Cold break up, Did I do the right thing?

[milli]

Hi everyone!

It is the first time I'm summarizing my story ever, in order to seek clarity and MOVE ON for good. I need your honest opinion guys, your help in a way, because I'm moving slowly out of this situation and your rational feedback will help me greatly for SURE! Thanks in advance!

SITUATION:

I just got out of a relationship that lasted 4 years.
2 years long distance (him in France, me in Canada).
2 years in Canada.

THE RELATIONSHIP HIGHLIGHTS
We had our good times and less glorious times, mainly because he has a tendency to go chase after other women for validation and that brung a lot of insecurities in me. We discussed that, went through a rough phase where he flirted with another woman.**After that episode, we saw a relationship therapist and that helped us getting closer**. Though! In the very latter stage of the relationship, he admitted having affairs (yes, plural) during the second year of our relationship, when we were long distance and seeing each others every two months.

That turned me off right there, but since we developed a great friendly relationship through the years, we talked about it calmly since I was somehow interested in knowing what was the context, the reasons, etc.. I really thought to myself at that point though, wow 'that guy is a freakin jerk and a liar'. We didn't break up at that point, but a few weeks later, while he was visiting his family and friends in France, I told him over the phone that I had enough and that was it. He agreed, and we remained in contact while he was in France.

When he got back (end of May), we re-fell into each other arms though... But this time, he told me he didn't want us to be together because he was unsure and needed time to figure things out. His decision was made. I guess that since he was so closed to a possible future together, since he had all the control over the situation, I started to feel helpless and I even (oh my!!) tried to talk him through a possible reconciliation and working on our problems, yikes! I'm not proud of it but I'm being honest with you guys.

NOW WHAT?
He is going back for good to France this coming Wednesday. He was still living with me until last Wednesday but I had to ask him to move out of my apartment for the last week before his departure because it was too difficult for me emotionally (he was leaving for long hours everyday, coming back home really late at night, living at my place like it was an hotel). The last few days he was here, my behaviour toward him changed radically. I cut all the communication and since he left, I haven't wrote him a word, no text, no calls, nada. Before that, I was very eager to communicate with him and talking about our situation.

FINAL SCENE
The night before he left my apartment for good, he asked me if we could talk. I was cold as ice and he cried and told me that he was so sorry about all he was doing to me. He came behind me and hugged me saying sorry. He said that he didn't wanted me out of his life, and that he was not moving out of the relationship BECAUSE of me but because he was lost and had to spend some time on its own. He said he has lost his confidence, etc.. We had talked about it before (a lot) and I was sad but remained very rational and cold and cut the conversation in a dry way (I had been very comprehensive before and talked a LOT with him trying to get us through it), I told him that no further discussions where needed, that he now has all the time to figure his things out but that I wanted to cut ALL communications so we could make our new lives separately. We had talked about remaining friends before but I understand through time that being friends was impossible and that it was a very soothing idea for him, to have all my attention, while not being in a relationship together.

I still have obsessions about making this relationship work, it is crazy and irationnal so this is why I'm looking for your opinions, your encouragements, your experiences to keep moving on and letting all this behind me!

THANKS a lot!!

[basilandthyme]

He's left you to go back home. It's perfectly sensible to cut him out of your life in order to get over him.

Make sure to block/unfriend him on all social media too.

[SuperHappyTime1]

I still have obsessions about making this relationship work, it is crazy and irationnal so this is why I'm looking for your opinions, your encouragements, your experiences to keep moving on and letting all this behind me!

I'd look no further than your own sensible opinion. It's crazy and irrational to make this relationship work, especially with a guy (from what you said based on the last week) who clearly doesn't have any respect for you or your relationship. If it's been four years and he is still "lost" after the number of lifelines you've thrown, it's time to end the search party.

Best of luck to you!

[Wakeup]

I still have obsessions about making this relationship work, it is crazy and irationnal so this is why I'm looking for your opinions,

Its natural to want the relationship to work because you are withdrawing from the habit/addiction of having him in your life. He's not in it anymore so your ego and your psyche are looking for ways to get another hit of who you have become, in the last 4 years, addicted to.

With your good sense and your devotion to keeping ZERO CONTACT from him, you will soon enough be detoxed from the "addiction" and you'll get to the stage of indifference to him.

Good for you on having the strength to tell him that you would not be demoted to that of "Just friend" from lover/friend/partner. You love yourself enough to not settle for that bit of fluff. You're going to be just fine.

[TheEvilJester]

I'll put it this way....

You don't miss HIM. Not really. What you miss is the him you thought he was. What you miss is the way that made you feel. You can and you WILL find that with somebody else, and it will be so much better when it is sincere.

I don't think you need us to tell you that you are doing the right thing.... but Hell, I'll do it anyway....

YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING!

Frankly, I can't see how you could even have ever taken him back or put up with any of that in the first place. The FIRST time you learned he cheated probably should have been the final straw. But, you tried to make it work. You tried to look past it, and I think that makes you both strong and awesome. It doesn't, in my mind, make you weak. Why? Because in your case, you actually DID care enough about yourself to put your foot down once and for all when it got to be too much.

You did not just keep letting him mistreat you and then just keep going back to him when he swore up and down "Oh, baby, I swear I'll change." So, the fact that you wanted to give him a chance, in my opinion, was proof of how strong you are.

And now you are strong enough to miss the connection you thought you had, but still know that he is not good for you. You are on the right track. You are awesome, and you deserve somebody equally awesome. That's the opinion you need to have. In time the pain will fade. Just remember, I'll say it again..... You don't really miss HIM. You miss the idea of who you THOUGHT he was. Getting back with him would be getting back with the lying, cheating him, not the him you thought he was.

Good luck to you. I hope soon you find the guy of your dreams, who will treat you like his one and only and would never dare do anything to risk losing you.

[starbar]

He sounds like an a**hole and I honestly don't see reason to waste anymore time on him. He has hurt you so many times and you have finally managed to find some sense of self worth and realized that this is detrimental to your emotional and mental health. This guy is toxic and has only dragged you down and recked your confidence. I think he deserved the cold ending you gave him. It may even make him realize you are not the fool he thought you were and he cannot mess with your emotions any longer coz you wont allow him to!!

Cut ALL contact with him. Make it impossible for him to contact you. This way the dumper becomes the dumpee.. You see he is the one losing here. He is losing a beautiful, intelligent, honest, loyal woman and his loss os someone elses gain. You are not losing anything really coz hes an insecure, lying, selfish, cheating tool who has no real sense of who he is or what he wants and cannot see a good thing right in front of his two faced face..

By being callous and cold, cutting him off and not being the ego boost he needs by constantly chasing him, he will realize what he has lost and only then will he be hurting like he hurt you many times over. He will prob try to crawl back too coz dogs like him always do. They stray for awhile thinking they can bounce back anytime.. well enough is enough! you deserve better and you need to stay living in this dysfunction. give yourself a chance to be happy with someone who respects and loves you and gives to the relationship what they get. not someone who just takes

[Nicolelong]

I honestly think it's a great thing he's moving back to France. I think he got upset and cried because after all this time, he Finally sees that you are over his BS and he no longer has power over you.You are absolutely doing the right thing. He has done some pretty awful things, cheating, lying, disrespecting, using you for a place to stay, playing with your emotions.... good riddance to bad rubbish!

It's going to be awesome having him so completely out of sight. You don't have to worry about running into him, hearing about him, nothing! Talk about ideal. I'd go a step further and get rid of his social media ties too. Out of sight, out of mind. Take it day by day.

I get the impression you've hit the stage where you are really determined to move on, and with this attitude you'll pull it off