I think I need some advice here! ;)

[Just-someone]

Hi guys!

So normally I'm pretty (I guess) okay with reading people, but this time I'm confused about where I stand exactly. I guess I just need to hear the ideas and thought, and maybe advice, from people other than myself. So here goes.. sorry for the long story in advance

I've met a girl about 3 months ago, so I haven't known her for a long time. We started talking with each other a bit and I noticed she was keeping a bit of a distance, though she wasn't completely distancing herself from me. I was okay with it, because I like to go 'slow', as they say. Later on things got a bit more serious between us, and she told me she's going travelling, leaving the beginning of September. She doesn't know how long she will be away. She wanted to tell me, because this changes the situation. It's hard to be with someone who's leaving for an unknown amount of time. We both agreed on that. I was just glad she told me in all honesty. We started talking about us next, because where do we stand in a situation like this? That's when she told me why she was keeping a distance between the two of us. She already knew she was going away and didn't want to get close with someone in a romantic way, but at the same time she couldn't stop herself from wanting to talk to me and see me. She basically gave me an out if I wanted one. I was thinking to myself: maybe it's better to stop right away. It will save me a lot of heartache and sadness, but at the same time..I can't explain guys. I know it sounds super cliché, but there's something about her and I can't put my finger on it. I've been in a relationship for 4 years, and trust me, I loved this girl, but still it was different. With this girl, when I started seeing her, it felt like I've known her for years. It's just strange, I can't explain it.

Anyway, we both decided that we would just make the best of it as long as we could. Risky of course, but it's hard to cut something off when it feels good. She was really clear about our situation. A relationship isn't a possibility now because this journey is very important to her. She's been depressed quite some time (she told me the depression's in the past now) and this is, as she describes it herself, an opportunity for her to be free and to reconnect and rediscover herself. She doesn't want to leave someone behind here and feel guilty because of it. I mean, I can understand that completely. Once again, I was just super glad she was being so clear and honest with me. Of course I want something different, a different situation, I want her, but I do realize it's quite difficult in our situation.

At some point it seemed like she let her guard down or something. She was saying really sweet things to me and really showed me she wanted to see me and stuff. Now it sounds like she never said something sweet before that, that's not the case, but she was way more open and available towards me. This lasted about 3 weeks when all of a sudden she put her shield up again and was being distant again. I was stressing out, because I thought it had something to do with me. I asked her why she changed her behaviour all of a sudden, and she told me she was not feeling very well and her mind was a chaos. So I thought, alright, it will blow over, but before I knew it, weeks had passed and the distance was still very much there. She wasn't taking any initiative to see me, if I asked her if she wanted to hang out, her responses were never really enthusiastic, more like: "Yes I will see how things go tomorrow, I will let you know". I was getting really frustrated with this behaviour, because it really started to feel like she didn't like me anymore, but when I asked her if she wanted to quit this between us, she constantly said no.

When we were together in person it felt complete. Nothing was different, it even felt like we were closer each time we saw each other. She was completely different towards me in real life than she was outside of that. When she was with me in person, she was showing me affection, but as soon as she walked out the door, she went all neutral again. At some point, it not only frustrated me, it annoyed me as well. I was actually doubting whether I even meant something to her in the first place or if I was being used.

At one point, I got enough and asked her what the heck was wrong. I told her I've given her plenty of room to quit this between us if she wanted to. I'm giving her all the space in the world in general as well. I maybe see her once or twice a week. If she has something else to do, fine, no problem. But I believe that if we both choose to continue this, we have to get the best out of it. This is not getting the best out of it. This is confusing. It's confusing when someone is like this when you see her, and like that when you don't see her. It's like you're dealing with two different persons in one who are the complete opposite of each other.

So the next day I got her response which went a bit like this: I'm sorry if I hurt you. It was never my intention to cause you any pain whatsoever. I do think it's best to stop this now, because all I can do is hurt you. I feel suffocated, but that's not because of you, I feel suffocated by everyone around me. I don't talk much with anyone at the moment, I talk with you the most even. I want to be there for you, but I can't, because I'm dealing with my own shit right now. I can't explain what's wrong with me and actually, I don't want to explain. I care so much about you, but I just can't give you what you want/need right now. You deserve 10.000 times better than this. I don't know why I act the way I do, I don't want to, but I can't get myself to act different. I feel super guilty and bad about it myself. I don't want to treat you this way.

That was what she sent me. I didn't get mad, I just had a lot of questions. It feels to me she ended this out of protection for the both of us. It feels to me like it has got nothing to do with her feelings for me and that's driving me crazy. It really is. We actually planned to see each other on monday and she sent me this message on saturday. On sunday we didn't talk at all. I just let her be.

On monday morning I had a really weird thing going on. I was half asleep, half awake, and was dreaming about instagram where she kept on posting pictures. A few pictures were actually pictures she really put on instagram the day before. Those were party pics where she looks all smiley and happy. But after that she kept on posting pictures of a person sitting in a kind of depressed position with English quotations (I'm Dutch) beneath it like "I'm so confused", "I want things to be good between us", etc etc. Then I opened my eyes and I was thinking: wow what was that? And I closed my eyes again and it all started over again. When I woke up for real I got a message from her if I wanted to see her that evening.

We talked about it and she said it had nothing to do with me. She's just not in a good place right now. We talked about it briefly and further on just had a good time with each other. But there was still this vibe, this tension between us. Like looking each other in the eye for a long time, and she kept on smiling to me and stuff. And at one point she told me she was writing a kind of book about her life right now and she was also writing about me, but she wrote it in English because she can express herself better that way. And I was thinking about this dream I had and was like: wow. But you know, I'm a science student so I don't know what to make of it haha. Anyway, when I was going home we hugged and she didn't let me go and eventually we kissed.

And now I'm confused again. I'm so sorry for this gigantic story, but I just had to write it of my chest. I really don't know what to make of this. I don't know what to do. I just really really really like this girl. I try not to, because of everything, but I just can't change how I feel.

Please give me any thoughts on my story. Advice is also more than welcome!

Thank you!!!!

[Nicolelong]

It's straight up bad timing. She feels like she needs to go on her trip and figure things out, and a serious relationship would prevent her from pulling this off. She recognizes that this is not the right time, and is letting you down easy.

It sounds like she is still struggling with her depression and personal growth, and that's something you can't rush.

You never know what the situation will bring over the next few months

[Just-someone]

Thank you Nicole, for your response.

I think you're right. I've been thinking the same thing and it helps to hear from someone else. It does sound like she's still struggling and I can completely understand how this affects us. After our conversation on Monday, I do feel a lot more at peace, because now I know for sure it has got nothing to do with me. I also said to her I understand her better now, although I don't know exactly what's going on in her mind. But I don't stress out anymore when she isn't talking or responding in 2 words. I'm giving her space now and she knows she can talk to me whenever she wants to. And she does. There are no hard feelings. I also believe this trip is really something she needs to do and I truly hope she will come back feeling much better about her life and herself. She's a good person who deserves the best.

I just feel sad that this indeed seems to be the worst timing ever. I feel sad because I feel like the feelings are mutual, but her mental state and her trip are huge obstacles making it impossible for us to move further. And that hurts, because when we're together it feels right, although you know the circumstances are anything but right. It's confusing for me though that she let me go, but still kissed me at the end. Now I'm not sure how to act and what to do when I see her next time.

Thanks again for your response!