Friend Zoned, Dumped & Depressed...MISTAKE

[STR1985]

In a really bad and confusing situation guys, need your advice..

Now here is my situation: ( sorry I couldn't able to concise as I thought you need to know it all - HELP...)

Year ago a new girl joined our office & came to work under my supervision. After a month passed by doing work we both started developing feelings for each other. It all started with a blank text message one night i send her late night. Since then we started texting each other & talking on phone for hours.

We dated three or four times during the first three months, during which the only physical contact I made was to hold her hand while driving and sitting in car. I know I was weak n didn't make the move as I was in a state of fair ( fair of loosing her), as she was the first ever girl I was dating. (shameless for me to say that I am 30 years old). We talked cracked jokes at each other and eat dinner and then dropped her back to her door. (no good bye kiss or hug nothing).

In later days I over texted her, over compliment her, agreed to every point she made, more over, I made this my habit of giving her lift to office & from office to her home...most of the times I insisted her to let me pick n drop her..

In February this year she came into contact with another guy in our office through a female colleague and with the passage of time became cold and distant from me. Not putting efforts in our conversation (mostly 80%efforts from my side) and seems interested in this new group, specially that guy. But she kept me on the hook as well but just as a friend and contacts me only when she needs any favor from me.

There came a time I got so fed up with this situation, that i said to her that you have an affair with that other dude. which she denied and stop talking to me for a week. Afterwards she contacted me by herself and we talked for an hour and became friends again (my weakness again). But seeing her more interested to that guy I started to feel jealous and depressed. My work, my gym & relationship with other friends started to suffer. Getting worse every day. Colleagues started noticing and giving me advises. I stalked her on social media till today. But time to time (after approx two weeks interval) she use told me that she trust me more than anyone else including this new dude and this group.

I was avoiding her for a week or more. Now as she has been assigned with a new role and she is in work pressure. I knew she will call me. So, Today she called me I was with a friend, by mistake the call got picked and she heard me talking "bad about her and the other guy, that she is getting in contact with me because she needs me,guessing the other reason why she was calling and so on...". She overheard me for about 1.30 minutes...

Later, I texted her that why she was calling so she replied, "I always consider you as my good friend. But leave now. Call was received"

I like her very much & still want her but i am confused that did she had feelings for me as i have or did she used me for her advantage and is she contacting me because this other dude is leaving the job (she is still in contact with her) and it looks she has emotional attachment with her.

Please guys advice me how to recover from this "G.F OVERHEARD ME" situation and to get out of friend zone and to make her attracted towards me both emotionally and physically.
or whether i should not trust her and move on with my life????

[basilandthyme]

STR1985, my guess is that she was interested enough in you to have a few dates but found that it wasn't going to work for her. If the relationship was going to happen, she wouldn't have gotten interested in the other new guy. There is no way to make her attracted to you physically and emotionally. If someone discovered the secret to this, they would become rich beyond imagining!

For future dating advice, I want to comment on this >>In later days I over texted her, over compliment her, agreed to every point she made<<. Very, very bad approach. You need to treat your date as a regular human being. If you don't agree with an idea she has, it's good to respectfully offer a different opinion. This is how conversation is formed. Over texting, over complimenting - ugh. When dating, be your normal self. Start out as you intend to continue. DO NOT make it appear as though you've got her on some type of pedestal to be worshipped. The way you did this date makes it sound like you were trying too hard. A bit desperate. It will turn a girl off without fail.

Next time you ask a girl out, be more casual. Don't try so hard. One compliment is enough. Offer alternative opinions if you have a different idea to her. Most of all, just be yourself.

[TheEvilJester]

I definitely understand how you feel. I was younger than you, but still older than most (early 20's) before I ever had even so much as my first date. I get how difficult it can be to know what is and is not appropriate when you haven't had experience. On the one hand, you don't want to go too far and make her uncomfortable, yet on the other hand you don't want to be too held back and reserved and never progress anywhere.

Hindsight is always 20/20, but unfortunately I think in this case you maybe didn't make your move when you should have. You dated several times over three months, so by then you probably should have started to initiate physical contact a little bit. Even if just starting with a kiss on the cheek after the second or third date, or whatever is considered socially acceptable these days. Frankly, I can't say that I know either.

So, it could be very possible that she WAS interested in you, but lost interest because she thought you were not. All the same, it could be just as likely that maybe (as basil suggested) she gave you a shot in a few dates but just didn't feel there was a connection.

