Question about sex for the ladies

[PaulieWalnuts]

My wife and I have been married 14 years. If it matters, she is 42 and I'm 48. We have always had amazing sex once we get into the bed and get things rolling. The problem is getting there.
I want to clarify that I do my part in the bedroom. I could understand if a husband didn't know what he was doing, skipped foreplay; was a selfish lover or didn't satisfy his woman's needs. That's not the case here. Lets just say that for every time I "win" in bed, she "wins" 10-15 times, and she gets the full treatment; oral, fingers (Which she really likes) and a healthy does of of intercourse. Seeing her climax is the most exciting part of love-making for me. When I was younger, like many men I had a premature problem; now its the opposite...I really have to work to get over that cliff, if you know what I mean. Anything she wants, I give it to her. Whenever we finish, and I say "That was amazing," her response is always, "It always is."
Despite the aforementioned, it is always I who has to ask for sex, and I pretty much have to ask beforehand; she turns me down so often I no longer try spontaneous sex, as it is more difficult for me to deal with the rejection if I try to start and am rebuffed, than if I simply ask and am told "no." (To be truthful, that hurts too) Its as if she doesn't need intimacy with me at all; its just a bonus for her- but maybe that's because she knows its always available for her whenever she wants.
So hungry am I for this contact, I've given her an open and standing offer throughout our marriage: Any evening she wants, I will give her oral sex and digital (Fingers) no strings attached; I don't require or expect her to reciprocate at all. I figure this makes it very easy for her; a relaxing time of being pleasured before she showers. In 14 years of marriage, I think she has taken me up on this offer about 3-4 times.
Any advice? I'm losing my mind here, and feeling hurt.

[basilandthyme]

A couple of random thoughts first up:

How much one enjoys sex doesn't necessarily have an impact on their libido. A person can have really great sex once a week/month and that may be enough for them.

What frequency would she rate as ideal? (Don't guess on her behalf. What does SHE say?) And what frequency would you want? Do you ask her for sex more than what she sees as an ideal amount? Does she feel that she's forever fending you off? Does she feel that each time she snuggles into you that you'll get horny?

While your offer of no strings sexual pleasure sounds good in theory, it's still sex. If she doesn't want sex, then she doesn't want sexual play. It's no surprise that she hasn't taken you up on it. If she's not horny, then she'd probably much prefer to you to brush her hair than fiddle with her genitals

There are a whole lot of other issues which can come into play when there are libido issues. Causes include (but not limited to) Tiredness, stress, hormonal problems, medication side effects, obesity, marriage problems, marital disconnect, lack of physical attraction to the partner.

If her libido is lost (as opposed to simply lower than yours), there's a great book by Dr Rosie King called Where Did My Libido Go? I highly recommend it for troubleshooting where the problem is and ways to go about addressing it.

[PaulieWalnuts]

I haven't asked her how frequently she would like it, but she's told me before its not that important to her. She knows it is to me. I'd probably like it 2-3 times a week, but in the interest of compromise, I'd settle for twice a week on average. We're averaging less than 3 times per month.
At what point does one give a little out of consideration for their spouse, instead of just what they want? I'd say I've gone above and beyond to accommodate her.
How put off could one be to experience something they thoroughly enjoy? (Orgasmically, even) It blows fuses in my brain even trying to wrap my head around that.

[basilandthyme]

I agree that a spouse needs to be aware of their partner's needs and find compromise. But you're not offering much in the way of compromise there. You want it 2-3 times a week and would settle for twice...that's pretty much getting what you want. Compromise would probably look more like like 1-2x per week. But she has to want to compromise.

You ask why someone wouldn't want to experience something they enjoy. Did you read the reasons I wrote down which can cause loss of libido?

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Also, you say that you've gone above and beyond to accommodate her. Yes, I hear that you take care of her needs sexually. But how on board are you with not working terrible hours? Are you there for the kids? Are you happy, positive and good company for her to be around? Do the two of you still laugh together? When did you last go on a date night? How often do you cook dinner or clean the kitchen? When was the last time you cleaned the toilet thoroughly? Are you there for her emotionally?

Would you say that she is happy in the marriage and still adores you?

The actual sex is only a tiny part of the issue here. Sex (or lack of) cannot be looked at without considering the rest of one's lifestyle.

[PaulieWalnuts]

I agree that a spouse needs to be aware of their partner's needs and find compromise. But you're not offering much in the way of compromise there. You want it 2-3 times a week and would settle for twice...that's pretty much getting what you want. Compromise would probably look more like like 1-2x per week.

I disagree. To be honest, I'd like every night, but I'd settle with a compromise for 2 times a week to be reasonable. What I actually get is 3 times a month or less. Who isn't compromising? She isn't. She's not budging. The only criteria governing if we do it is what she wants. Period.

You ask why someone wouldn't want to experience something they enjoy. Did you read the reasons I wrote down which can cause loss of libido?

