Boyfriend continues to save pictures of other women

[FryFry]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. In the beginning we had each others passcodes to our phones. He was showing me some funny pictures, and when he walked out into the other room I decided I wanted those pics as well. Not thinking it was a big deal, I went into the photo album to send them to my phone and at the end were 2 selfies of girls from Facebook. I confronted him the next day, and I flat out told him I was NOT okay with it. That it made me feel not good enough for him. He apologized, and he even told me he was worried I'd see them. He said he'd stop. However, I continued to see pictures of random girls selfies on his phone.

Last month, I glanced over while he was on his phone and I saw a selfie of a girl. I said to him "are you still saving pics of random girls on your phone?" He paused for a moment and said no. He flat out lied to me. He did the one thing he hates the most about someone, which is lying. I just ignored it, and went on with my day. Pissed off and upset, though. Yesterday morning, we were in bed, and I closed my eyes for a moment. When I opened them, I saw a picture of one of our mutual friends on his phone. (he was going through his pictures) I quickly confronted him and asked "You saved a picture of skylar on your phone?!" He said "yeah....but it's a meme she made of herself" It was not a meme. It was a selfie she posted on her Facebook a few days ago. Does he just not care about my feelings? He knows I'm NOT okay with this. I don't have pics of other men on my phone, because I know it would bother him just as much. I understand it perfectly normal to find others attractive. I find other men attractive but that doesn't mean I have a feeling that I NEED to save their photos. I love him. He says he loves me. But this is starting to really bother me. I feel like I'm just not attractive enough for him. It hurts, a lot.

[TheEvilJester]

I'm not sure if I get why he feels the need to do that anyway. Are they provocative pictures, or just any normal old pictures?

On the surface, I wouldn't initially think this is that huge of a big deal..... However where it becomes a big deal is now that he knows it bothers you and A) continues to do it B) blatantly lies to you about still doing it and C) specifically told you he'd stop, but then proceeded to continue anyway.

Frankly, I would say all you can do is have a talk with him about it. As best you can, try not to turn it into a fight. Just start off with an honest and open discussion. Tell him something to the effect of "Look, I understand you may not get it. That to you maybe it is completely innocent. But you have to understand how that makes me feel....." Obviously put it in your own words and fill in your own details.

I don't quite understand how he could NOT see how this would upset you, but I'll play Devil's Advocate and imagine for a second that maybe it is innocent in his mind and he truthfully doesn't get why it upsets you. If that is the case, maybe explaining to him why it bothers you will help him understand.

In the end, you've asked him to stop and he did not. If you then have an honest talk about it and he STILL does not stop, were I you, I'd seriously re-consider wanting anything to do with him. Yes, on the surface this seems like a pretty minor offense, BUT if he can't even care enough about your feelings to honor such a simple and understandable request, how exactly can you expect him to treat you with the respect you deserve in other aspects? Good luck to you either way.

[Wakeup]

You are seven months in with this guy. You've now discovered that he has a habit of doing things that YOU will not tolerate. He's not changed after you telling him that so now is your turn to leave, find someone who does not have a habit of saving pictures of random women to view and get on with your life with someone that you don't have to change instead of staying with someone who you need to mold into who you can co-exist with.

Dating is to find out if who you have lusted after and been infatuated with is actually someone you can spend a lifetime with. Clearly you two are not a good match. You are insecure about pictures of random girls and he doesn't care that you are. That should be your deal breaker.

[justwondering0]

I think most of our problem is knowing when to walk away after investing a bit of time in your case 7 months with person . I won't put myself into grief over something like this. I just will be like okay, you are not meant for me. I know that it is hard to do this sometimes but ask yourself, are you really going to put up with this longterm? if not, then walk away now and don't look back.

[TheEvilJester]

I think Wakeup and Justwondering both make good points. I understand how so many people get stuck in unhappy relationships thinking they can fix things when really they should just end it. True, all relationships hit tough times now and then, and often times it is worth it to work on it and fix it. The problem is, it can sometimes be hard to tell when something is minor and/or something that can be fixed/improved and when something is a big enough problem to be a deal breaker.

In this case, the initial action hits me as not necessarily being a deal breaker, though it does strike me as weird. ....HOWEVER.... What DOES make this a deal breaker is his blatant lack of concern for your feelings. He knows it bothers you and yet refuses to stop. Not only that, but he promised to stop and lied about that and then blatantly lies right to your face about still doing it.

I can't say that I can imagine any innocent reason to feel the need to save pictures of random women he doesn't even know (or even if they are women he does know), but if somehow his reasons ARE innocent, then he should have just explained that to you. If he had no intention of stopping, he should have been honest about that from the start and talked to you about it so you could decide if his reasoning satisfies you, or if it still bothers you. Again, beyond some not safe for work implications, I can't think of any reason he'd save pictures of random women, so I don't see how it could be a purely innocent practice. Perhaps, though, that is just because I don't know his reasons. Problem is, neither do you because he chose to lie to you instead of just being honest.

So, he took what, on the surface, could have been a simple issue and turned it into a big issue. As justwondering mentions, I get how people can find it hard to break up because it almost feels like they have wasted all that time invested in the relationship.

Think of it like this, though.... The longer you stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy, the more time you waste. If this relationship is not the right one, isn't it so much better to have wasted 7 months than to wind up wasting a year, two years, or even more and find out then that it just will not work out? Heck, take me as an example. I was in a mistake of a relationship for nearly a decade. Nearly 10 years of my life wasted on the wrong person. Now, in my defense, she very much hid her true nature for YEARS and didn't really reveal it all until she started to little by little later in the relationship. Everything I'd known and loved about her turned out to be a lie.

But, I'd say I wasted maybe a year or two where I was very unhappy. Part of the reason I did was because I had invested so much time in the relationship that it seemed wrong to just give up... So I didn't give up. I kept trying. Sure, that was perhaps the right thing to do at first (you shouldn't toss aside a relationship so easily), but I definitely tried to be strong for way too long when I should have realized I owed it to myself to get out of the situation.

I just offer that as an extreme example. If this guy isn't right for you, don't waste another day. Good luck to you.

[smarta$$]

Are these pictures with him in them? Or just other women?

If they are pics of him with old girlfriends, I kind of think it isn't a big deal to save them. They are a part of his history. If they are just random pics of girls, I agree it's weird.

[TheEvilJester]

I believe she said they were selfies the women had posted on Facebook. So, from that I get the impression that they are either random women he finds on Facebook, or possibly even some of them women he knows in real life, but he finds them on Facebook. Either way, if I am understanding correctly, he is saving their pictures they took of themselves. They are not pictures he is in, they are just pictures the women happened to take and post on their Facebook. I could be wrong, but that was my understanding.