Again, this advice unfortunately comes too late for this time, but bad-mouthing her and that other guy behind her back was definitely not a good idea in the slightest. Even if there was no way she would have heard you, that still is not a good start to any relationship, be she a friend or more. Furthermore, unless I am missing anything, it doesn't necessarily sound like she or he did anything wrong. Don't get me wrong. I understand how you feel and that you are upset. It can be hard not to take offense to her losing interest in you, and to then resent the other guy who does seem to peak her interest. I think we can all understand how you feel. All the same, for your own sake, as well as hers, you need to realize that if you two are not/were not exclusive, then she did nothing wrong by finding interest in somebody else.

Are her and this other guy dating? If not, then there is no reason you couldn't ask her out again and try to get things back on track. Heck, if you thought it would do some good, maybe even sincerely confess to her something along the lines of "I'm sorry. I really have been enjoying going out with you, I'm just honestly a little new to it all. If it seems I am taking things slow it isn't because I don't like you, it is just that I don't want to make you uncomfortable by seeming to move too fast."

Though, at this point I think, unfortunately, your chances might not be too good. She's overheard you saying things you hadn't intended her to hear. She will likely feel her trust has been betrayed and could have a hard time forgiving that. It may just be best for you to move on, but if you insist on giving it one last shot, you could perhaps consider apologizing to her about that. Again, she's really done nothing wrong unless she has been blatantly stringing you along, or you and her were exclusively boyfriend and girlfriend yet she pursued this guy anyway. So, though I think we can all definitely understand how you feel, you didn't necessarily have any reason to be so upset with her. Maybe if you do sincerely feel bad for being upset with her (and not just feel bad only because you got caught) she may be able to appreciate your honesty and give you another chance.

Either way, don't waste too much time on any person who does not return your interest. If, unfortunately, she is just not into you for whatever reason, then move on and find somebody else. Learn from your mistakes this time around and you will be even better equipped next time. Good luck to you.

[tampitump]

Dude, your grammar, spelling, and writing sensibility altogether is ****ed up! Sorry for insulting you, just had to point that out.

As for your story, though. You had me at the point where you said "you both started developing feelings for each other." At least girls notice you and develop feelings for you. I can't even get women to acknowledge my very existence, much less like me. That's good. I'd go home counting that as a win.

[TheEvilJester]

I would like to add that tampitump makes a good point. Don't lose sight of the fact that you actually did finally make some progress. That's not nothing. You mention you never really had so much as a date before. Now that is no longer the case. Not only have you gone on a date with a woman, but you even went on several dates with her. Now, maybe in the end it didn't work out, but at least that means you have made progress. Even if you still have a lot to learn, at least that means you actually are learning. Be proud of yourself. You deserve that.

The only way you are going to learn how to better be in a relationship is by trying again. I know it is easier said than done, but it does get easier the more you try. As others have said, one lesson I think that would definitely be important for you to take from this is not to put anybody on a pedestal, so to speak. Or, at the very least, don't act like you do directly to them.

I can certainly understand if you have not had much luck in the dating world, it can be hard not to get too attached too fast when you actually do start dating a girl. You may not really be able to stop yourself from doing that, but you can at least know that about yourself and deal with it more constructively. In other words, now that you know you do that, it is okay to kind of go a little nuts to your own self, but when actually dealing with the girl, remind yourself that she too is just another human being.

You mention that you think you were too eager to agree with her, overly-complimentary, etc. Don't get me wrong. It is definitely good to be nice, agreeable, and to offer sincere compliments to a woman you are dating. That, in and of itself, sure as HELL shouldn't be considered a bad thing. The problem is in if you overdo it. It can have more negative effects than positive. For example, two of the possible issues you could cause by doing this are A) You overdo it so much she thinks you are insincere or B) You overdo it so much she thinks you are too obsessed with her, or some kind of clingy loser or something like that.

Neither of those is exactly a flattering image to portray to a potential love interest. So, a good lesson to learn here is to dial it back a bit. Again, I'm not saying you don't compliment her, nor am I saying you don't agree with her.... when you ACTUALLY do agree with her. I'm just saying, don't overdo it in complimenting her, and don't agree with things she says unless you actually DO agree. Then you just come across like a yes man.

Again, don't lose sight of the fact that you made progress and you deserve to be proud of yourself for that. At the same time, don't lose the lesson from your mistakes. If we do not learn from our mistakes, we are doomed to repeat them. Good luck to you! I hope very soon you find the gal for you, whether that winds up being her or somebody else.

[Marylan]

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