Yes, but its not a loss of labido. Its been this way since the beginning... even when we were newlyweds and she was in her late twenties.

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Also, you say that you've gone above and beyond to accommodate her. Yes, I hear that you take care of her needs sexually. But how on board are you with not working terrible hours?

Who said they are terrible hours? We used to have more closely matching hours. I'm a night owl, and so is she. She constantly complains that she can't stay up late like she wants since she took this new job.

Are you there for the kids?

Actually, they're my kids. They are only here with us for two weeks at spring break, Thanksgiving or Christmas, and a couple of months in the summer. I take lots of time off to hang out with them, and they are usually w/ my parents half of the rest of the time. My oldest (17) is more like my wife's BFF than a child. They do everything together when she's here. But I have noticed that every time the kids come to visit, she has no patience with me, and we are guaranteed 2-3 blow out fights. (Which consist of her turning into the ice queen and not speaking to me for days on end) I get it. When they are here, here normal routine is turned upside down and my attention is divided with them. But she gets too irritable about it.

Are you happy, positive and good company for her to be around?

I would say so. The only time I'm down is when she is, or occasionally, when things are going against me in a particular week or so. Even so, I'm not generally short or negative toward her; when I'm in that funk, she complains that I vent about how bummed I am to her.

Do the two of you still laugh together?

Of course.

When did you last go on a date night?

We go out to a nice dinner at least once a week alone, sometimes more often. Another night of the week, we will often have dinner out w/ my parents.

How often do you cook dinner or clean the kitchen?

Neither one of us cooks. We usually clean house on Saturday. I do half the work. Riding my chopper is my therapy for my mental health; on Fridays, I'm off, and I ride all day long (During her work hours) then meet her for dining out. If its raining or snowing, then I clean the entire house by myself on my Friday, so she can relax on Saturday. I feel bad for her because she works 6 days a week many weeks.

When was the last time you cleaned the toilet thoroughly?

See above.

Are you there for her emotionally?

Yes. She's my soulmate.

Would you say that she is happy in the marriage and still adores you?

Most of the time. Her recurring complaint is that I "keep" things from her. I'm an airhead about some things, absent-minded and forgetful. (I blow that at work sometimes, too) She takes it personally, and refuses to believe I forgot to tell her something- she thinks I don't want to talk to her. Also, to me, if its not important to me, I have no desire to chit chat about it. She apparently wants me to pass on every minutia of info that passes through my brain. She doesn't get that its just not important enough for me to talk about, or I forget. I'll try to work on that, but I don't really get it. I talk to her about the stuff that's important to me, and she yawns. I tell her things I tell no one else. I trust her.

The actual sex is only a tiny part of the issue here. Sex (or lack of) cannot be looked at without considering the rest of one's lifestyle.

Maybe you're right, but I feel like she is selfish when it comes to sex. She's getting everything she wants, and isn't very concerned about what I want.

[basilandthyme]

OK, so now we're starting to get to the bottom of the problem. It's not a lost libido but a low libido. I'm with you now. Thing is, in the name of compromise she probably could push herself to have sex with you twice a week, but I would imagine that this isn't what you want. You want her to want it.

Have the two of you sought marriage counselling? Or sex counselling? Someone to work through this with the two of you together. I don't suppose she was she raised with ideas about sex being sinful or dirty? Body image issues? Is she relatively fit and healthy? Still throwing out ideas of things which may effect her libido.

One comment about her being your 'soulmate'. Do you realise that your soulmate doesn't seem to care about your libido and needs? Just putting it out there.

[starbar]

If shes always been this way then the reality is she just has a low sex drive. Would she consider taking steps to increase her sex drive? There are lots of natural or herbal remedies that claim to boost libido and are safe.

[Wakeup]

If you're having a hard time cumming then maybe she's going to avoid sex just because it's too much work to get you there. Or, she may even feel inadequate because she can't get you there??? Not to mention that if you're making her come 15 times (or even pretend to cum that many times) then maybe she just isn't up to that strenuous of a session???? Maybe you ought to just make her cum once, real nice and then call it a night? Perhaps then she'll want to do it more then once a month???

[basilandthyme]

I missed the bit about you having trouble getting there and Wakeup has a point about the duration of the sex sessions. There is a time and place for a quickie. Especially if it's in the name of compromise.

Marathons can be excellent, but not everyone wants a marathon every time. Now, I can't speak for your wife, but I do think this is something worth discussing with her.

Sometimes, less is more.

[dontaskme]

She cums 10-15x???? Jeezuz! No wonder she only wants sex 3x a month, her clits is probably numb after climaxing 10-15x!

How long does she need to ride the horse before the pony gets to its destination?

[PaulieWalnuts]

OK, so now we're starting to get to the bottom of the problem. It's not a lost libido but a low libido.

