incredibly awkward position, and this is how he handled it. You have forced him into this corner. Who wants to approach their coworker, someone they deal with every day, and say "My girlfriend says I'm not allowed to talk to you anymore, so stop texting me." It's silly and emasculating. Not only that, but it makes you look insecure, hard to please, and controlling.

It sounds like his work crew are also buddies, which is great. Of course he wants to go to his friend's birthday party! And of course she would want to be there too! For you to give him an ultimatum not to go in order to please you is ridiculous. You cannot expect him to drop friends for you because you feel jealous.

He is getting angry with you, and I don't blame him. You need to get a grip on your jealousy before he decides to break the relationship off. No one wants to be with someone that acts this way.

If you want to be with him, I would suggest to you to apologize for the way you've acted, and give this girl a chance. Why not get to know her?? You might find you're less intimidated by someone you've connected with yourself. Go make nice!

[CarrieS]

Thank you for your response Nicolelong,

I tried not to give too much of a back story because it would have been long and drawn out. I have met the co-worker before. She was at the company Christmas party and a few other social engagements we've attended. We are curtious to each other. She is very flirtatious by nature and I could tell at the party she was "interested" in my boyfriend.
My boyfriend has a long history of lying to me and breaking promises on multiple other much more serious issues. If he's cheated, I do not know. But I do know that porn and looking at other women has been a big issue and he's been caught doing that several times even though he promised he wasn't and wouldn't ever hurt me like that. We were even seeing a counselor together over his perversion/fetishes and through it all he still can't stop lying and hiding things. So, this does run deeper than a co-worker at a party but I posted this issue because it's the current one I'm facing on the surface of all the problems that lay below.

[basilandthyme]

Yeah, you're being controlling. And the reason he hid his conversations with her was because it was easier than being honest with you. In short, you've brought this upon yourself. Yes, he should have told you upfront that he has no intention of letting you dictate who he will speak to - but he's doing that now, so at least you know where you stand.

I don't know the reason you've been wanting to ban contact between them. Perhaps they've been inappropriate and you have every right to worry. But the thing is, it's wrong to try and control a person's life. If you don't like a person's choices in life (and let's face it, people can do things which are totally unacceptable to us) then you don't control them - you leave them.

[starbar]

If you feel threatened by her and believe he may have feelings for her or that he might cheat (why else would you be so upset about this) then you should listen to your gut instinct and end this relationship. He is continuing to text her and deleting messages, flirting, going to parties without you where she will be etc and he doesn't care that you feel insecure and upset about this. As his primary partner you should come first and he should respect your feelings.

I don't think its controlling or unreasonable not wanting him texting or flirting with other women. That would be a deal breaker for me too and I would not disrespect my partner that way either

[TheEvilJester]

Here's the thing.... A) It shouldn't matter in a relationship/in an argument who is "right" or "wrong." B) To be perfectly honest, I think you are both a little right and a little wrong.

Unless he's given you valid reason to think he is not trustworthy, you shouldn't be so quick to jump to conclusions or so overly concerned with somebody who is just a friend, male or female. All the same, unless he and this co-worker have been friends a while, I can't see why the heck he'd necessarily need to talk to her outside of work, so I don't see why it should be such a problem for him to simply not. What he is doing that is wrong it to keep constantly promising you he will stop only to prove insincere.... and even worse to try to cover his tracks.

I would agree with what the others have said that you've sort of made him feel he has to be secretive to avoid issues with you..... but at the same time if he had no intention of ceasing to be her friend, he should have just been honest with you and talked to you about it. I would hope if he made it very clear to you that they were just friends and he would never do anything to hurt you.... AND he continued to prove true to his word, that in time you'd be okay with it and know he can be trusted. So, he certainly didn't help matters by blatantly lying to you.

Your feelings are understandable, but at the same time that doesn't automatically excuse mistrust where none is due. So, like I said, this is not a black and white situation. You are right in ways and he is in others. You two should have a sincere conversation and figure out a reasonable middle ground that would make you both feel comfortable.

As for the party, I understand how you feel, but this is a birthday party for his friend. He should go, and you shouldn't try to stop him from going. Is it a work only thing, or could he bring you?

[Wakeup]

The bottom line is that you think what he is doing is a basic relationship boundary cross and he does not.

You have two choices: Either you leave him because you don't have the same sensibilities when it comes to this sort of thing or... You stay and you learn to accept that he is not going to stop doing what he's doing.

You are not being controlling by asking him to stop doing what he's doing when it is something that is a relationship boundary cross for you. You gave him a chance to stop it, by asking him to and he said he would ~ he hasn't and he then began lying to you in order to keep it up. That equals two people not on the same page when it comes to the topic of opposite sex friendships. It also means he lies in order to placate you until he finally tells you the truth in that he is not going to do what you ask.

Having said all that; What do you think you should do now that you know that about him?


*BTW: Your mistrust of him is an issue Is it just him that you don't trust (if so, why? {other then the obvious lying to you that he would stop but didn't}) or are you like this in all your romantic relationships wherein you snoop like you have been on him?


*Something to note: Many, many emotional affairs (which often lead to physical ones) start with two co-workers taking their jobs past the office and chatting after hours. I would hazard a guess that your boyfriend has more invested in this girl then just a chat buddy. If there isn't anything going on now, then I'd bet you a buck, there will be soon enough. Have you asked to join him at this birthday party? If you haven't you should and then let us know what he has to say about that.