That's where it starts getting tricky. Yes and no. Without trying to be too graphic, I'll say that once I start foreplay, the "launch sequence" is initiated and can't be aborted. She has a serious itch that needs scratching. The problem is her resistance to me starting that process.

You want her to want it.

Bingo.

Have the two of you sought marriage counselling? Or sex counselling? Someone to work through this with the two of you together.

My wife is Taiwanese and grew up in a family with very traditional Chinese values. That's a non-possibility with her. She is very modest and a very private person. Even other Taiwanese or Chinese people have told me that even they are like, "DAMN!" when it comes to how conservative her family is.

I don't suppose she was she raised with ideas about sex being sinful or dirty?

Not really, just very private.

Body image issues? Is she relatively fit and healthy? Still throwing out ideas of things which may effect her libido.

Yes, she's in terrific shape for her age. Flat, hard tummy, could bounce quarters off her butt, and everyone thinks she's in her late twenties and I'm robbing the cradle. Ha ha.

One comment about her being your 'soulmate'. Do you realise that your soulmate doesn't seem to care about your libido and needs? Just putting it out there.

Trust me, that point isn't lost on me. Can't say it doesn't hurt. The irony is that the rejection is so difficult for me that for long periods (Six months, a year, for example) I will tell her I'm done asking. After a while, she'll basically tell me she misses me asking and wants me to ask her, (As opposed to her initiating) so it resumes again until I've had it.

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If shes always been this way then the reality is she just has a low sex drive. Would she consider taking steps to increase her sex drive? There are lots of natural or herbal remedies that claim to boost libido and are safe.

Again, I'm not sure that's true. She says no a lot, but even when she complains she's tired, once I initiate the launch sequence, she ends up glad I persisted.

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If you're having a hard time cumming then maybe she's going to avoid sex just because it's too much work to get you there. Or, she may even feel inadequate because she can't get you there??? Not to mention that if you're making her come 15 times (or even pretend to cum that many times) then maybe she just isn't up to that strenuous of a session???? Maybe you ought to just make her cum once, real nice and then call it a night? Perhaps then she'll want to do it more then once a month???

Its not that much work for her, though I understand all of those climaxes are physically demanding. She's pretty submissive in bed and likes for me to "take charge," so I'm doing all of the physical work, if you catch my drift.
When I offer her oral only, she always turns it down, saying that when she does it, she wants "the full treatment."
She doesn't "pretend." If her mood is off, or something is bothering her, she "wins" far less. She doesn't try to impress me.

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I missed the bit about you having trouble getting there and Wakeup has a point about the duration of the sex sessions. There is a time and place for a quickie. Especially if it's in the name of compromise.

Marathons can be excellent, but not everyone wants a marathon every time. Now, I can't speak for your wife, but I do think this is something worth discussing with her.

Sometimes, less is more.

After seeing your post, I asked her. She said,"Sometimes," and asked why. I told her I was trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, and she said I "don't do anything wrong."

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She cums 10-15x???? Jeezuz! No wonder she only wants sex 3x a month, her clits is probably numb after climaxing 10-15x!

How long does she need to ride the horse before the pony gets to its destination?

The only time her clit gets touched is when I give her oral. I'd say it only takes her about a minute to three minutes to cum, with about the same refractory time.

[basilandthyme]

OK, so we've gone through a stack of ideas and it seems that there is no fixable cause for her not wanting sex. She just doesn't want it much. So, we're simply looking at an issue of low libido.

There's not much you can do about it short of making plans for compromise. And given her private attitude and lack of communication, I'm not sure you'll even get far talking about it with her.

Sorry I can't be more helpful.

[Wakeup]

You've established a pattern of you doing the seducing and her doing the submitting. It is what it is. You can change your attitude about having to initiate/seduce every time and just be happy that you can conquer her every so often but you'll never change her. Who she is, is who you have.

[smarta$$]

Something to consider: maybe YOU initiating is part of the foreplay for her... making her feel desired and wanted.

And speaking as a woman who really enjoys sex, 10-15 orgasms (whether real or faked) sounds exhausting. You make having sex with you sound like an extra job... I hope you are exaggerating.

[PaulieWalnuts]

Something to consider: maybe YOU initiating is part of the foreplay for her... making her feel desired and wanted.

That doesn't dovetail with the facts. Most of the time, it is I who initiate- or try, and most of the time I'm turned down. And once I convince her to come to bed, its always fantastic for both of us. (She communicates that regularly) Its just convincing her to come to bed that is the problem.

And speaking as a woman who really enjoys sex, 10-15 orgasms (whether real or faked) sounds exhausting. You make having sex with you sound like an extra job... I hope you are exaggerating.

I love how you're the third person to imply that these must be either faked orgasms, or exaggeration on my part to stroke the ego.
I've found this to be the case with Asian women- very responsive, sensitive, loud, and multi-orgasmic- though I admit my wife is the most prolific woman I've ever been with for the number of orgasms.

Don't judge others' situations by your own.